un-attached?
Printed From: OHbaby!
Category: Pregnant
Forum Name: Pregnancy
Forum Description: Pregnant! Wanting to chat to other mums-to-be (or dads-to-be)? Share your thoughts, experiences, and ideas... This is that place!
URL: https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=25205
Printed Date: 25 August 2025 at 10:43am
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Topic: un-attached?
Posted By: monikah
Subject: un-attached?
Date Posted: 14 March 2009 at 10:46am
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is it wierd that i am so completely calm about having this baby? its not just that im really unstressed about labour and bringing baby home but in my head everything seems to be very logistical from my view.
being of a quite scientific logically processed nature i see everything is rational and having a reason. the birth for me is a physiological process which goes through stages and out comes a baby at the end which i then take home. i then find a way to juggle having a baby with my study and other commitments. me and DH have worked out that he will do all the housework and duties at night while i study. he will work during the day and i will do uni and look after the baby (classes are only 6 hours a week) ppl that know me quite we arent terribly suprised that i plan on going strait on with my life once i feel up to it (with provisions for looking after a baby) but i get a few weird comments from other people about it and get told that im really unattached to my baby, whereas i think im just really organised. i have plans in place in case something goes wrong and i cant go strait back but i want to be back to normal as soon as poss. i dont know if any of this makes sense but i wonder if i should feel more for my baby than i do. DH is really excitied and we have both thrown ourselves into making sure this baby is happy and has everything he needs and worked out how i can spend as much time as poss at home and in 'mum mode' but i still wonder if i should more more scared of the birth, or more excitied bout actually having a baby and less concerned with how he is going to fit in with my life. is it bad that i dont want to drop everything and play with baby all day everyday until he is one? ------------- 
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Replies:
Posted By: LeahandJoel
Date Posted: 14 March 2009 at 11:50am
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I think its great that you have a plan and you are organised. I like to be organised as well and while I am lucky enough to be able to stay home with both kids full time I do crave some adult conversation by the end of the day. I think if you have planned all this and are making sure that babies needs are being met then you are doing fine, anyway i'm sure that once you hold wee Mack then all those feelings that you think aren't there will suddenly appear. -------------  
 
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Posted By: caitlynsmygirl
Date Posted: 14 March 2009 at 11:55am
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I felt the same about birth (until I went through it , then its completly different )
Once baby is here and you set eyes on him the first time , you will have feelings you hadn't thought would happen , but I was never desiring to stay and play with my baby all the time , some mums love doing that , me , i get bored . Caitlyn is still happy and knows I love her tho,I just give her as much of myself as I can , but not all , I save some of me, for me. I don't know if that makes any sense , my back is sore and im rambling .... ------------- 
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Posted By: Rachael21
Date Posted: 14 March 2009 at 1:53pm
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I think you have a really good attitude actually and you may well fine labour goes quite smoothly for you if you go into it relaxed. I think having plans in place already for studying with a newborn is a very good idea, just don't put too much pressure on yourself for those first few weeks.
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Posted By: WRXnKids
Date Posted: 14 March 2009 at 3:00pm
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Its a great attitude to have and children are suppose to fit into your life (obviously a few things might change) not you fit into theirs thats how you end up feeling like you have lost yourself otherwise. However like the others have said dont put pressure on yourself to stick to your plan because once the baby arrives it might not all just slot together like that. Girl i worked with ended up with PND because she is a very organized person and had plans in her mind that the baby would arrive and fit into everything she already did etc but she ended up with a baby with really bad reflux and colic that didnt have the wake and sleep routines she had expected and it threw her out completely for quite awhile.
I know when Josh arrived it was NOTHING like what i expected i was totally floored at how demanding it was on me mentally. The only thing that worried me was how to get him out and i thought everything beyond that would be easy which wasnt the case for me. All i say is that you shouldnt stress and thats great but be open to the fact it could be nothing like you anticipate and you might feel completely changed after it all happens. In my experience with Josh most our plans went out the window. -------------   
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Posted By: hannibal
Date Posted: 14 March 2009 at 3:07pm
| Good luck on your plans I think its great that you are organised - once you have bubs you will probably feel very different - I was like how am I going to cope without going to work (as I loved my job), once you have bubs things will change - as the saying goes they are get time wasters! I can just sit and look at her, I love being will her and doing things like playing, taking her out ... I am returning to work in a couple of weeks and absoultely dreading it - for the girl who once loved her job it definately is way down on the list now - I would absoutely love to stay at home full time but the bills need paying! I love it when people say you will get time to sleep and do things when they are asleep - my bubs wasn't one who wanted to stick to my plans and it is truly amazing how fast the days go! Best of luck with everything - and I certainly don't think you are unattached at it!! |
Posted By: Emmecat
Date Posted: 14 March 2009 at 3:38pm
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Monikah- we are in similar boats actually although DP is highly unlikely to do any let alone all the housewok lol. I'm feeling pretty organised and 'practical' about the baby...although am freaking out a bit about our foster son and how I will cope with him as well as a newborn. -------------   http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow"> 
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But yeah, that aside I'm not feeling overly clucky or maternal about our bubba. Obviously am thrilled to be pg and love feeling her move and seeing that she's ok etc but am hoping the motherly instnct kicks in soon! 
