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Flissy 
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 Topic: First Time Mum Anxiety
Posted: 09 August 2010 at 2:47pm |
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This is first time I've put a topic and used this website, but I'm a new mum and know i'm putting way to much pressure on myself and my new baby (1 month). She is currently only going to sleep on the breast but sleeps well once does this most times. Am even having 7 hour night sleeps. However i'm so worried that i'm forming a bad habit but i don't know how to break this or how else to put her to sleep. I also had a c-section and worked in a corporate environment where work was my life and as i'm now stuck at home as can't drive it is even more of a change in lifestyle than i ever believed. All in all i have a healthy baby and should consider myself lucky that she only has an unsettled period from about 3pm until 9pm where she is just wide awake and i feed her off and on the whole time just wishing she would go to sleep. She's not really crying or upset during this time unless she wants more feeding. It makes me anxious that i can't get her to sleep when she should be and that i haven't formed a routine yet. Each time she wakes up my stomach sometimes churns on what I will do next and how she will go back to sleep. I also struggle to take on board other advice. I should be enjoying this time of her life but just keep wanting her to sleep and if she doesn't i get worked up and stressed. I over-analyse what she is doing and am probably treating her like a project at work where I should have answers and solutions to probs, and I can't train my brain to "go with the flow". It also hard when home by self during the day. Any help welcome!
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Delli
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Posted: 09 August 2010 at 3:04pm |
 Sorry about your anxiety! It sounds as if you are doing a great job though 
For what its worth, I fed Jude to sleep until he didn't want to do that anymore and 11 months on he is an awesome day sleeper and sleeps through the night. It never created any problems whatsoever for us. So, I say meh to those who say feeding to sleep is making a rod for your own back 
Please don't worry about not being in a routine yet either. I think I read somewhere that the best time to start in on routines is after 3 months? We didn't start a bedtime routine until close to 5 months and didn't try to follow any daytime routine until Jude was around 8 months....
I had a job that I LOVED and kinda couldn't wait to start back at work (which I did when Jude was 5 months). After a few months being back at work we decided to move to the other end of the country and I've ended up being a SAHM again. TBH - I miss my job like crazy and knowing that I'm not going back this time makes me feel a bit down sometimes. I don't find being a SAHM hard as such, I just like working outside the home. Are you going back to work?
My advice is "Don't worry!"but you already know that and it's easy for me to say
Edited by Delli
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Mum_mum
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Posted: 09 August 2010 at 3:47pm |
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Don't worry about the routine - we didn't have a bed time routine till 4 months and the day time routine came at around 7 months. It takes time to understand your baby and for you both to get in to a rythm - just do what it is that gets you to survive these first few months. They are very challenging, very draining, very groundhog and there isn't really any diffreintation of night from day!
As to feeding to sleep - we still do that a bit here, if it works why break it? The only downside I have found is that at night time no-one else can settle the baby. But I'm not really away from her too much anyway so not too worried.
I know about the anxiety - its tough, but please make sure you have enough support around you, do sleep when you can as not enough sleep can feed anxiety and don't forget to eat! I hit a brick wall at 5-6months but was soooo lucky to have my family there to help me out!
I'm sure you are doing a great job - unfortunatly there really are no straight answers or solutions for problems as what works for one baby won't work for another. You do really just have to go with the flow!
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HoneybunsMa
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Posted: 09 August 2010 at 3:48pm |
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You sound like your doing great keep up the work! Many babies have an unsettled time and it is often at the 4-6pm time. Its completely normal! I did a 3hr routine with DD when she was about 6weeks only because that helped her sleep, she was a crap day sleeper! But in saying that if she wanted to eat before then she ate before then I wasn't going to hold out just because. In the early days I used to put DD to sleep on the couch if I was up and sitting there she would doze while I kept an eye on her and watched TV. Or if I wanted a nap she would sleep in the bed. I never really fed to sleep but that was a decision I made before she was born as I dont have the patience to sit and rock/feed/cuddle etc to sleep everytime and I knew there would be a day when I wanted to go out and wouldn't be there to feed her to sleep. It is totally up to you there are plenty of different readings out there on settling ideas if you want to have a look
Even now at 1 we don't have a "routine" I'm still go with the flow she has bfast when we get up, she has lunch after her nap and morning and afternoon tea in there somewhere and then dinner about 5pm but that varies. She tells me when she is tired by her tired signs and I put her down for her nap.
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Kalimirella
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Posted: 09 August 2010 at 3:56pm |
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Flissy at 1 month babies don't really start sleep association for feeding to sleep until closer to 3 months and by then they actually have defined awake periods so if you want you can start on the easy feed play sleep routine. Which is really go with the flow and usually your baby will have her own sort of routine.
eg at nearly 4 mths my baby wakes at around 7/8am stays up 1 to 2 hours then has a 2 hour nap, she will repeat this most of the day.
Your baby will probably be differnet BUT take heart at 1 month all my baby did was eat and sleep, she woke up to eat and often fell asleep eating right through till 2 or 2 1/2 mths.
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Kiara is 3 and Teagan is 2, now we're expecting our long awaited 3rd! 
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pekay
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Posted: 09 August 2010 at 4:07pm |
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I could have written this post a year ago!! DD (now one) would only ever sleep on my boob during the day. It was very rare that I got her into her bassinette.
The feeding in the evening is so normal! And I too, use to get nervous and anxious at about 4pm as I would worry about what was going to happen that evening. At 7 weeks I introduced a bottle of formula at 6pm...and ever since she has been happily going to bed after a bottle at 6pm ( I am in no way suggesting you should do that, this is just what I did in order to cope).
Dont worry about not having a routine...babies tend to begin their own routine once they are a bit older. For us...it was at about 4-5montsh and we were in a routine, and she created that herself.
BAd habbits- My mother in law told me when DD was 3 or 4 days old that I shouldnt let her sleep on me....I wanted to slap her! There is no such thing as bad habits at that age in my opinion...do as you please! They are babies and my favourate past time of having a NB was having her sleep on me. I would give anything for her to snuggle and sleep in my arms again...all she does is wriggle now. So enjoy, and all the best!
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crafty1
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Posted: 09 August 2010 at 4:35pm |
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ditto all the things above. most babies are unsettled during the evenings, lord only knows why but they get over it about 6-8 weeks. Keep trying but if she won't do it then try putting her in bouncer or frontpack or cuddle up on couch, whatever works.
all bad habits can be undone, do what keeps you sane right now but at the same time try to teach some 'good' habits, but don't freak if it doesn't work.
you can try for some sort of a routine but at this age it should just be the feed, play, sleep routine and maybe 3 hr feeding. but don't get upset if it doesn't work, each baby is different and it is never exactly 3hrs, it's a guide.
Have you heard of the family centres through plunket?
where are you based? they have some good courses on settling babies at parenting place in Auck, or you can get baby whisperer sharlene poole to come to you - check out her littlemiracles.co.nz website.
the hardest thing about parenting is getting your head around the change of your role etc. you have no freedom and this annoying little creature demands all you have and more and gives very little back in return. you have little control over them too!
It does get better (about 3-4 months) and all mums who are honest with you go through this adjustment phase. it is tough!
you are not alone though, do you have a coffee group? or could you go to a plunket playgroup and meet some other mums, or join one of the boards to chat to mums of similar aged babies.
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Lightning McQueen
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Posted: 09 August 2010 at 5:03pm |
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I could have written your post too! When we brought T home from hospital I thought I was getting sick as I was really nauseous and couldn’t stomach food – turned out I was just incredibly anxious and had constant butterflies. I worked in a corporate environment as well, and was used to being in control and knowing what I was doing. I really struggled at first, cried daily and questioned myself constantly, but it does get so much easier. What you’re feeling is completely normal.
I spent a lot of time stressing out cause T wasn’t in a routine, and then stressing out because I was wasting my time being stressed rather than enjoying him. I did follow the feed/play/sleep pattern from the first day we came home though, mainly so I knew what I was doing, and if he cried, I could generally figure out what he wanted. He eventually fell into his own wee routine of up for an hour down for an hour and a half or two. My way of having a bit more predictability was to get him up at the same time every day (7am) and to try to put him down at around the same time every night. That way, even if the day turned to custard, there were two constant anchor points for me.
I started a bedtime routine from the beginning. Nothing fancy, just a bath, a massage (if he was in a good mood), change into his pjs, swaddle, feed and then a lullaby. This worked really well for us and now he knows bath and bedtime, and when you take him in to his room to strip him off for his bath he starts to squeal and wriggle in excitement.
Good luck – I bet you’re doing a great job, and it really does get easier.
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SpecialK
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Posted: 09 August 2010 at 7:26pm |
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Oh Flissy it is so hard to go from full on 'in control' job to a SAHM! It took me months to get used to it, and like you I was treating H like a project and stressed out when things didn't go to plan!
Can't help with the feeding to sleep except to say if it works for you why change it?
In the first few weeks I followed the feed/change/play/sleep pattern, I wrapped H for all sleeps and he slept in his basket or in the buggy.
For night time, like TobysMum we had a routine from early on - bath, massage, PJs and wrap, cuddle then bed. He was also having a formula top up at this stage, and at 9 weeks we started giving him a formula dreamfeed at 10pm.
Good luck! Don't beat yourself up over lack of routine, you will work out a pattern that suits you both. And don't worry about doing what you think you 'should' do - do what feels right and what works for you now.
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Bizzy
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Posted: 09 August 2010 at 7:31pm |
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nothin wrong with feeding to sleep at that age... all sounds very normal to me. try not to be so hard on yourself. You may be alright to start driving now though, check with your midwife. if not maybe get out for a walk ...
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High9
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Posted: 09 August 2010 at 8:06pm |
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Yup agree with Bizzy, exactly how were were going! I stopped feeding her to sleep about 4 months but reason was she was getting too much fore milk, although she was gaining fab weight, about 1kg a month, the fore milk was upsetting her tummy so I had to give her one side a feed and would often do this half way through her 'wake' time during the day.
Babies often have a time between 3-9 or late afternoon/evening where they don't sleep but they just feed, feed, feed. The 7 hour stretch sounds good though! We've only just in the last week got DD going down at 7 (as always) but she's cut her 11.30 feed out and now wakes about 2.30! (yay!)
Try not to be hard on yourself, although easier said than done! We go with the flow here and feed on demand.
Definitely recommend going out for walks even if it's just to the letter box, the dairy, end of the street, round the block...
We've only recently started going further, I don't drive at all so I catch the bus often.
ETA: Like crafty said they do out grow it, Lily was about 8 weeks when she out grew it.
Edited by Lil_Nic9
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Hope
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Posted: 09 August 2010 at 9:54pm |
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Don't worry about routine or feeding to sleep at this stage. I had exactly the same worries as you (no thanks to some stupid books I read). My bub always had to be fed / rocked / walked / driven to sleep and seemed to have no rhyme or reason in his sleeping and feeding for months. He is now such a stickler for routine it can be a bit annoying! He also has no problem falling asleep on his own. I just pop him in his cot and away he goes. If he grizzles I hand him a book and he enjoys having a wee read before going off to sleep!
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KatzWtgn
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Posted: 10 August 2010 at 12:15am |
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I was exactly the same as you! I'm also from a corporate environment, and got very worried that I wasn't "following the rules" with my DS, especially as the antenatal class I attended put major stress on "not forming bad habits".
But when I commented to my sister how worried I was about always feeding DS to sleep, she told me that she always fed both of hers to sleep (she has two daughters who are 5 and 2 1/2) and they are wonderful sleepers now.
One thing that really helped me (because I am a bit of a rules-based person like it sounds you are) was reading about attachment parenting about a month ago -- you might want to google it.
It at least gave me another set of advice for me to try to follow and made me not worry about trying to get him to sleep or the order he was sleeping, feeding, playing, or not having a routine.
So for the last month, my DS and I have just been having a great time enjoying each other -- and what do you know, I've discovered that we now do have a sort of routine after all as to when he sleeps and feeds, but it's one that he's set, that's just sort of happened and everything is so much easier.
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nathansmummy
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Posted: 10 August 2010 at 12:48am |
Motherhood is a huge adjustment. Don't feel anxious about "doing everything right". Those first few months are the hardest because of all the sleep deprivation and to be honest I felt like it was a big shock to my system having a baby and adjusting to a new lifestyle.
A lot of babies cluster feed in the evening - it helps them to sleep through the night, so that's quite normal.
The most important thing right now is that you learn to somehow take care of yourself through this time. Accept help from others, including your DP/DH. Don't think the housework has to get done. Try and sleep during the day when your baby sleeps to catch up. Long hot showers, cups of tea and magazines are life savers - even just having someone care for baby while you nip to the shops on your own or grab a coffee at a local cafe. Sometimes so is restricting visitors except those that offer practical help! It's good for your mental health. Or as others have suggested - going for a walk with baby in the pushchair.
And pop onto Oh Baby when you can to ask questions and receive support  We've all been there!
Edited by nathansmummy
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nathansmummy
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Posted: 10 August 2010 at 12:49am |
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P.S. Sometimes if that Anxiety continues that you're experiencing, you may need to get some help - so talk to your midwife about how you are feeling.
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1st_Time_Preggies
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Posted: 10 August 2010 at 9:10am |
Ditto to ALL the above!!!!!!
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mummyofprinces
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Posted: 10 August 2010 at 9:44am |
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Definately ask your MW if you can drive now... I was given the all clear at 4 weeks, just had to confirm with my insurer they were ok with it.
My theory on newborns is they have just spent 9 months attached to you, never a moment without you and then all of sudden they arrive and we (society) expect them to just know that are now to sleep on their own???? There is an adjustment period for them to get used to this new world and really the first 3 months is like the 4th trimester...
This world is big scary place to someone who has never been here before, it changes for them every day as the grow and develop.
There are also hormones in play here too, Oxytocin is released during feeding and that makes mum and bubs sleepy so its very normal for babies to fall asleep at the breast...
You sound like you are doing a fantastic job to me.
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Flissy
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Posted: 10 August 2010 at 11:00am |
Thank you all so much for your support and advice. It is quite amazing how many of you were in the same boat. When I'm feeling down and need that reassurance I will definately come back to this post for help. It is so good to know that there is light at the end of the tunnel, I just need to keep telling myself this. She is such a good little girl sleeping 9 hours last night (after being awake for 5 hours in the arvo/early evening - but hey, I've gotta look at the positive things. I will definately try to put less pressure on myself re feeding her to sleep, as it didn't actually work last night for the first time, she just kept feeding and feeding but waking herself up. Finally my husband took over holding her and after much rocking she drifted off to a 9 hour sleep.  I've discussed my concerns with midwife and she is keeping an eye on me and being supportive as well so I'm sure I will get there in the end. Thank you all so much again. Will let you know how I get on!
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Vanillabean
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Posted: 10 August 2010 at 11:29am |
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Hi Flissy
I really feel for you. I think so many new mum's feel like this. It really is something that pushes your physical and emotional limits like nothing else I've ever experienced - especially in those first six weeks.
After the first week, my baby would not sleep in the daytime unless he was being held by someone (and sometimes not even then). I felt really stressed that I should teach him to sleep in his bassinet so that I could do other things like nap, shower or cook dinner. Looking back I think the best thing would have been to go with it and try to get extra help from other people so those other essential tasks would still get done.
The thing is (which I didn't really appreciate at the time) newborn babies change pretty quickly. We started swaddling him and playing him white noise during day sleeps at around six weeks and he started sleeping in his bassinet during the day (sometimes). At first he would wake up every ten minutes but now (at four months) he will often go to sleep for a couple of hours at a time and I have plenty of time to get things done.
I too really struggled with the change from working and also, looking back, definitely had some post natal depression. What helped for me was to join some different new mothers groups and courses so that I could get out and talk to adults for part of almost every day.
Good luck - remember you are in one of the most difficult stages right now.
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High9
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Posted: 10 August 2010 at 12:20pm |
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See if you can google 4th trimester, I recently watched a dvd on the so called '4th trimester' and it had some amazing tips with dealing with your baby during the first 3 months, done by this american guy but sorry I can't remember the exact title or his name!!
ETA: Happiest baby on the block! Sorry just came to me!
Edited by Lil_Nic9
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First Time Mum Anxiety
Angel baby - May 2008
