what’s the best age gap?
Printed From: OHbaby!
Category: Have A Baby?
Forum Name: First baby? Second or more?
Forum Description: Want help? Need support? Want tips? Men and women share advice and tips in this supportive community
URL: https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=30895
Printed Date: 29 August 2025 at 7:16pm
Software Version: Web Wiz Forums 11.10 - http://www.webwizforums.com
Topic: what’s the best age gap?
Posted By: Bexee
Subject: what’s the best age gap?
Date Posted: 11 January 2010 at 8:36am
|
Following on from the "how do you decide you want another" debate... I'm keen to hear from people on age gaps.
We both definitely want another one (maybe more). DS is 5 months and DH would love us to start trying now. In some ways I think I should wait until I've been back at work a year, to get the perks, which means about a 2 year age gap. I know you can't plan these things. If we decide to try now thinking it may take a while I bet it happens the first time (it happened quick with DS) but then I'm sure if we wait and rely on that then it could take ages. So what are your kids age gaps and what are the pros and cons? |
Replies:
Posted By: emz
Date Posted: 11 January 2010 at 9:43am
|
We have 19 months, we wanted less but went through fertility treatment. My ideal was about 14-16 months, simply because of needing to return to work.
19 months is great, although was really hard work while I was pregnant and in the first few weeks with toddler tantrums. Now Jack loves his sister and its like she was always here. I think they'll be great together when they're older. Otherwise, I think I would have waited and had a 2-3 year age gap and gone back to work. I just didn't want to have to go through the newborn/baby thing again with such a long gap. |
Posted By: Daizy
Date Posted: 11 January 2010 at 9:57am
|
I love my 2 and 1/2 year gap! Keira was just that wee bit older so had more of an understanding of what was going on, she was able to help with little things and was far more independent.
Her and Maddi still get on really well and are quite close. I don't feel like I was out of the baby loop for too long and by the time Keira had finished with most baby things Maddi was ready to use them. I also loved the fact the for the first 6 months I didnt have to be anywhere - no kindy etc. By the time Maddi got a bit older and was needing more attention I was able to drop Keira at kindy for a few hours a day. It was a wee bit hard at first getting Keira used to the new baby, she had been number 1 for quite a while so didn't like her sister very much at first. I think all age gaps have their pro's and cons, you learn to loe what ever gap you have. ------------- 
 
|
Posted By: lisa85
Date Posted: 11 January 2010 at 10:00am
|
My girls are 20months at the mo and we are trying for another. For me personally I didn't want to start any sooner because the girls are full on toddlers but I don't want a big age gap. I like the idea of the girls being 3 or 4 when and if the new addition arrives. That way they will hopefully be toilet trained and talking more also they will a perfect age to want to help but to understand when to back away lol. Plus once they are four they will be in Kindy which gives me more free time to devote to a newborn. -------------  
TTC #3 since Jan 2010 - PCOS MC April 2010 |
Posted By: monikah
Date Posted: 11 January 2010 at 10:10am
|
we planned 12 months between us and luckily its what we got. it will be really hard but the deciding factor for us was my 8 years left at uni. if i had a big age gap i could spend lots of time at home part time while doing uni part time but by the time #2 came along i would have to be back full time which wasnt as fair on #2. with having them really close together i can stay part time till they both go to school and get to spend all summer off and alot of time during the year so we can do heaps. 5 years part time at home with my kids was preferable to me than 1 or 2 years full time then not as much. it depends on your personal situation i guess. this works for me, but probably wouldnt work for most ppl. sorry that was a bit long winded but that was the deciding factor for us anyway.
a couple of other things were wanting the kids to be at the same stages of life ie toys, movies they like, developemental stages etc... i was also scared off too big an age gap cos my sisters age gap (5 years) the two kids are sooo different now and want to do completely different things and seem incapable fo sharing and argue all the time. i realsie it is down to things other than strait age differences but it terrified me all the same. lol ------------- 
|
Posted By: caitlynsmygirl
Date Posted: 11 January 2010 at 10:24am
|
Well I have a 7 year gap and while its not always ideal , and certainly not what I imagined growing up , it definetly has its benefits, she is very helpful with her brother , and is at school during the day so I can spend all my time with him without worrying about her feeling jealous, which she doesn't get anyway being that shes at an age where she knows I have to give Ty a lot of attention.
