When is it time to call it quits? (RANT)
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Category: Planning Pregnancy (trying for baby)
Forum Name: Planning Pregnancy (trying for baby)
Forum Description: Trying to get pregnant? Going through fertility treatment? Just planning your first or second child? There are many people out there in the same boat to help and listen and share with
URL: https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=18789
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Topic: When is it time to call it quits? (RANT)
Posted By: Emmecat
Subject: When is it time to call it quits? (RANT)
Date Posted: 02 July 2008 at 9:15pm
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Hi ***Warning: small rant ahead!*** I just wondered if there are any of you who have in the past, or who are now (unsuccessfully) TTC and who have considered giving up doing so? At 12DPO I have just taken what feels like my 90th HPT and it is yet again a BFN and there is nothing that indicates to me that result will change in the next few days.So at what stage do you say 'enough'? I'm very aware I am 34 and been charting since December last year, and used no contraception for about 10-11 months. This has resulted in 1 pg, which m/c at 5 weeks (I have also had a missed m/c at approx 13 weeks gestation about 9 years ago). I appreciate there are ladies who TTC for much longer than DP and I have been trying, but how does one keep going? I'm normally pretty upbeat and positive so am surprised that I'm feeling so upset about this latest BFN and I certainly don't mean it to sound like a 'pity party' as I'm aware I have a v supportive partner and family and for that I'm v grateful. We have a lovely 5 year old whom we foster and hope to adopt but even this makes me sad/upset at times like today when I look at him and think 'I am a good person who would *love* a baby of my own and yet here is this child who's parents are losers and selfish and not interested in their lovely kid that *I* am helping to raise'. It doesn't seem fair they get to breed like rabbits and I cannot. #$%*#* is all I can say about the whole sorry business.
**rant over...thanks for listening** -------------   http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow"> 
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To all intents and purposes DP and I are both very healthy, my cycles are regular and I (apparently) ov monthly, so is my not getting pg just a sign that I'm not meant to ever be a biological Mum? DP and I absolutely have been getting our BD timing right, and although we haven't gone for tests etc, my Dr of 11 years is not in the least concerned about my ferttily or lack thereof (ie he thinks there is *no* problem and to relax, it'll happen). Replies:
Posted By: FionaS
Date Posted: 02 July 2008 at 9:23pm
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Hugs to you. We TTC for 2 years even though I was only 25 at the time. We ended up being diagnosed with "unexplained infertility" as all our tests came back fine. In the end we did 3 cycles of clomiphene and have Elle as a result. I've had no probs getting preg since (but have had 2 miscarriages which were 100% bad luck...nothing at all wrong with us).
So chin up, if you need some time off then take it but if you want to continue, perhaps talk to your DP about seeing a specialist. In our case, it was very very worth it. An in answer to your original question...it is very normal to feel like giving up! TTC without success is a huge thing to go through. ------------- Mummy to Gabrielle and Ashley |
Posted By: Emmecat
Date Posted: 02 July 2008 at 9:32pm
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Thanks Fiona ((hugs)) back to you cos I know you've had a paticularly hard time the last 6 months or so...bless. I so admire that you and others have gone down the specialist route, you're so strong to do that. I just don't know that I have that in me IYKWIM...hard to explain really.... ------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow">
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Posted By: Two Blondinis
Date Posted: 02 July 2008 at 9:38pm
 BIG BIG hugs to you!
I know exactly how you feel, I was 28 and DH was 36 both pretty much healthy. We tried for 18 months and each month when AF arrived I felt like my whole world had ended. Like you I thought we were doing everything right, but still no BFP! My DH was a fantastic support as always. We finally gave in and were booked in to have the fertility tests in January when we got pregnant in the October. We just got to the stage where we accepted this was not something that was going to happen without help from specialists and we just relaxed and BD'd for fun (crazy huh? LOL) and now we have an almost 2 year old  .
Perhaps that's the avenue you guys need to take? And what kept me going for 18 loooong months? Sheer bloody mindedness that one day I WOULD get to hold my own little baby, dammitt!!!  
Like with most dreams and goals you just have to keep working at it and one way or another you'll get to fulfill that dream, just sometimes it isn't exactly how you first planned (like through IVF or adoption). BTW - I think you are doing something amazing for your foster child and you should be very proud of yourselves  ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
 
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Posted By: FionaS
Date Posted: 02 July 2008 at 9:39pm
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Sometimes the body just needs some help to work it all out and then after that it can do it naturally....
