Has baby made yrr r’ship worse or better?
Printed From: OHbaby!
Category: Have A Baby?
Forum Name: First baby? Second or more?
Forum Description: Want help? Need support? Want tips? Men and women share advice and tips in this supportive community
URL: https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=24843
Printed Date: 10 September 2025 at 5:07pm
Software Version: Web Wiz Forums 11.10 - http://www.webwizforums.com
Topic: Has baby made yrr r’ship worse or better?
Posted By: Emmecat
Subject: Has baby made yrr r’ship worse or better?
Date Posted: 26 February 2009 at 8:27pm
|
I've been doing a lot of thinking (and worrying lol) lately about the upcoming birth of our baby and while I guess it's realtively normal to worry about how things will change, I thought I might just go straight to the horses mouth and ask you ladies how you really feel about this topic. It seems that since we got pg, DP and I have been fighting more. Will we still feel the same sort of love for each other? Will I ever want sex again lol? I'm so scared we're going to turn into a couple who parent ok together but aren't a 'couple' anymore, it that makes sense? I know that romantic love doesn't last forever, it's just we only had a year or so of that before we moved in together and then only another few months on our own before taking on our foster son (long story but it kind of HAD to be done at that point). A year on from that and we're very pg.....and happy....but a little part of me wonders whether all the responsibility and stress of the last year will slowly break us apart ( I don't mean literally, I mean emotionally). What are your experiences of baby arriving? Has the love for your DH increased or decreased or changed and in what way? How have you manged to keep the 'couple' love alive or does it just die completely? Maybe I think too much lol. -------------   http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow"> 
|
He says I'm really hormonal (not helpful) and I've started to see how much more help I'll need around the house and it's hit me that I'll be finacially dependent on someone else for the first time in my adult life...a scary thought for Ms Independant! 
Now, whilst we are working through our worries etc (and I'm sure they're not unusual concerns), I have been wondering what its gonna be like when bubba comes. Will our relationship become worse? 
I know we love each other VERY much and wanted this baby very much..... but it's scary to move from being a couple (albeit with a foster child already) to PARENTS together IYKWIM? Replies:
Posted By: busymum
Date Posted: 26 February 2009 at 8:52pm
|
Ours has got better from how we started but it does take a lot of work. It's harder to go out and have a date or even just spend some special time together when you are exhausted and/or breastfeeding and/or have to arrange (and pay for) babysitters. But in our experience if you keep up the little things - the back rubs and flowers and complimenting each other instead of taking them for granted - you'll come out with an even stronger relationship. Sometimes you need to "invest" in giving those good things so that when the bumps hit (raising kids brings a lot more issues and decisions to the fore), you have good stuff to fall back against.
Hope that helps  -------------  |
Posted By: AandCsmum
Date Posted: 26 February 2009 at 8:53pm
|
My advice is that you need to continually work at it. You have all this love for your baby that you kinda forget about DH.
Relationships have to be continually worked at & you need to keep the communication lines open. We went through a whole pile of crap after #1 as while we were preg we got married & DH had a major accident, so we were dealing with the repercussions of that & it took a long while to come right. This time around I'm making sure DH is feeling loved at the end of the day & that he gets some us time. We have money worries this time but good communication is working & I'm going to get back on that bike as soon as I can cause it's good for both of us  ------------- Kel http://lilypie.com"> 
A = 01.02.04 & C = 16.01.09 & G = 30.03.12 |
Posted By: scribe
Date Posted: 26 February 2009 at 9:03pm
|
Aliasmum and busymum are right - you do have to make sure that you look after your relationship, not just focus on your new baby.
BUT I think that if you truly love him - and obviously you do - it will only bring you closer together. Sharing in the joy of bringing a child into the world creates a bond between you that will never be broken. Gosh that sounds soap-opera-ish but it's true! I was Ms Independent before too, but I think our relationship has benefited from me having to rely on DH a lot more. He's certainly stepped up to his new responsibilities, even if that hasn't been easy at times, and I admire him for that. Yes, there may be days when you crave a little more independence, but you'll never be Miss Independent again anyway, because you'll be a mother - you'll always have a daughter relying on you in some way... I don't think things will be worse - just 'different' ... |
Posted By: CuriousG
Date Posted: 26 February 2009 at 9:06pm
|
I think it goes through stages of good and bad. Having a baby is a massive adjustment for both of you - I struggled to figure out who I was after DD was born and unfortunately we had some rough patches in those first few months.
