Dealing with a BFN
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Category: Planning Pregnancy (trying for baby)
Forum Name: Planning Pregnancy (trying for baby)
Forum Description: Trying to get pregnant? Going through fertility treatment? Just planning your first or second child? There are many people out there in the same boat to help and listen and share with
URL: https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=28081
Printed Date: 21 August 2025 at 12:46pm
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Topic: Dealing with a BFN
Posted By: BethG
Subject: Dealing with a BFN
Date Posted: 13 August 2009 at 11:24pm
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Hi all
Hope that some of you ladies read this and pass on any advice or thoughts about how to deal with the dreaded BFN. 
Today I got the phone call to advise that I am not pregnant and I really do not know how to deal with the hurt and dissapointment. There is only so much talking you can do with your friends as they really do not understand the emotional rollercoaster that we are all on. I am trying to look for the "bigger picture" - any reason why I did not get pregnant but so far have failed to come up with any. I look forward to hearing your advice. |
Replies:
Posted By: NovemberMum
Date Posted: 13 August 2009 at 11:34pm
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*hugs to you*
I dont know how long yo uhave been trying but from your post it sounds like it could be a while? are your cycles regular ie pretty much 28 days for eg also what is your weight like? I have heard if you are overweight or underweight it can affect feritlity. do you know (approx) when you ovulate I know when we were trying for this baby it wasnt until I noted when i was ovulating that I got pregnant. if you are over 35 if you have been trying for 6 months I think yon talk to your dr about fertility getting tests done etc or if under 35 it is about a year. not much more I can add but hope you get your BFP soon :) |
Posted By: Oxy
Date Posted: 14 August 2009 at 6:59am
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Hi BethG
Even if you are getting your timing right there is no guarantee you will get pregnant that month. Its just luck of the draw Its not easy to deal with when you get a BFN. But the way i look at it there isnt alot you can do about it I have looked at my tests a million times just to see if i see any second line at all but nothing and it is heart breaking but you learn to deal with it I dont know how but i guess it can make you more determed to get a bfp next time Hope this helps im not sure if it makes any sense ------------- http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/250ed1" rel="nofollow">  TTC#1 Jan 2009 |
Posted By: jazzy
Date Posted: 14 August 2009 at 7:13am
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Hi Beth BFN suck big time. There are a lot of us here who get them month after month & look forward to the next month where there maybe a BFP lurking.
I would suggest if you don't already, to chart, take your temp try OPK's as these may help pinpoint the days you need to BD to have a better chance of nailing that BFP. Come join us in the waiting, it is good form of support & there are a lot there who know heaps 
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Posted By: didi99
Date Posted: 14 August 2009 at 9:15am
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Hey Beth, unfortunately I don't know of anything that can stop the bitter dissapointment of a BPN.
I always find some comfort in the fact that there are heaps of ladies on here going through the same heartache. I think it's just nice to know that you are completely normal and not alone. -------------  Angel Babies Nov 09, May 10, Dec 10
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Posted By: IVFGirl1111
Date Posted: 14 August 2009 at 10:01am
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I so know how you feel!
When we were TTC (which we are again now after taking a break for a while) The day I got AF I made a promise to myself that IF she came the next month I would buy something I REALLY wanted. So the day it came I would think for a couple of days about something that I really wanted ie a massage and facial, and then the next month when it came there wasnt the HUGE dissapointment that there had been because I booked in the massage and facial and was looking forward to that. So think of something that you REALLY want and use that as your focus IF AF comes next month - which hopefully it wont! ------------- TTC 6 years IVF it is IVF/ICSI round one 10 eggs, 8 mature, 3 fertilised BFN IVF/ICSI #2 = 22 eggs! 20 mature, 15 fertilised, 1 fresh transfer and 2 frosties BFN 2 Frosties still in freezer thank god |
Posted By: Caro07
Date Posted: 14 August 2009 at 11:57am
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Hi Beth
It is really hard to deal with BFN's in my experience. I definitely second the idea of treating yourself to something - for me it is often only a nice dessert or a bottle of wine with tea  I try to start focusing on the next cycle and anything I might do differently that time.
Big hugs for your BFN though ------------- Caroline, SAHM to 2 boys, S (4 years old) and J (2 years old) 
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Posted By: caliandjack
Date Posted: 14 August 2009 at 12:46pm
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So far my BFNs have been expected, and AF has eventually turned up.