I remember having those same thoughts but now that we have our girl I barely even give it a thought. I carried her myself, gave birth to her myself so needing a teeny bit of chemical help to conceive her seems insignificant now. ------------- Mummy to Gabrielle and Ashley |
Posted By: AngieBabe
Date Posted: 02 July 2008 at 9:44pm
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Ahhh hugs hun, it's a huge thing to go through - my Dh and I have been trying for 19mths now, one m/c in there 7 mths ago now and another probable chemical pregnancy not long after we started trying (but before charting or really knowing what's what)... I've been temping etc for a bit over a year now and am thoroughly *aware* of my body.
You know a lot of this anyways as we've travelled the journey together the last few months, so I understand and completely empathise with you. All I can say is this: I found a brilliant accupunturist who not only dealt with the fertility side of things but also on my overall energy and ability to relax... not saying that relaxing is the answer but personally I was rather uptight about everything... sadly I haven't seen a lot of her lately and have noticed the anxiety levels returning. I also had an understanding GP who organised all the prelim blood tests and scans for me as well as SA for DH. She started these at the 10mth mark for me knowing that I was ovulating according to my charts (she also supported the accupuncture)... I would say on this front get pushy with your doc and get these done. On the surface of it all I am also a healthy, fit person who had been off the BCP for a good 5 years before we TTC (used condoms in the interim) but as it turns out, I do have issues (Endo as you know) - I'm not saying that there will be anything wrong but it certainly pays to get onto it as soon as you can just in case there is underlying factors. Emotionally I do have big ups and downs, who on this journey doesn't!?! I just know that for me I fight to stay positive as otherwise it's just a big black hole for me. It may be blind faith but I know I will be a mother one day - even if it involves a bit of medical intervention or adoption... I am also a lot easier on myself these days, not so strict with the should nots of TTC and I got so totally fed up of living by the 'what if's of maybe getting pregnant this month' that I made a real concerted effort to not put my life on hold, to focus on other areas such as the spiritual (since so much effort had been put into the physical) to get my four points 'balanced' again - if that makes any sense!! I think I'm starting to ramble now, but I do know that I've learned to relinquish a bit of the control and I actually feel freer for it. Oooh, not to be at all mean to you or anything, but I also got my POAS urges reigned in and found a way to talk myself out of supposed (but seemingly very real!) pregnancy symptoms - maybe a self-preserving technique but it has saved a wee bit of my sanity! ETA: not saying that any of this will be right for you, but it seems to work for me and I hope you can take what you need out of it... oh, and sorry about my novel! ------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow">  
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Posted By: Bizzy
Date Posted: 02 July 2008 at 9:49pm
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its hard, and as you know being that little bit older makes it harder.. i used to keep a diary and wrote in it many a time that i wanted to give up, that i felt i should leave my husband so he could meet someone who could give him kids, how worthless i felt... etc etc etc....
now of course i have 3 kids... we are our own worse enemies and sometimes the constant charting and test taking takes it toll more than if we just tried to ignore it all. here, have a hug!
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Posted By: WestiesGirl
Date Posted: 02 July 2008 at 9:59pm
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Aww Hugs Karen.
My heart goes out to all those who have been TTC for a long period. You are all very strong women ------------- Our Angel July 08  Gone but not forgotten
And to complete our family, our princess has arrived 
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Posted By: mummyofprinces
Date Posted: 02 July 2008 at 10:08pm
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Karen! You just rant away when ever you feel like it hun.
Bigs hugs! -------------   
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Posted By: Two Blondinis
Date Posted: 02 July 2008 at 10:23pm
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the diary is a very good idea. I kept one through my pregnancy with Caitlin, stopped me having paranoid rants at DH lol and I've started one early this time to help me through the rough days ------------- http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: Paws
Date Posted: 03 July 2008 at 4:45am
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Big hugs sweetie. It is an incredibly hard thing to go through.
