how do you handle visiting friends houses

I have my neice everday after kindy, she is 4, kobe is 3 and addison is 10 months. I often take them out and about, visiting friends etc... but after today Im wondering if Im actually being rude in taking them to others houses. We were at my friends (quite a good friend I might add) and Kobe, my neice and their wee girl were playing in her bedroom as they have done on many an occasion. Today my friends husband was home and he was walking past the room and must have seen kobe throw a book or something and made some comment about it, couldnt quite catch what he said but he obviously wasnt impressed so I went in and told the kids to clean up and come out of the room. For the rest of the day I felt like I had to watch everything the kids did, I must have told Kobe off about 5 times for things that I didnt actually think were that bad but felt like I had to in front of the hubby. Made for a pretty miserable afternoon to be honest because i felt guilty telling him off and felt like the hubby was thinking my son was a terror which he isnt. They are good kids and always just play nicely, clean up after themselves etc... but yeah he is a boy and they do play a bit rough some times, he has never broken anything or hurt anyone and I do expect him to be respectful of other kids toys, its not like i let him run riot.

So my question is, am I asking to much and being rude for taking the two toddlers to others houses and what sort of boundries do you put on your kids when you take them places. Do you expect them to sit and read quietly or let them play. My house for example is a free for all, I have a lounge that has all the toys in and the kids can go nuts and I would hate for people to feel they couldnt relax in my home. Now I dont feel like I can take them back to her house and also I take them to coffee groups etc.... is this rude?

sorry for the long rant but its been on my mind all evening. I would just hate for people to be thinking oh man she is coming over with all the kids, what are they going to wreck.

Edited by my2angels

Something you might find helpful is asking another friend who you visited how she finds the kids coming to visit? It'll have to be someone who'll be completely honest with you.

I have three girls (as you know) and one of my closest friends is mother to two boys, the oldest of which (nearly 3) is rather rowdy and completely unlike my oldest daughter. So it's a very new experience to me when he comes over and I wonder "is this what boys in general are like? or is it them?" lol. But generally I don't have a problem with kids who play nicely, don't bully or break things, and are organised to at least try to pack up after them in some way.

Some questions you could ask your friend are, would she prefer that the children play in the lounge (in sight) when they come to visit? and would she like to be the visitor sometimes? You might also want to ask if the quantity of visits is working well for her. That's a tough question to ask but if you worded it something like, is it good for [insert her kid's name] or a bit much? You get the drift.

I must admit I'm like Katherine - when I go visiting, especially when it's someone without kids - I'm super-paranoid about everything they'll think. Especially when my girls accidentally broke a cute coffee table item of Andie's once... our only break

It depends who I visit. I usually bring hubby along if I can and he can take care of McKayla and I can visit. If it is really close friends of ours then I dont worry that much but I only allow McKayla to play where I can actually see her.

McKayla is a child that absolutely love new things and exploring. So not that nice when you go visit other people. I usually have to say no and take her away from stuff most of the time.

So now I rather meet at a mutual place if I can.

i,m with nikki

I also used to have 2 minions in the form of Hubby's niece and nephew visiting and OMG they were destructive. They broke anything they could get their hands on, hit each other constantly and were SO rude to their parents.
I don't believe that your child is anything like them but I think now that they have "ground rules" now and a pep talk before they enter my home and they are much better behaved for it. I also am the only one that tells them off for being naughty in our family and I don't think SIL wants me doing that so she started with it.
By the sounds of your own situation I think after this weekend (I will tell you what happened shortly) I would have acted differently.
First apologise to parent as they are obviously the one that is the most affected by it, kid's really don't give a crap.
Second get down level and ask him what happened, why we don't do that, an apology and applicable situation punishment.
I think that it is not the fact that people are affected by the bad something but by the way it is policed in front of them.
You are right, they wouldn't have wanted to see you grumping at your little man for doing every day things. I think it would have been more important to them to see that you have control and the child compassion.
Example (what happened in the weekend).
We were at a birthday party in the weekend and a 3 year old loaded a plastic drawer over Olivia's head and took a running jump at her. Lucky it was witnessed and my "noooo" which was more than a couple of feet away, was also echo'd by others and importantly someone who was able to grab the little blighter in question an inch before impact. Now his Mum (who I was chatting to at the time), went over to him, got down to his level and in a calm voice proceeded to have the following conversation:
Now what did you do wrong?
I put a drawer on the baby and tried to jump on her.
And why don't we do that?
Because it will hurt and make baby cry.
And what do we say to Olivia?
I am sorry baby *picks up random toy and stuffs it in Olivia's hand*
And what will happen if I see this type of behaviour again?
I will go to time out. *finger in mouth, sad face*
She came back with Olivia and plopped her down and under her breath said "That kids is SO 5 minutes away from TIME OUT!" and I so would not have picked her being pissed off after the calm conversation that had only just happened.
I was pacified by her calm manor towards her son and ability to diffuse the situation with no yelling. Although with a room full of people watching what choice do you have? For all I know she usually whips him with a barbed belt but the important thing I think, is that she had a control and elicited a suitable response from him.
LOL is it sad to say my kid isn't that destructive yet? Olivia lives in a pretty kid proof setting, so when I take her out to say, my Dad's place. She chases after every goddam thing and I have to keep a close eye on her and follow her about the place (not that I mind). My parents know that Olivia isn't old enough to understand that their precious maltese doggy statuette that they have on their fire place, isn't a play thing. But they also expect me to keep a close eye on her as to not destruct their possessions.
I also have a friend who comes over and does this with her little boy, she just makes sure that the kids are playing in the same room. It certainly minimalises hair pulling and bullying (all him LOL).
I think that when Olivia gets to that age where she can understand the little things, then "Our behaviour when visiting others" pep talk is in order. Maybe setting ground rules like:
When we are in other peoples homes we are gentle with their possessions and bodies.
We use our indoor voice inside and our outdoor voice outside.

Well that is my long post, I am probably quite short sighted at this stage as my girl is still young. But something to add to the conversation anyways.

I don't think it was your child being undisciplined at all either my2angels, I think it was the other person over reacting and the pacifying them.
That was why I explained what happened in the weekend, because it does offer a piece of mind to people that are irritated by large quantities of small kids like your friends DH.
LOL 4 kids, I would be calling someone to help!