However , our next one , we are going to start trying in December next year, and will hopefully get pregnant relatively quickly so the baby is due august, september , october even , just as long as its not due on my birthday (december 30) because I turn 30 the year after next and dammit ! I want to drink at my 30th !!! 
(so in other words, Ty will be 2 and a bit depending on how long it takes us ) ------------- 
|
Posted By: Twinboys2b
Date Posted: 11 January 2010 at 11:20am
|
I'd only start when you're ready to be pregnant 'straight away' iykwim i.e. I wouldn't think "it'll take 8months to fall preg so we should start now" as you never know what happens.
Our ideal gap would be 2 1/2yrs (if we had a singleton) but with 2 toddlers we've decided a 3 year gap would be better so the boys understand more. ------------- 3yr old gorgeous ID twin boys. |
Posted By: ElfsMum
Date Posted: 11 January 2010 at 11:26am
|
i got pregnant when E was 10 months(so would have been 19 months) and to be honest that freaked me out.. although we were terribly sad to lose our baby the two year age gap we are getting this time is better for us..Ethan was still so full on in august I don't know how we would have coped..!
I think it has a lot to do with the temperament of your first child and like EMZ said the first few months are hard (well i am assuming they will be! ) but after that it gets easier.. I've found pregnancy wayyyy more tiring etc this time even though I'm not working !! ------------- Mum to two amazing boys! |
Posted By: Mum2ET
Date Posted: 11 January 2010 at 12:34pm
|
Once this baby is born we will have a 2 years 9 months gap- we had always planned on a 3rd gap so am pretty pleased with how it turned out. Obviously can't say what it is like when the baby is born, but for me I am glad I waited a bit as I am finding it really hard being pregnant and looking after a toddler. i found the first 3 months the worst as I was so tired and had bad MS (still do), but at least Ella was older enough to entertain herself and do a bit more for herself while I lay on the couch throwing up. Also she seems to understand quite a bit more(knows that the baby is in my tummy and still has more growing etc to do until it comes out), and it now quite happy to spend the day & night at my parents place. ------------- Mum to Ella (5) and Tom (2) |
Posted By: Shezamumof3
Date Posted: 11 January 2010 at 12:42pm
Ours is 14 months and its been hard, we had planned a 2 year age gap, but mother nature had other plans for us  ------------- |
Posted By: monikah
Date Posted: 11 January 2010 at 1:04pm
|
i agree with the ms thing with a really little baby, and the getting tired to start with. and i realised that even if mack is walking when the next one is born he wont be walking far so i have to carry 2 babies up the hill to uni and cant take a buggy cos of the steps which is one really big disadvantage. first child walking is a really good idea. lol -------------
|
Posted By: SMoody
Date Posted: 11 January 2010 at 2:40pm
|
There is about 3 and a half years between my two kids and to be quite honest it is perfect. It is exactly what we wanted. She was old enough when I was pregnant to realise when I couldnt pick her up anymore. (late second trimester for me).