Its very easy to confuse PMS symptoms with early preggy ones. I know it can take time to conceive and I am carrying a bit of extra weight which I could do with losing. Its not until I started talking about TTC with my friends that I got stories of it taking 9 months for one and 11 months for another to conceive which puts things into perspective. I'm 36 so for me the end of the year is the deadline for BFP if not I'll have to go see my GP who will probably recommend I lose some weight to start with and get fit. I try not to get dissappointed and think there is always next month. ------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow">   [/url] Angel June 2012 |
Posted By: Faffer
Date Posted: 14 August 2009 at 2:50pm
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Its early days for us yet, but DH seems to know exactly what to do - he gives me a big hug, then that night he pours a glass of my favourite wine and sits down with me to plan next month's strategy for a BFP.
Big hugs for your BFN. -------------  
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Posted By: snugglebug
Date Posted: 14 August 2009 at 6:22pm
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I was just about to post a message asking this very same question so I'm glad you did.
I am exactly the same, this month was the first month we had been trying properly, officially we have been for 2 months but this was the first month where I actually timed it right when I thought ovulation should be, and it was actually pretty stressful because I made sure we did the BD every day for about 8 days- rather unromantic. I had all these symptoms- tired, sore boobs for 2 weeks (I never get that), and just had a feeling I was pregnant. So I tested on the day that I thought my cycle should be due, but it was negative. Was so gutted I went out and bought a discovery test same day, negative too. But I still held on to hope because I had the symptoms still and AF hadn't arrived. I held on to that hope all this week until AF came in the middle of the night, a very rude awakening. When I got that negative I curled up on the couch and cried because I was soooo sure that I was pregnant, I thought by doing the test I was just confirming it, which seems so silly now. I had everything planned out and was writing down names even. Was so gutted because it was really quite stressful making sure everything was timed right and the idea of doing it all over again and going through the heartbreak if it doesn't happen seems positively overwhelming. I guess we just have to find a way to keep hoping and praying that it will happen, because we want it so much. It's sooo hard. I had myself convinced I was pregnant the first time we ever did the BD unprotected, and that was just one time in the whole month, seems so silly now. Hugs to you, it's really awful I know. I have this silly idea that because I can't physically imgaine myself being pregnant, and that getting that positive seems too good to be true, I have myself convinced it's not possible. I haven't got a good reason at all but for some reason I can't stop thinking that. Who knew it would be so hard! |
Posted By: Shezzey
Date Posted: 14 August 2009 at 7:30pm
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Hi BethG and Lisaas101, It is very heartbreaking to get a BFN and never easy to accept when you are actively TTC. I found a lot of consolation by joining the girls in the "Waiting for Ovulation" and "Two Week Wait Threads" as we are all on the same mission and can relate to each others emotions, and help make it easier to handle if/when you get a disappointing result at the end of the month and great cheering when it is a positive result. For me, the BFN's have made me more determined in my efforts and so charting and googling everything about TTC has given me a better understanding and a more "proactive" part in it. Lots of babydust your ways |
Posted By: Hopes
Date Posted: 15 August 2009 at 7:17am
I know it's probably not what you want to hear, but it does help me - I try to stop and think objectively, and realise that BFNs are something that comes with TTC. Let's face it, the odds are stacked against getting a BFP the first time round - so most of us are going to get a negative test or two (or three or five, I know  ). It sucks, you cry a bit, you feel miserable for a few days, then you move on to the next month. The ladies here are brilliant at letting you vent your dissapointment and frustration (I don't know how I'd cope without you guys).
From what I remember, you've been trying a while, and I know that makes it harder. BFNs in the first four or five months are really dissapointing (and I think can sometimes feel more gutting, because you've got your hopes up and you're still kind of new to the TTC game). But when you've been trying a bit longer, you've got the added worry of 'will I ever have a baby?'. I've got PCOS, and I know lots of ladies with PCOS concieve. But I know that some have an awful amount of trouble, too, and there's always that fear that it's going to be really, really hard for you. Hugs - hang in there - it will feel better soon. These dreadful down patches are normal and expected, but they won't last forever, us ladies are stronger than we think, and can cope with a lot more than I ever thought possible (even if it doeesn't feel like you're coping from time to time!) -------------   
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Posted By: Lips34
Date Posted: 15 August 2009 at 10:27pm
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Hi ladies, well, i've just come from the 'the mighty 2WW' forum to here.
