In need of advice..

How old is your daughter LittleMiss?  My little guy is two and I have found that having a routine has been the best way to deal with the single parenting thing.  He knows exactly when he is going to see Daddy and he and I talk about what he is doing 'today' and at the end of the day, what he is doing tomorrow.   He always knows when he is going to see Daddy again and I think that has really helped him.  We've also done the bedtime routine thing - he comes twice a week and gives them dinner and puts them to bed - but I've had it easy - he has done what we have agreed was best for the children regardless of ourselves at this stage.  Will her Dad listen to you when you explain that he is making his daughter upset and confusing her?  It's such a difficult situation for you if he won't.  I don't really know what else to say - it does get easier because regardless of what he does, you will find the best ways to cope with it, and to help her get through it.  I do think that giving Ollie lots of warning around things has been great.  He also has plenty of other significant adults in his life which has also helped.  I give him lots of cuddles when he seems sad and try and reassure him that I am not leaving and that he is special to me.  The other thing we have done is have them talk on the phone every day that he is not seeing them.  Even if Ollie isn't that interested in talking he at least has to say goodnight so he gets that daily contact.

Sorry...a long post.  I really feel for you.  I'm not sure whether any of what we do might help but I hope you work things out.

I don't have anything to offer other than  

That sounds awful and must be so hard on you.

Oh, you poor thing. I dont have any advice either, but you are a lovely mother to be so concerned for your wee girl

It sounds very hard. Sounds like she has a very strong connection with you. I think the first thing is to tell your ex what is happening and once you've received some advice/information, to discuss how you might be able to make this easier on your little girl.

It must be so hard for her to understand, and her world has drastically changed. I agree that consistency and routine will make a big difference - so he's got to come onboard with that. If he doesn't I would suggest that you talk to a professional about it. Loads of single mothers have this problem of inconsistence and unreliability by their ex in terms of when they see their children. It affects your life because you're unable to plan your week and time out...and it affects her life obviously. I have a friend who saw a personal counsellor who helped her to stand up to her ex, set boundaries and she ended up going to mediation.

I have a couple of suggestions in terms of helping your daughter:

1) Do some reading on the subject - google and the library
2) If you're willing to - see a counsellor for yourself as you go through this and/or for your little girl. They have counsellors for children, so it's worth finding out how to do that (they use play therapy or family therapy).
3) There is a course out there called Parenting through Separation - they also have a series of free DVDs that they will post out to you - so google them and see what help you can find. Both parents can go to the course (separately), but it is very informative and helpful when it comes to this kind of thing.

The other thing I would say is to discuss a schedule with your ex, and once you've put it together and it's understood how important sticking to it is, you can then communicate with your 3yo what is happening IN ADVANCE. It's going to take getting used to a new routine and so if you can say to her tomorrow we are (doing this/daddy will pick you up) and then remind her throughout the day. On the days that she doesn't see her dad, maybe you could have a routine that she phones him at a certain time every single day, eg. before her bath (so she has time to relax before going to bed).

The sleep deprivation must be hard but sounds like she needs reassurance from you right now, I'm sure it won't last forever, but the more you can find the consistency and both of you communicating how much you love her... she'll get through this!

All the best.

Edited by nathansmummy

Thank you, for your replies and your suggestions.

You know I thought leaving him would be the hardest thing I ever done, but this is soo much harder.

Iv told him that the only reason I want him to stick to his routine is for her. That it is upsetting her and I want to be able to help keep their relationship alive by talking about daddy and how he is coming over today, I put a photo of him beside her bed on the wall but she cries because he doesnt talk back to her. I added him as a favourite on my cellphone plan so she can ring him the nights she does not see him. Most days he leaves it until the last half hour to tell me he is not coming. I try to sit down and explain things to him but all he sees it as, is me picking on him.

I know he loves her. I just dont know why he wont just move somewhere she can stay!

He has lost his job again, but won't go out and get another one. I don't care that he does not help out financially, I just want him to see her properly. Four hours a week just is not working.

Im sitting here bawling!

She cries in her sleep and calls out for me but she isn't even awake!

LittleMiss, does he have depression?

Maybe until he is ready to stick to a routine you should limit the amount of times he can see her, say to twice a week, then she won't be getting so upset?

Firstly hugs, I cannot imagine how hard it is. My DD is struggling having her Dad away for 5 weeks and I must say when we skype him it does seem to affect negatively her afterwards, so I can see how short visits etc. would have a negative affect.

Secondly have you spoken to a lawyer, I work for a family lawyer and someone in my family is going through somethimg similar to yourself, the lawyer gave me a pack which has a whole lot of pamphlets and also a DVD all about how to deal with children when going through a separation. It might be helpful for your ex to see it as well as you and counselling would definitely be something I would look into as well, for yourself and your daughter.

I really hope things start to improve soon HUGS again!

I know it's not the same thing as Dh and I are together, but this time when he left (3 months away) Jack broke down for some reason. He constantly says he misses daddy etc. I just say to him now 'it's OK to miss daddy, and daddy misses you too, but daddy wants you to be happy and look forward to when you see him again'.

Other than that I have no suggestions but didn't want to read and run

it does get easier.

I split up with DS1's dad when he was 2, we had to go through the court counseling to set up the day-to-day care arrangement. That was good, because you are in the office with someone neutral to both parties working things out, and you come to the arrangements together.

DS1 seemed OK, although he would sleep in my bed at night - he didn't want to be in his own bed, and that was OK with me. He didn't really understand I think for a while - he knew his Dad was not living with us, just didn't know why. He's now 7 soon and he has now just started asking questions about why he had to live with me, not his dad. I guess it doesn't help so much that his dad has moved out of Auckland and he only sees him in the holidays.

I hope your situation improves, all I can tell you is, it does get better, and just keep on loving your daughter the best way you can.