Becoming Unhinged......

I am now at the point of coming unhinged - had a mental breakdown this morning as i have had a little spotting, relatively minor, the first lot was a watery red, the rest has just been more of a coloured 'discharge' (Sorry TMI). The first was last night and the rest has been a couple of times during the day. Seeing i am not 100% confident on when i ovulated, it could be implantation bleeding, but am not so sure. I have had a few odd symptoms (Have had an ache 'down there' and also a little nausea)but have tried not to tie them to being pregnant, now i don't think they are.

I have gotten to the point of giving up, trying for 30 (i am losing it as i originally wrote 24) cycles and having continual disappointment takes it's toll on a person. I try to stay positive but honestly it is difficult. we have about 6 weeks until our next check up at the specialist and then we'll be going down the Fertility Route - had always hoped that it would be natural and 'easy' to get pregnant.

Well thanks to all of you for listening to my rant - it is becoming a bit of a regular thing....

will try and focus my attention on other things in my life - like the possibility of being promoted at work and planning something nice for me to do in the weekend.

Edited by mellybelly

when will you know for this month? I really feel for you ladies who are having trouble getting pregnant, I know what its like to want a baby, my heart goes out to you all. Feel free to rant and rage anytime you need, we are all here for you.

Hugest, *hugest* hugs melly Please believe me when I say that my heat breaks for you. I truly understand how you're feeling, and what you're going through.

One thing I found post surgery is that things with AF were different - but then, I seem to have taken a long time to heal as well. It's really hard not knowing what to expect.

WHen I went to my post-op follow up appointment, my specialist said that she was sure we'd have no problems getting pregnant, and she expected us to be pregnant in 3 to 6 months max following the surgery. She talked to me about the surgery, showed me my photos, and then booted me out the door just saying "Call me when you're pregnant!". My heart dropped into my stomach this month when I realised that this is the 6th month since the surgery.

Try planning treats for yourself, even little ones every day - and big ones for weekends, or monthly. I've taken to getting regular haircuts at Toni & Guy ...though DH turned 5 shades of white and grey when I told him I thought I might get a colour done there as well (note to self - when choosing an expensive hairdresser, do *not* leave the price list anywhere where DH can find it!) ...so perhaps not. My 'experience the unexperienced' thing developed out of trying to make the most of my time without a baby - sort of an attempt to fill an unfillable gap. I'm not sure that the bikini wax was the most ingenius of ideas for filling the gap - especially when I booked a repeat appointment ...

When it comes down to it, nothing takes away what you're going through, or makes it better - it's just finding ways of coping and getting from day to day. Talking to people who understand is a big thing too - there is a huge difference in the way people treat you. My mum says that she can't understand, or even pretend to understand what it's like for me, and she wishes that things were more 'even' (eg. my SIL at 47 falling accidentally pg, and not looking after the pregnancy ...and me) and my MIL says that she is sure she had endometriosis too as she had painful periods when she was a teenager, and then starts banging on about my SIL and niece. So, you pick who you talk to as well.

One thing my mum did say, which may help you - it helped me a bit - was that you have to forget about the time TTC *before* the surgery. It hurts you to think of the length of time it's taking, and with endo, the chance of a successful pregnancy is small. You have to think of TTC in terms of post-op ...eg. TTC for 6 months, not 21 for me. It's a silly psychological trick, but there's a point where you'll give anything a go!

I'm at the point now where hoping for a baby 'right now' is just a little too much of a joke ...I'm putting my eggs in the basket for this year. Funny how you adjust your thinking, isn't it?

And now, I've just noticed how long this post is ...woops!

Know that we're here for you, to hold you up when you need it, and we're always, always, here to listen. And, did you spot the new message board??

Take care melly!

Edited by ginger

Melly i am so sorry u have hit the brick wall so to speak! I can remember hitting that many times then you get back up only for it to come back full of revenge and beat you up instead.

I remember getting to the end of each month and peeing on the stick and seeing the BFN and just praying and hoping that the surgery was all i needed and that i would just fall pregnant like anyone else. Each month tested not only myself but also my husband. I would be in tears crying wondering if the fact of the USELESS MUTHA*BEEP* of a gynae 5 years before had actually been bothered enough to look into my endo problem would i have had such a rough ride?

Please please please do NOT give up hope there is always going to be hope! Im actually surprised they have let you do 30 cycles without having intervention. I was told 6 months after surgery if i wasnt lucky they were gonna help!

The one thing that will help you get through this is the support of friends that KNOW what your going through. Dont even bother talking to the ones that dont understand coz it only ends in heartache esp when they say "your time will come" or "its obviously meant to be" coz its rude and unfair and you only come home in tears feeling hopeless!

We are totally all here for you and support you through anything and everything you will and have gone through.

BIG BIG BIG hugs to you chicka!!! And feel free to vent your absolutely entitled to it! 30 cycles is a VERY long time to try and be patient!!!

I hope i didnt lose anyone in my babble! hehe