DH & I got the BFN on thursday, (after getting AF at 3.50am that morning) it is a really difficult time for anyone to have to hears those words, i took that day off work, and just spent the whole day in bed crying, i was so sure we had a BFP...
we've been TTC for nearly 6 years (pretty much from the day we met & married) which was within 6 weeks, so this whole TTC has been really difficult for us, especially since there is no reason (unexplained fertility) But ever since i've been chatting with most of you, it's made getting bad news that little bit easier...trust me, we will get our BFP's, and hopefully soon, all i can say, is positive thinking, 
One thing i think i will change next time round, is i'll take the whole 2 weeks off work and doing absolutely NOTHING
Sorry for the ramble, i always get carried away
FX'd we see our names under the BFP list soon
 's to all
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Posted By: BethG
Date Posted: 20 August 2009 at 11:58pm
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Hi all
Apologies for being away from posting for so long. After my original post I tucked all emotions away and just got on with it. My rational head tells me to suck it up and get on the treadmill and move away from the chocolate as this will help to increase my chances of a BFP! I am 32 years old and my partner and I have been TTC for 10 years now. I have PCOS and use to carry way to much weight which I have managed to get down to 80kg. As with PCOS periods are very irregular and in my case I only had 3 in one year so this makes charting and predicting ovulation very difficult. We have tried Metformin trials, clomiphine and the latest round has been IVF (which was the reason for my post). I am back on the wagon this month and waiting for ovulation so we can have another go at implantation so fingers crossed. I have found reading everyone's posts to be extremely helpful and although I get teary eyed when reading them it really does lift my spirits knowing that I am not alone. In these forums we can really express how we are feeling and what we are thinking as we know that what we say will be understood by all who read it. Not so true in real life when I can't talk to my friends as they just do not get it. So thanks to everyone and I will keep smiling.......... for now 
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Posted By: Buttersmum
Date Posted: 21 August 2009 at 9:31am
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Hi BethG
I'm 34 and apparently have PCO...........sometimes I really wonder cause everyone seems to have it so who does and who doesn't.............and I too am overweight (bugger). My mate is an OBGYN and she basically said her best advice for PCO sufferers is to lose weight (easier said than done!). Apparently research shows that even a 5kg weight loss can change the hormones completely. I have a feeling thats what happened when I got preggers cause I had lost a little bit of weight for my up coming wedding. I did miscarry though but thats another story but after the wedding my man and I are going to actively try so like you I am going to have to shift some of the kilo's...................I hate exercise lol................so soon hopefully you and I will be on here celebrating our BFP's.
Hope everything goes well for you lots of positive baby wishes to you ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
my little blobby April 09 "gone but will never be forgotten xx"
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Posted By: gypsynita
Date Posted: 21 August 2009 at 1:59pm
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Hiya - just thought i'd add my *hugs* to everyone elses! We've only been trying 3 months so I can't even begin to imagine how hard it must be for those of you adding up the years... my heart goes out to you that's for sure. Every month so far I've managed to convince myself I'm pregnant - damn the symptons being so similar to ov! - and even though I try and prepare myself for a BFN it's always crushing when that lovely line doesn't appear.
It sounds like you're doing everything you should be so just hang in there and try to stay positive ------------- Anita Mum to Cian (Aug 08), Josh (Jun 10) http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: Lips34
Date Posted: 21 August 2009 at 8:41pm
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Hi all, wow, i thought i had put some of you off...lol... but after reading the additional posts, i understand why you needed time out...
Well, after our last heartbreaking news, we are back on the wagon again, i had bloods done yesterday, and again tomorrow morning (another early start) 
fx'd our 2nd transfer will be early next week... DH and i have talked about how we can change things this time round and seeing we work together & he is one of my bosses (sometimes a bonus) we've decided to keep me off work during the 2WW 
Luckily my job allows me to work from home if i need to. How is everyone else doing? to everyone waiting for round 2
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Posted By: GabysMummy
Date Posted: 23 August 2009 at 12:19pm
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BFN's are hard :( I wish none of them had to experience them! ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: kebakat
Date Posted: 23 August 2009 at 12:32pm
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It must be so hard for you girls who have been trying for so long. I can't imagine that.
A couple of you mentioned weight. Why not make that a little focus for you.. or a distraction. The weight loss thread in the general section is helpful. Lots of girls trying to loose weight, seeing their results is motivation and hey if it helps you feel better and improve your chances why not? Just a thought anyway. |
Posted By: AandCsmum
Date Posted: 23 August 2009 at 9:41pm
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BFN suck, there is no other way of putting it, & no one really understands how you feel except you.