Quite honestly (and you may not want to hear it) but the best thing we did was give up TTC. The month we did, the month we didn't think it about it, care about and in fact (TMI moment here) only had "relations" once in the whole month becuase we were so over it, was the month Maddie was conceived, after just over a year of trying. The last thing we ever want to hear from a doctor or otherwise is that we just have to relax and you have no idea how annoyed I was to find out that it's true. We had been on our been on our big cruise, had lots of time off and were disgustingly relaxed! I honestly would throw out all the TTC gears and get back to just having fun, you could be very surprised with what happens! Good luck babe! ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: lovingmummyhood
Date Posted: 03 July 2008 at 6:06am
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Emmecat. I know what you mean about putting your life and soul into ttc and not getting the desired result. It is just so frustrating! We've been ttc since Feb 07 and I really thought it would have happened by now. It's particularly stressful when it seems so easy for others. I have a friend who started trying after us, whose daughter turned one in April and now she is due again in November. Of course I'm happy and excited for her but I don't get why it hasn't happened for us yet. I have thought about giving up but don't think that's going to happen because then I'd probably be stressing that I might have missed a good time. Aaarrgh. Sorry for my ramble - just wanted to say that I understand how you feel and we're all here for you And thank god for OhBaby - where would we be without this place?? ------------- http://lilypie.com">  http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: tiptoes
Date Posted: 03 July 2008 at 7:30am
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Hey emmecat I feel the same way each month and get really worried that it's just never going to happen. The thing that seems to keep me going is each month I start hunting up on new tips or vitamins to take each month that might help in some way, it kind of gives me back the feeling of control. Even if they're not helping it feels like I've given myself a better chance for the following month and gets me excited all over again. Not sure if that's the best strategy but thought I'd share.
I'm thinking of taking acupunture too, as even if it does nothing but help me relax that will be a good thing. It is going to happen for you and I'm sure it will be soon. It doesn't feel fair when so many other people get pg straight away and then we get told we haven't been trying long, but it feels like a long time when you can't stop thinking about it every day. Don't give up it's going to happen really soon I'm sure! ------------- http://alterna-tickers.com">  
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Posted By: BaAsKa
Date Posted: 03 July 2008 at 7:45am
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I do the diary thing too - i call it my fertility journal and by god it has kept me sane!!!
huge hugs for you Emmecat! i know its frustrating! we TTC#2 for 14ish months and we were both young and had already had one and i though "gez what is going on!!??". I suggest telling your body that you are giving TTC a break and you will get pregnant the next day (or 2!)  (murphys law!).
BTW - you and you DP are absolutely awsome for being loving foster parents
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Posted By: Vanillabean
Date Posted: 03 July 2008 at 8:11am
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Awww Emmecat, its just so hard.
You know before I started ttc I was convinced that I would get pregnant within a month or two because that's what happened to my mother and a number of my friends (even though they were in their 30s). But as you know, that's not what happened for me. Then I was convinced that I would conceive on my honeymoon because that seems to happen to so many people. But I didn't. Before Christmas last year I became convinced that we would need IVF to conceive. I grieved intensely for a couple of days every time I got my period or a string of BFNs. Then in January my period was late but I kept getting BFNs for days. Finally a bought a Discover test and got bloods done on the same day and the pregnancy was confirmed but with an hcg level of only 59. It doubled in two days and the next day I started miscarrying. Then I read that people are really fertile after a miscarriage so I thought I would get pregnant again straight away. But I didn't. The first month after the miscarriage when I didn't conceive it was like I was grieving for my loss all over again. The months went by again and I began to get afraid that the pregnancy had been just a fluke and maybe we did have fertility problems after all. When I got pregnant again last month, I was sure that everything would work out this time, until it didn't. For many of us ttc can really be a journey with many twists and turns. I understand wanting to give up, sometimes the emotional pain seems overwhelming. I am now afraid that I will be unable to sustain my next pregnancy or any pregnancy. Its a terrifying thought. This whole journey has also been incredibly hard on my relationship, although I'm happy to say we have a very loving and supportive relationship despite all of this stress and pain. But, for me, I can't give up yet. I just want to have a child too much. And most of the time I believe that I will have one, one day. I just want to say to you that just because you are having a hard time doesn't mean that its not meant to be or that it won't happen for you. It just means that you are having a really hard time. And we are all here to support you through that. On another note, Angiebabe, would you mind telling me the name of your acupuncturist? ------------- 5x mc, Jan 08, June 08, Nov 08, May 09, April 11 http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: ginger
Date Posted: 03 July 2008 at 8:24am
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I haven't read the other comments so I'll probably repeat a few things ...
I don't think it's a case of giving up, I think when you cannot conceive, you reach a state of acceptance which ultimately purely keeps you from going mad. My suggestion to you? Go around your Dr. You are 34 and the recommended wait for you is 6 months TTC before seeking further assistance. Self-refer yourself to a specialist and see what they suggest. DH and I had a miscarriage and the suggestion was that this meant there was likely nothing wrong with our fertility ... and here we are, 4 years down the track, finally carrying (an IVF) baby. It *doesn't* necessarily mean things are ok. But, of course, it can actually be quite normal for TTC to take 9 months to 2 years!  