I could explain to her why I was puking so much (did that throughout my pregnancy) and I enjoyed seeing how she reacted to the scans, visits and talking to her brother. She loved every moment and would trace my stretchmarks and saying they are getting bigger which must mean her brother is growing nice and big to come out. (I swear I will never look at my stretchmarks as bad again with that memory). she even would bring a pillow to me in the lounge and tell me I look tired and do I want to have a nap. When Andrew came she was brilliant and still is. Our only biggest problem is telling her not to pick him up and walk with him. She does pick him up on the bed ect and wants to walk with him like we do. But understands why she cant but we have to be careful and the same with food. Now that he is eating and feeding himself she keeps on wanting to share her food. (not that her brother has a problem with this at all. ) ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
http://lilypie.com"> 
|
Posted By: _Deb_
Date Posted: 11 January 2010 at 3:02pm
|
Well we have a 2 year gap and i have to say it's not the greatest! lol. My boy isn't very good with his sister at all. He's mean to her and won't listen. As soon as i put her in her bouncer he starts harassing her. We have to watch him like a hawk. He gets jealous of her too. She's a very unsettled reflux baby so i end up holding her most of the time which makes my son worse. I think a 3 year gap would have been better. It just depends on the child though i think.
I'm just glad DP is off work at the moment. I agree that it's best to only start trying when you're actually ready to be pregnant. Just in case it happens fast.  ------------- 
|
Posted By: Snappy
Date Posted: 11 January 2010 at 3:35pm
|
We have a 5 year gap and it was good being able to drop Janaya off at school and be able to spend the day with Jackson.
The only thing I struggle with now is trying to find things that the two of them can enjoy together. Every morning there are fights between Disney Channel and Playhouse disney. He adores Janaya and wants to follow her everywhere and she gets frustrated. Her Polly Pockets are too small for him to play with lol. I think next time we will do no more than a 3.5 year gap. |
Posted By: peanut butter
Date Posted: 11 January 2010 at 3:50pm
|
We have a 17 month gap and its good. They really are best of friends but like debandkaelen said Tom can be downright mean to James and I do need to watch him like a hawk. Today he tried to bite his mouth!! he knows damn well that biting is not nice but it doesnt stop him.
I'd say I would want close together or a long way apart |
Posted By: AandCsmum
Date Posted: 11 January 2010 at 4:27pm
|
I love my 5 year age gap...they're both off playing in one of the bedrooms up to god knows what!
I'm a SAHM so I guess that is why I enjoy it more? Best of both worlds, 2 kids but one on one time with the newbie. ------------- Kel http://lilypie.com"> 
A = 01.02.04 & C = 16.01.09 & G = 30.03.12 |
Posted By: rachndean
Date Posted: 11 January 2010 at 5:06pm
|
We have a 5 year age gap which is fantastic, they get along so well and entertain each other. We will have 16 months between DS and the next one - i will keep you posted as to how that works out!!! ------------- http://lilypie.com">  
DD Savannah 18.01.04 DS Austin 04.09.08 |
Posted By: Nikki
Date Posted: 11 January 2010 at 8:35pm
|
I think there are pros and cons to each, and it partly depends on the child/baby. We have 2 years 5 days - we wanted at least 2 years so Jake would be getting or close to getting the 20 free hours by the time I went back to work - which saves us about $100/wk in daycare costs - and it happened first month! We didn't really want a big gap due to my age, but I worked in between and BF'd til 10.5 months so didn't want to try any earlier than we did. I thought 2yrs was not going to be a good age gap at the time even though people kept saying its perfect. I thought if theres 18months or less then at least the older one forgets the baby was never there quickly and they will be close, but it would be very hard for a the first wee while when you almost have two babies. And over 3 years then the older one will be out of nappies, helpful and understand whats happening -- but then again they are more used to being the only child so could get more jealous and the kids will be at very different stages.
So anyway - 2 years has worked out great for us!! Jake has been very good with Morgan, absolutely adores her - we've had no jealousy issues and he brings her toys etc, in fact I thought he would struggle with me spending so much time feeding her at first, but he actually got more independant as he just seemed to know he had to play by himself. It helps that Morgan has been a very chilled bubba too. I think it would have been harder when he was a bit younger, as I found those early toddler months (around 14-18mths) hard cos he couldn't express himself as well .... but he was an early talker so could have full conversations by the time Morgan arrived and understood everything we said. I'm hoping the gap is close enough that they will still be close as they get older .... they certainly are now anyway - she lights up when she sees him and is always lunging at him - and he cuddles her all the time and says "I think baby likes me"  ------------- DS (5yrs) and DD (3yrs) |
Posted By: Tastic
Date Posted: 11 January 2010 at 11:43pm
|
there was supposed to be 18 months between the boys but since Aidan was early there is only 15 months
there will be about 3 years 3 months between aidan and this little lady |
Posted By: NovemberMum
Date Posted: 12 January 2010 at 12:16am
|
we wanted at least a 2 year age gap we got 2 years 6 days.