When was in my continual time of disappointment I was lucky to have a group of 5 friends that I chatted to daily on email. They all knew all the details. So I could be very open with them. Then at the end I was really getting over the TWW & wanted to talk to people in the same stage as me & I found OhBaby, ironically I got pregnant then. One thing I swear helped was going to a naturopath. So maybe an option as well? ------------- Kel http://lilypie.com"> 
A = 01.02.04 & C = 16.01.09 & G = 30.03.12 |
Posted By: BethG
Date Posted: 25 August 2009 at 5:59pm
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Hi all
I have finally figured it out - why I got a BFN this month.... I figure its because if I did get pregant, then baby would be born in May - and I already have too many birthday's in May! Oh and baby needs to be born in winter to use all the hand knitted booties and clothes that future Nana is knitting! Well I know they are feeble reasons, but it worked for me. Any reason to figure out why the stork did not give me a baby this month. Ha ha - I am feeling much better about the whole thing now as we are back on track with daily blood tests waiting for ovulation for the next round of implantation. I am back on the treadmill in the hope of losing more weight. I have found that with PCOs that it is so much harder to loose the weight than others. It is really hard to keep motivated when you are not seeing the results of your hard work. Chins up and keep smiling all
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Posted By: Mattsmum
Date Posted: 25 August 2009 at 8:37pm
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Hi
I thought I would add a comment, I hate the BFN and I always convince myself I have pregnancy symptoms for ages before. I took ages to have my first and am now trying for number 2. I too have PCOS and need to loose weight. when I get a BFN I work out what the due date would be if I concieve next month and set a weight loss goal for the next month. - don't always get there but its something to focus on. Kebakat - where is the weightloss thread? I would be keen to join it. ------------- http://lilypie.com">  http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: kebakat
Date Posted: 25 August 2009 at 9:22pm
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http://www.ohbaby.co.nz/Forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=20392&get=last#756901 - linky for the weightloss thread
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Posted By: Lips34
Date Posted: 26 August 2009 at 10:15pm
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Hi all, i haven't logged in for a while, things have been quite busy at work, (keeps my mind off things)
hope everyone has been well and keeping busy?
Well, after many blood tests and alot of bruising we finally got the call today to say the TER is happening on friday morning at 8.45am DH & I are so excited, but also really nervous, (only after getting the BFN 2 weeks ago)....needless to say, i'm taking the whole 2 weeks off and working from home in my time and away from office politics and stress
We did have one lot of bad news, we only had 5 little embryos frozen, all 5 got thawed, but we got a call today to say 3 didn't make it so we were pretty gutted, but hey, with a little positive thinking and fx'd hopefully 1 of them will stick and want us as his/her parents.....so i guess on friday, i'll be back in the 'Mighty 2WW' thread
Look forward to seeing some of you in there soon Take care, keep smiling
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Posted By: Lips34
Date Posted: 26 August 2009 at 10:24pm
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BethG, how's your progress going? we both got our BFN's on the same day
Our timing must be pretty close? Look forward to seeing you in the 2WW thread soon
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Posted By: BethG
Date Posted: 26 August 2009 at 11:33pm
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Hi Lips33
Great news about your TER on Friday - I will be thinking of you and have my fingers crossed. It is disappointing to hear about your 3 dying and I wonder how mine will handle the defrosting. I am still in the process of having daily blood tests as I always seem to be late at ovulating. I will let you all know when I get my date and then join in the fun in the 2WW thread to help pass the time. |
Posted By: Treen
Date Posted: 27 August 2009 at 9:48am
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Lips and Beth. Have you ever thought about TCM or as Aliasmum says, naturopathy? I have PCOS too, and I came off the pill about 3 years ago. DH and I started off with a "if it happens, it happens" approach but after 1&1/2 years, we started timing BD around OV. But that didn't work either.
I suspected PCOS as I have an irregular AF which likes to disappear about once a year for 5 or 6 months. After PCOS was confirmed, we had 3 unsuccessful rounds of clomid. By then I was getting pretty impatient so I went gang busters for 6 months with acupuncture, Chinese herbs, a low sugar diet and exercise. Not only did it regulate my AF, but now I have my BFP. It was bloody hard work, but well worth it!
Also, a lot of women do TCM at the same time as IVF (that was going to be our next step). So you could think about that, too... that's if you're not already doing it. Good luck! ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: BethG
Date Posted: 29 August 2009 at 1:06pm
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Ok so its that time around for me again. I have my transfer booked in for Monday morning - yay!!!
I will go join in the 2WW thread - see you all there! |
Posted By: Shezzey
Date Posted: 29 August 2009 at 5:37pm
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Best wishes BethG |