After that, once the routines were set in place and we were out of that initial newborn shock stage, things got back to where they were beforehand. Yes, you will want sex again (although not for a while because damn you are tired) and it will eventually get back to being how it was but it will take time. As long as you continue to openly talk to each other, take each day as it comes and try to enjoy life then I think you will be fine. ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
http://lilypie.com"> 
|
Posted By: Blankney94
Date Posted: 26 February 2009 at 9:11pm
|
My daughter Brooke is only 4 weeks old. But I can already tell you I have a newfound respect for my DH and I'm seeing a side of him I've never seen before. He is so relaxed around our baby and so patient - things that I am not good at! DH is great at calming me down or taking over when I get myself into a right tizz. We are a bit short on 'couple time', but we were prepared for that anyway. ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
|
Posted By: lilfatty
Date Posted: 26 February 2009 at 9:39pm
|
I personally think you love your partner differently once you become a parent.
Beforehand its a "you are my life without you I would be lost romantic" kind of love Once a baby comes they become your life .. I love DH to pieces .. and he still takes my breath away but a baby changes things completely and to tell you the truth we are both surprised we have come through the past year still a couple! (Especially after the first three months of newborn hell lol) We have to make a conscious effort to "make time" for each other as you do tend to get stuck in the rut of daily living and going down to one income (soon to be none when I have number two) it makes going out much harder. Oh and Id to have sex ... but usually im just to knackered by the time we are both in bed lol ... although we are having number two ... so we obviously found some time for some noctural activities ------------- Mummy to Issy (3) and Elias (18 months) I did it .. 41 kgs gone! From flab to fab in under a year  http://www.femininefitness.co.nz/category/blog - LFs weight blog
|
Posted By: kellie
Date Posted: 27 February 2009 at 12:06am
|
It definately changes your relationship. It has made mine better. I do worry I don't give him all the attention he deserves. And I must admit sometimes at the end of the day when I finally have some time to myself (baby in bed for the night, housework done etc) if he wants to um snuggle I get pissed off, then feel guilty.
Oh well lol ------------- 
|
Posted By: Emmecat
Date Posted: 27 February 2009 at 8:10am
|
Those are great- and honest- replies...thank you AnnaK- you mentioned you were very independant before bubba came along...and now you think being less so has actually helped your relationship? I've actually been wondering about that lately...ie if I'm TOO self reliant, even as part of a couple. I sometimes wonder if DP thinks I need him at all, as I'm a very pro-active 'get things done' kind of person (he is not lol). But since being pg, I think he's tried to step up in this area and maybe I haven't let him...or havne't recongnised his efforts (as they're diferent from mine, of course)...maybe this is something I really need to work on.
------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow">
|
Posted By: FionaO
Date Posted: 27 February 2009 at 5:20pm
|
I agree with everyones comments so far.
i don't think I thought about how much things would change but they have. I was very independent had a job that demanded a lot of me, I actually told my boss before I left, that I would be back to work early as I would be bored - ha, not only is that not true but I am so in love with ds I don't ever want to leave. To be honest, dh and I fight more than pre baby, but I think its because on one income and with a wee baby we both love to death we finally have something real to worry about. I know I take dh for granted and need to slow down and appreciate him more, keep talking, thats the best advice I can give, because its all new and its new for you both. I think having a baby has challenged me in ways I never even thought about, I thought I could do it all and Finley has shown me I can't and to slow down a bit. ------------- 
]  [/URL]
|
Posted By: kebakat
Date Posted: 27 February 2009 at 7:13pm
|
I don't know how much things have changed. Our sex life has and does when I'm preggers cause I go off it completely but oh well lol..
But we make an effort to have husband/wifey time every evening, even if its only for 10 mins before i go to bed (cause I go earlier than him) but usually its longer, just to talk and be with each other without Daniel. |
Posted By: emz
Date Posted: 27 February 2009 at 8:21pm
|
Ours is definitely worse, but that's mainly because we are really struggling financially and I am probably getting made redundant from my part time job soon so will be even worse. Taking the money fights aside, it's about the same, but we fight about different things, like how to parent etc.
We always have time together at night and cuddle and talk in bed for a while before we go to sleep. I often struggle as DH will pull the 'I earn the money' card on me if he thinks I'm not pulling my weight but that says more about his inability to deal with financial stress than it does about how he feels about me. |
Posted By: Lulu
Date Posted: 27 February 2009 at 8:54pm
|
I tended to 'baby' my DH and I still do to a certain extent, but my focus has changed because a certain little girl commands the most attention and that's just the way it is. I've definately seen a shift in our relationship, but I would say it's for the better, we are a united front, and even though there are some days when I may feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders, my DH is still my best friend and the shoulder that I lean on.
I find my DH as attractive as ever, and our sex life is the same as it was pre-baby. It definately takes effort, but of course relationships always do, whether there are children on the scene or not. I have lived with my DH for 15 years and I can quite honestly say that I put in about 10 times the effort than most of the people I know do... and they wonder what is going wrong in their relationship! It is important to take time for the two of you - we are lucky with Grandparents that are happy to babysit. Try and get a good support so that you can have time out. Make the effort to have adventures with each other, the way you would have years ago. ------------- Lou http://www.babysfirstsite.com"> 
|