I find 2 years close enough. Megan adores her brother and when he cries she says "it's ok Lucas" as others have said it all depends on the child you really dont know how the older sibling will react until the baby arrives. I didn't want to have to look after 2 babies which would mean having 2 in nappies (Megan is just in night time nappies now). the one con for me is when I am feeding Lucas and Megan plays up I cant just get up off the chair and she does use this to her advantage ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
http://lilypie.com"> 
|
Posted By: CuriousG
Date Posted: 12 January 2010 at 9:50am
|
Ours is 3.5 years and in some ways its great but in others I kind of feel its a bit big. I would have liked Charlotte to have someone to play with now, rather than a blobby newborn but thems the breaks. Its good from the point of view that she can 'help' me with things (like getting nappies, bathing him etc).
We had initally planned a 5 year gap but I feel that would have been waaaay too long personally. Others, however, rave about it! ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
http://lilypie.com"> 
|
Posted By: angel4
Date Posted: 12 January 2010 at 11:13am
|
Our gap wasnt planned at all but i am quite happy with it. We have 16months between the two of them. It was hard during my pregnancy though as i had hyperemesis. thankfully my family and friends were a great help, especially my mum who would often take henry for the day. Henry just loves his little sister. Obviously they cant be left alone in the same room (Ever) as henry has no understanding of his strength. But he gives her cuddles and kisses and it is just too sweet. There is no jealousy at all (so far) and he is happy to play or sit on my knee while i feed her.
It has only been 4wks now but i think it is going to work great - it already is. I can see them being great friends 
Henry only just starting walking on new years day which can make things a wee big difficult. But not all children wait until 16.5months to walk lol. I just carry them both. |
Posted By: LJsmum
Date Posted: 12 January 2010 at 12:30pm
|
we have 2yrs 8mths between, it's going well so far, no issues. Was hoping for 3 years but closer enough! i felt 2 yrs was just too close for the 1st child to understand. DS1 plays so well by himself and is understanding and caring towards baby.
It helped we talked about the baby heaps before hand, read books, looked at pictures of babies, explained he won't be able to play with him e/t/c Next baby will be hopefully whn DS2 is around 3 years old. -------------  
|
Posted By: katie1
Date Posted: 12 January 2010 at 12:37pm
|
I have two years pretty much exactly. That was about what we planned and overall I like it. I found it very manageable in the first six months - infact quite easy compared to what I was expecting. The two year old still had a decent day sleep and I could get them both down at the same time and get a couple of hours to myself. I loved that I didn't have to go to kindy or anywhere so could just be relaxed at home and let the baby have good day sleeps. I had lots of quality time with my two year old while the baby slept.
