Adoption, have you thought about it?

Hi all

I have known for a while now that our family does not yet feel complete and my DH is open to the idea of more children.

We have never taken birth control and with my history of infertility were joyously surprised to get our two little fellas in quick succession of each other. Sadly, the littlest turns two in under a month and despite us continuing on with the no birth control theme, we are no closer to welcoming another child. I am also turning 39 this year and I don't want to wish the last of my youth away without doing everything I can to complete our family.

As you know, trying to have children is all consuming and an emotional taxing journey at the best of time. Sometimes I even sneak onto trademe to look at little wee things or open up the boxes where all our baby things are stored to stroke them and remember how good it was to welcome our darlings into our hearts and lives. Such a guilty pleasure but one that really doesn't help fill the space in my heart. Don't get me wrong, our two little superstars are fantastic kids, they mean everything to me, I enjoy and appreciate every day with them. The boys are such a source of joy and wonder in our lives. It isn't just DH and I who feel this too. My brother has just bought the section next door as he and his wife adore our kids. And there isn't a day that goes by when the boys don't spend time with either my Mum or Dad or both. Poppa stops by in the morning on the way to work, Nana comes swimming, shopping, to the library, etc., etc., They just love being grandparents and the kids lives are so enhanced by having so much family love.

I don't want you to think that the two lovely DS's are not enough because they are. I just feel that we have deliberately restructured our lives and home to make the most of being a family that we can further expand the joy that we find there. This has started me thinking about whether our babies even need to be ours biologically or if surrogacy and other means could be the answer to completing our brood.

I'm somewhat scared, my assumed general knowledge of forever care homes, adoption, and such, says this is a very hard road to hoe. Couples wait for years and years on adoption books, or spend fortune on overseas adoptions and still don't get a baby to call theirs. Surrogacy also seems veiled in mystery and assumptions, how do you even start to think about this kind of route.

There are many adopted children in my extended family. Some of these have been great, other's have had challenges with biology and damage down through chemical dependency throughout the pregnancies causing life long issues for the kids. This is a confronting reality in of itself. I know there are no guarantees in life and I even wonder if I should mention I am scared about what unknown biological issues can play like.

I guess I am wondering out loud, sharing a very personal dialogue about stuff going on in my head. What I am asking you is do you any experience with creating a family in a non-traditional way? What does your heart and head tell you when you think about these and similar ideas?

Look forward to your thoughts
HT

Thanks for your reply :-)

The plight of girl children in China is heartbreaking isn't it. I haven't talked with my husband how he would feel adopting from overseas. Considering that adoptions are so rare in New Zealand now except in a whangai way, it makes sense. $10k doesn't seem like heaps of money. Do you know how long it take to complete the process?

Hey HT,
I have thought about adoption but at the moment my DH isn't really open to it. But we are young and it may be something we look into later.
The reason I have thought about it, is that I worked in an orphanage in Hong Kong for a year as a full-time volunteer. I worked with Special Needs children and have always felt this is where I would look if I was to adopt a child. The special needs can be things like downs syndrome, cerebal palsy, blindness, deafness, misdiagnosis as an infant leading to slow development. There is a whole spectrum, some of which will require a lifetime of dependance on you and some which just need a little extra loving.
It breaks my heart when I think of these children who need love and connection to others, not being part of an embracing family.
Anyway it's just another idea to think about. I'm more than happy to answer any questions with what small a
amount of knowledge I have.

We had trouble conceiving DS1. After I had had him, and experienced pregnancy and childbirth, I felt quite strongly that if we had trouble the second time round I wanted to adopt. Forme, international adoption was preferable, because I kind of felt like there was no end of loving homes for kiwi kids up for adoption, but that there were so many needy children overseas who would never have that opportunity. Not to mention that as I understand it, it can be a lot faster than waiting for someone to choose you from the kiwi pool.

As it turned out, that wasn't a path we even needed to go down (which is handy, as DH got cold feet about the idea). But I would have been very keen.

Thanks for your thoughts Hope and Pepi-bebe. One of my old workmates has married the woman of her dreams Pepi. They now have two adopted (permanent placement) babies. Both are lovely children, the eldest is five or so and the baby is now around two. It definitely is possible for gay couples

If we can't conceive, we will look at adoption. At this point I don't think I would want to go through IVF. Not sure if it would be NZ or another country we look at.