The whole 'just relax' thing is a crock of sh*te. You perhaps do need to relax, but for *you* not for TTC. It's to help you not go mad. It doesn't make a bit of difference to TTC in my opinion. Treat yourself, and give yourself things to look forward to at the end of a cycle to buffer the lows. ------------- Cuinn Lachlan 23.1.09 - 22:00 Antonia Helene 4.8.11 - 09:41 |
Posted By: Emmecat
Date Posted: 03 July 2008 at 8:27am
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Jeez you guys are brilliant! Thank you all so much for your support and your stories...it's heartening to know I'm not the only one who is or has felt like this (not that I thought I was....but YKWIM!)! Angie- I can relate so well to what you're saying about being uptight about things as I absolutely have that in common with you.... it is frustrating that my fertility is one thing I can't control! Vanillabean- I'm so sorry for all your losses; like you, I thought I would concieve straight away like I did in my mid 20's....the fact that I haven't has been troubling to say the least...even though Dr says all is ok. I don't know if I'm at that stage yet where I want to *push* for extra tests etc.....mainly cos I'm feeling worn out more than anything (and I bloody well *knew* this would happen as soon as I paid a sub to FF lol). To all of you who have suggested a diary or a journel- that is a fantastic idea, I think I will get back to my writing as it is so calming for me. It must be so hard for our hubbys to see how upset we get too so perhaps writing stuff down would help lesson that outward pain? Paws- I think you're bang on saying about taking a break and BD when we want to only. Although after a month of BD competition some of us girls had, I doubt I will ever want to BD again lol. But yeah I think a month or two of that wouldn't hurt at all.
Well am off to take our little boy to school. One of the worse things about all of this TTC journey is I so want to give him a sibling- he has gone through so much in his wee life and would love a brother or sister. It won't lesson the grief of having bioparents who don't want him but it would make him part of a real family that does...although in saying that he is most definately that already with DP and I!! I'm very lucky that I am already a 'Mum'. ------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow">
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Posted By: Konagirl
Date Posted: 03 July 2008 at 9:33am
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Am so with you Emmecat. hang in there. DP and I have just had our results and he's at about 15% fertile so I would also suggest just getting initial tests done to make sure things are as they should be.
I really struggled with the letting go of being able to control this making babies thing. Seems like so many things in my life I'm able to control, but not this one. Everyone said relax and it would happen and it didn't. So as of Dec we charted, thought that would do it. It didn't. Now DP and i are off to the specialists and he is also getting help from a herbalist friend. It's such a tough road, so many of us are going through it. Hang in there. Endless support from us here. And take care of yourself. Maybe Ginger is right. Maybe cake for breakfast is a damn fine idea. |
Posted By: ginger
Date Posted: 03 July 2008 at 9:36am
It's why I started blogging Emmecat - I needed to get things away from my heart, and have an outlet other than tears for what I was going through. I honestly believed it saved my sanity, and my marriage. ------------- Cuinn Lachlan 23.1.09 - 22:00 Antonia Helene 4.8.11 - 09:41 |
Emmecat wrote:Posted By: Emmecat
Date Posted: 03 July 2008 at 10:20am
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Thanks Ginger and Konagirl. Konagirl I'm sorry to hear about your DH's fertility...it's so damn frustrating when it's out of your control! I noticed there is a FA meeting next week in Wgtn- anyone been to one of these? I thought DP and I might pop along just to see what's involved, even if we don't end up going that route. Also think I will give this cycle a rest from actively TTC and then go see my Dr. I don't have any cake for breakfast but I *do* have some nice bread and a yummy avocado so might have that. ------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow">
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AND A BIG BLOODY COFFEE Posted By: AngieBabe
Date Posted: 03 July 2008 at 10:34am
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Karen, my Dh and I have registered for that FA seminar and will be there, so if you want to come along there'll be a friendly face (well, as much as an online person has a face... ugh, you know what I mean! ) ------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow">
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Posted By: Emmecat
Date Posted: 03 July 2008 at 10:37am
Ange I think I will register. It will be nice to meet you in person too....seeing as we have been on this same journey for quite a while now! Hopefully DP can finish his new job early to come along. Hope he doesn't make any inappropriate sperm jokes haha (he's kinda loud)  ------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow">
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Posted By: ginger
Date Posted: 03 July 2008 at 10:51am
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It's a really worthwhile seminar guys but it fills up quick Emmecat so get onto it! ------------- Cuinn Lachlan 23.1.09 - 22:00 Antonia Helene 4.8.11 - 09:41 |
Posted By: Emily281
Date Posted: 03 July 2008 at 3:15pm
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Hi Karen