Maybe it's our way of coping with lots on?Posted By: busybee
Date Posted: 15 March 2009 at 5:37pm
Glad to see I am not the only 'unemotional' one around here. I am excited and it is what we wanted but I am not going all mushy here. I don't happen to think there is anything wrong with it. Some people are more practically minded than others. Find your groove and stay true to yourself.  I am sure your kid will be happier with a mom that is happy and sure of who she is than one that is constantly doubting and second guessing cause 'they say so'. Good luck
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Posted By: Delli
Date Posted: 15 March 2009 at 7:04pm
This is EXACTLY how I feel about it! Those words could have come from my own mouth. ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
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Yo wrote:Posted By: Joscia
Date Posted: 16 March 2009 at 9:19am
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Same with me! I'm not a hugely demonstrative / emotional / 'touchy-feely' person at the best of times - sometimes can be pragmatic to a fault - and I haven't felt sentimental about this pregnancy at all. (yet!) Don't get me wrong - I am VERY excited about the prospect of having this baby, meeting it etc, and I'm growing fonder of it day by day - especially now that I can 'play' with it and feel like I'm getting some response. But, like you Monikah - I feel that life still goes on, and will continue to do so - just with a new person involved as well! ------------- http://alterna-tickers.com"> 
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Posted By: SpecialK
Date Posted: 16 March 2009 at 9:53am
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Ditto.
DH and I were talking about this just the other day. Sometimes people feel like they have to compartmentalise their lives - e.g. first travel, then get married (need to ge travelling out of the system before marriage - wtf?! why?), become a mum and give up lots of things that used to define them as a person... all because they now have a baby. I don't really buy in to that. You are still your own person, with your own plans and goals, and things you want to achieve. It's just that you have to work out how to do that with a baby around. I guess that's a really big issue for me, one of my biggest fears is loosing myself as a person, hence the slightly ranty post! I love babies in general, love this baby and can't wait to have it... but there are things I need to do for me. Does any of this make any sense?! ------------- http://lilypie.com">  http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: monikah
Date Posted: 16 March 2009 at 9:59am
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im feeling much better now. my sister thinks im an alien. i dont get excited about shopping. i have planned when i would like to have my next baby because i have an easy semester, ive worked out how to spread my degree over 5 years so i spend as little time as possible at uni but still get to start my PhD as soon as he is at shcool. i get told im like 'bones' (if any of you watch that) apparently im no good to talk to cos i rationalise everything and dont worry or panic no matter what. lol. but i think you guys may be right, hopefully when he comes out even if i do want to continue uni as i am ill feel a lot more for him. -------------
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Posted By: emz
Date Posted: 16 March 2009 at 7:43pm
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I don't see anything wrong with it as it sounds exactly like what I was like but yes babies can throw spanners in the works, but you adapt and carry on. You learn to ask for help, or accept it when offered which I was never a fan of.
I was pregnant through my whole last year of my degree which is how we planned it (might as well get 2 things done at once  ) and will only spend a max of 2.5 years out of the workforce. I would have had it less if #2 had cooperated and stuck earlier than it did lol.
I also returned to my part-time job when #1 was 4 weeks old. It was only 10 hours a week but I know I was a zombie until about 10 weeks when I finally got back into the swing of things and my body felt my own again. Good luck chick, it will be hard, no denying that, but nothing in life worth anything is easy 
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Posted By: AandCsmum
Date Posted: 17 March 2009 at 7:08pm
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Nah It's fine to feel this way, everyone has a different approach. I was exactly the same, but it was more that I had other major things going on in each pregnancy so I didn't really buy into the whole idea of being pregnant until the end really. Although this one I took heaps more pics.
I find that I am less maternal & because I don't work myself up to this "ideal" I've "enjoyed" my labours & love my kids to bits, although at times I want to hand them on & wish for my old careless life back but who doesn't wish that. Oh the money we used to waste! ------------- Kel http://lilypie.com"> 
A = 01.02.04 & C = 16.01.09 & G = 30.03.12 |
Posted By: astral_monkey
Date Posted: 18 March 2009 at 4:10pm
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I love how supportive everyone here is!
I don't have my own bubs yet, but when my niece was born I went and stayed with my sister as she had to go back to work when bubs was just 9 weeks old. I remember my sister making a comment to my baby niece about how she loved her to bits, but couldn't have a conversation with her about tax legislation so she had to go back to work! LOL! Just my 2 cents, do not listen to anyone who tells you how you should feel, or behave - do what's best for your family! P.S. I love Bones! ------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow">  |
Posted By: Mummy_Bron
Date Posted: 19 March 2009 at 5:57pm
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I really respect and understand that you've planned and thought about how things could work - if you don't do that you miss opportunities! However, i would reiterate that things are not always how you expect/hope with a baby and if you keep that in the back of your mind you will cope better if you can't quite stick with your plan. I was kind of the opposite - thought i'd love being a full time Mum but in reality I was more than ready to get back to part time work as soon as possible! I was really glad I had not burned my bridges at work. When I left for maternity leave in my heart I thought I'd never come back but luckily I didn't tell them that! ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: anon
Date Posted: 20 March 2009 at 12:14pm
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My cousin was like that particularly with her first child. She said to me recently that she felt there is a reason mums are pregnant for 9 months. Partly it's for the baby to grow, but it's also partly for us to get ready for the birth, even mentally to wrap our heads around it.
This is my first baby, but I have a huge amount of experience and training in working with children, including as a nurse etc. It wasn't until her baby was born that my cousin started to have real feelings about everything. Your hormones will kick in at that time, and it's a really natural thing. Sometimes even when their babies are born, some mums take a little longer to bond, but you will have all the help and support you need from midwives etc. to help you with that process. I think it's great that you make plans as best you can as to how you are going to manage your life and cope with baby. Of course that's important, but plans need to be reviewed to see if they are still working for you - you have no idea whether this will be a dream baby that will allow for your studies or not... be open to changing your plans depending on how things go :) And don't worry too much. I am excited for you! Not long to go!! I wish very much that I was at your stage :) ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
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