Gender disappointment

I have 2 stepsons, and was not wanting my own at all until the last year when I figured out I would regret later it if I did not have 1 of my own. So lo and behold, I am nearly halfway there, next week find out the flavour, but I am really hoping it is a girl. As the weeks have passed I have changed from thinking I will not be happy at all if a boy to thinking now it won't be so bad... but will wait and see what the scan news brings (hopefully Peanut cooperates!) and will go from there. I wanted to find out so if a boy I have time to get myself more excited about it.

Both DF and I were totally convinced we were having a boy. We had the name all sorted and everything. I was always out looking at boys clothes etc....... didn't have the slightest interest in anything girly. Didn't even look into girls names, that's how set on the boy idea we were. Then wer had the scan at 19wks and hey presto.......... a girl! I wouldn't so much say I was disappointed cause I was just happy we had a healthy bubba in there but I did catch me by surprise and it took a while to get used to the idea cause we had talked ourselves into thinking it was a boy. But when it all sunk in that night that I was going to have a daughter, I was over the moon! I've always said I wanted boys cause I'm not a girly girl myself but now we have our wee girl I have changed so much. I'm so looking forward to girly fairy parties and playing barbies with her lol. Next time round, I'd be equally happy, boy or girl.

there is a site called Ingender, they have a whole section on gender disappointment, but you have to join up to see it (and its US based )

Also I understand this is a 'luxury problem' and is nothing compared to not being able to have children or having children who live with severe disabilites or have died. (I know I'd prefer 5 healthy boys and no girl than having to experience losing a child or having a really sick one) Of coarse we should not expect sympathy from people who are living in those situations and I come down to earth whenever I see documentaries on such things and am reminded of how lucky I am. But I forget I am lucky and it is not my life so I forget about such things after a little while. Still that does not mean our pain is not real. If someone loses an arm and another breaks an arm then it does not mean that the one with the broken arm has no right to feel bad about it.

On the other hand I feel like there are some people who have an undesired gender rather than a desired gender and I try not to get mad at people who do not want boys and wonder if they would think something was imperfect about my children just because they are boys. grr. But I don't know their life experiences so have no right to judge. Some Women who have been abused by Men and so forth may have bad perception of boys and some ladies really do seem ignorant and picky but for them to get what they didn't want gives them the blessing of finding out that their child is more than their gender and prefect and can change the way they see a certain gender. But for those like me who long for one and never get it, we miss out.

I know we do not have children for us. It is all about them and raising them to be the best they can be not so we can arrange our life around chosen activites such a soccar or ballet or so we can avoid being the Mother in law. Someones gender does not define them but it is still a huge part of their identity and affects the relationships you have in life and I feel like having no daughter means some pretty special person is missing from my life who I will never get to love. I have my sons and that is special and am lucky but I will still never have a Mother Daughter relationship and that is different even if she decides she would rather live like a 'man' or something like that which I would not care about. I was a tomboy and played with the boys at school and wanted to be one of them but never truely was.


And I would only do gender selection if I could bring myself to donate the embryos. I still do not fully agree with it but I am glad it is an option still and I have seriously concidered it. And I wonder still how those adopted out boy embryos might feel about not being chosen by their own biological parents because they wanted a daughter (still has to be better than being disposed of though) and I would make it open as I am adopted and believe people have the right to know where they are from.

See, I am very noble and even noble people are allowed to care about having a child of a certain gender!

I'd actually be happy to keep having kids until I got the other gender as I love being a Mum but I care about the ones I already have and can not limit our families money and experiences and the quality time I can give each one just so I can get a girl. One more is it for us and how we proceed may be the biggest descission I make in my life and I am bloody scared. I am not scared to have another boy, I'm scared about finally having to accept that I will never EVER have a daughter.
And other peoples dreams are to get a house and their dream job etc, why can't I just have been more lucky huh? Oh well. I still wouldn't change things even if I could.