I know how you feel. My worst fear was that I wouldn't be able to get pg - but when I first started this journey (in Jan 07) I was really excited and hopeful every month. My tww I would always have 'symptoms' and then be absolutely gutted when AF arrived. After about 8 or 9 months I couldn't do it any more ... I gave up hoping each month and just accepted that I wasn't going to get pg naturally. I was just BDing to say that we had, but really I was killing time until I hit that magic 12 month mark and could see a fertility specialist. So you can imagine my reaction when my doctor told me that we had to wait another 12 months because the outpatients department had issued a new directive that they didn't want to see people unless they had been trying for 2 years! And apparently there was nothing to worry about because its normal for people to take up to 2 years to conceive. Anyway it was only when I went back to him twice in a week about AF pain that he gave me a referral to both the fertility people and a private gyno. There have been many times I felt like giving up, and like you got sooooo #$@%^%^$ off that deadbeats and child killers could have as many kids as they wanted while kind, loving people have to struggle through months and years of infertility. But what's gotten me through it all these months is seeing other people on message boards (like Ginger) who have finally gotten pg and the sheer joy and appreciation they have for what they have finally been given. ------------- TTC#1: Jan 07 Aug 08: Lap found and excised Stage 3 Endo Nov 08: 2nd lap clear - given OK to TTC after next AF |
Posted By: Lulu
Date Posted: 03 July 2008 at 5:26pm
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I am quite surprised that your Dr has such a relaxed attitude towards your TTC. It seems to be there would be no harm in doing blood tests to determine whether you are ovulating and sperm analyis to determine quality, number and mobility of sperm. Neither of these things can be 'known' by assuming that regular cycles and healthy people mean that everything is in order. I hope this doesn't sound harsh, but after 2.5 years of TTC, making many of the same assumptions, I wondered why I had wasted so much time when I finally find out from further analysis that we would probably never conceive with out medical intervention. In our case, it was a male fertility issue. I think it is worth doing the tests as then these things can either be crossed off the list... or not. And from there you can make decisions based on facts at hand. The fact that you have had two pregnancies is a great sign that you can get pregnant, but these tests will still potentially be helpful to determine why it is taking time to conceive.
Good luck, I hope that your dreams come true. ------------- Lou http://www.babysfirstsite.com"> 
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Posted By: Lulu
Date Posted: 03 July 2008 at 5:28pm
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If you go privately to a fertility specialist for the initial appointment, there is no need to wait even for 12 months. You can still go down the publicly funded route from there if you meet the criteria, but it does speed up the entire process if you go to the initial consultation privately. ------------- Lou http://www.babysfirstsite.com">
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Posted By: trouble101
Date Posted: 03 July 2008 at 9:26pm
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Hi there Emmecat - I sort of know how you feel.
I have been following the forums and really thought you would geta BFP this month! I am sort of in the same boat, we have seriously been trying the past 6 months or so with no luck although saying that I havent been on BCP for about 18 months or so and werent that careful! I did see my dr about it 4 months or so ago, He gave me forms for day 21 bloods and test for DH to get SA done - I havent dont either yet if nothing happens in the next couple of months will look at getting that done. Sometimes I do feel will it happen to us. My periods seem pretty regular and am sure that I ovulate - or at least my fertility monitor tells me that I do. At the moment still have PSN with blue veins across with them and they feel so so sore ... I dont want to read too much into the symptoms at the moment. I have also had 1 successful pregnancy about 8 years ago so am confused as to why it is taking too long (long story but basically adopted my child out in very open adoption to infertile friends of mine as I was very young at the time). I am also thinking about saving up some $$$ just in case we need to get specialist treatment and not sure what the rules are into secondary fertility? when you have successfully been pregnant before? |
Posted By: ezza
Date Posted: 04 July 2008 at 1:40pm
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Hey Emmecat!
Long time, no talk. Just wanted to let you know, i'm thinking of you and logged on hoping to see you had a BFP. I hope your time comes really really really soon. xxx e ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: JadeC
Date Posted: 05 July 2008 at 10:03pm
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Wow, hugs and courage to everyone in this thread.
I know I am starting to feel the same way, and it's only been 6 months for us. I think half of it is having online friends who get pg just by thinking of sex, and also this burning desire to prove that my weight isn't going to be a problem as everyone told me it would for concieving. ------------- http://pregnancy.baby-gaga.com/" rel="nofollow"> 
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