I find it harder now though - they are one and three. As soon as my wee one started moving and got into the toys etc there were more fights. I find it quite full on now when we have a day of all being at home. I seem to spend a lot of time sorting out issues!!!! In saying that my oldest now goes to kindy three mornings a week and that is a big help. I guess overall I would recommend the two year gap though. I think there are pro s and cons of each and you just make the most of whatever you have. |
Posted By: Brenna
Date Posted: 12 January 2010 at 7:59pm
|
I've got 2 yrs 10 mths between my 2 girls and it's been fantastic! AS everyone has said, there are pro's and con's but personally I wasn't ready for another one too soon after Brenna and she is at sucha great age to help and understand. I've never had any jealousy issues and I don't have to worry about leaving them together alone. Brenna dotes on Ellie. It's so nice to watch when she doesn't realise I'm I'm looking. She reads her stories and brings her toys etc -------------  My beautiful 2 girls...nearly 4 and 13 months
|
Posted By: Rachael21
Date Posted: 12 January 2010 at 9:16pm
| 17 months, as good as it is now I wouldn't do it again. I think 3 years would be the best. |
Posted By: Maya
Date Posted: 14 January 2010 at 8:38pm
|
We've got 3 years 8 mths between Maya and the gremlins, which altho not planned (we wanted them closer together but it took us over a year to fall pregnant and we lost a baby in between) was perfect - Maya was old enough to understand what was going on, she could be distracted with some crayons or a book if I was feeding/tending to the babies, and now that they are 3 and 6 they play together really well most of the time. We've never had any jealousy issues, they do fight sometimes now but that's a sibling thing and would happen regardless of the age gap.
3 minutes between Sienna and Mercedes - I wouldn't recommend it, if it can be avoided .
20 months between Chiara and the gremlins - it was horrific during my pregnancy as I had hyperemesis and some days was so ill I couldn't stand up (I ended up in hospital) and they weren't walking to start with so I was still carrying them everywhere and having to lift the buggy in and out of the car. We never had any jealousy issues once lil miss arrived, but the gremlins really had no idea what was going on - they kept going into her room to see if she was still there coz they didn't realise she was ours . It was exhausting tho as they are really bad sleepers and always have been and I could never seem to get the nap times to coincide. Plus going out was a mission - it was either the gremlins in the buggy and lil miss in the Moby wrap or lil miss in the snap and gos and the gremlins on their monkey backpack leashes.
Now it's awesome tho, it gets easier every day/week/month and they play together really well. They love "teaching" her things, and she is really feisty and stroppy and likes to join in their games which is cool. I think you have to look at it both long- and short-term - in the short term, a small age gap is bloody hard work, so you have to think about what strategies you can employ to make things easier over that period (support from family/friends, PPL etc.) But longer term, if you can get thru that first few months, it definitely has it's rewards. We'd definitely be looking at 3 years + if we were to have another, but this shop is definitely closed! ------------- Maya Grace (28/02/03)
 (02/01/06)
The Gremlins:Sienna Marie & Mercedes Kailah (14/10/06)
Lil miss:Chiara Louise Chloe (09/07/08)
Her ladyship:Rosalia Sophie Anais (18/06/12)
|
Posted By: Rowsieair
Date Posted: 16 January 2010 at 10:03pm
|
I'm like angelk4...we will have 16 months. Not planned, (we didn't really have a plan, just happen as it comes!) but exactly the same as my aunty had with my two cousins. Cousins in University now but aunty great source of support with her experience....she said hard work but worth it as close enough to eb friends and be into the same things at the same time etc. Luckily worked out as will have been back at work just over 12 months to be eligible for maternity leave again! ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
http://lilypie.com"> 
|
Posted By: Mama2two
Date Posted: 17 January 2010 at 11:18pm
|
We have exactly 2 and a half years between our two and it is pretty perfect
Samantha is old enough that she can do a lot for herself and is able to entertain herself for the periods of time that I am busy feeding Anthony etc. She also helps look after her 'bubba' by bringing me nappies, toys etc. It was hard during the pregnancy as she was still little and wanted to be picked up a lot, plus I worried about how much she would miss out on once No 2 arrived so overdid it a lot. Samantha is such a great big sister though. She loves her little brother to pieces and has really taken the less attention and other changes so well - she makes me so proud  ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
http://lilypie.com"> 
|
Posted By: AandCsmum
Date Posted: 18 January 2010 at 7:19am
Just wait a little bit...they will play together & it's really cute!! Plus they have the patience to push bubs around for ages on little bikes etc ------------- Kel http://lilypie.com">
A = 01.02.04 & C = 16.01.09 & G = 30.03.12 |
CuriousG wrote: