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newmum 
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 Topic: What Do We Do When....
Posted: 05 August 2006 at 12:04pm |
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Neither hubby or myself aren't sure about having kids?
Neither one of us is really into the idea and to make it all even harder, we don't have a lot of exposure to kids at all. Every now and then when we see a baby we feel a very slight urge but it really doesn't linger around for long. Our dilemma is that I'm 31 this year so my clock is ticking away, and although we could probably be quite happy without kids we don't want to regret it later.
Upsides - family occasions, the good stuff like smiles and cuddles and laughs, birthdays and christmas, proud moments, doing fun things with them.
Downsides - Stress, financial worry, being committed to them for a lifetime and not being able to change your mind if you don't like it, major lifestyle change, sick and grumpy children, teenagers that hate you, bringing them into a world that isn't exactly looking its best.
Has anyone on here been in the same situation before they decided to go ahead and have kids?
Would really be interested in hearing your thoughts on this...
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HercGirl
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Posted: 05 August 2006 at 12:08pm |
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Wierd - I just registered and my post above has come up with someone else's details - let's try again with my new handle...
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jack_&_charli
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Posted: 05 August 2006 at 12:28pm |
i was wondering what was up with that?? thinking....hmmm but ana you already have a son  
i don't really know what to tell you. i'd love to say...go ahead, have kids, you'll change your tune when bubs is born...but what if you don't?? no one can tell you what to do, only the 2 of you will know if it's right or not. all the downsides you mentioned are very true, but the upsides so outweigh them!!
good luck with whatever you and hubby decide in the future...
oh and welcome to oh baby 
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yalanna
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Posted: 05 August 2006 at 1:03pm |
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I am sort of going through the same dilemma. I am turning 34 this year and we got married early this year and just getting ourselves sorted financially. My body clock is starting to say hurry up but physically I dont feel any different to when I was 25.
We both want kids, and are going to start trying but wow what a commitment. Just spent a week with my sister who has a four month old and it opened my eyes up to how much work is involved. But she wouldnt change anything even if she could. Watching her with her baby is fantastic, she is a whole different person (an improvement, I must add!)
I agree with Jacks mum, only you will know. Dont let your body clock decide for you. There is still time yet!
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lizzle
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Posted: 05 August 2006 at 1:09pm |
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when i got pregnant with BOTH my kids, I felt like it was the end of my life. I was really worried about what to do, financially, etc. Now can't imagine my life without them. Any changes that we did make, are nothing. I mean we rarely go out anymore - but going out and getting drunk isn't who I am anymore either. I have never regretted it, not on the hardest day.
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Rachael21
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Posted: 05 August 2006 at 1:10pm |
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Also people are having their first kids at like 45 you have plenty of time
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my2angels
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Posted: 05 August 2006 at 1:14pm |
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I was never really sure I wanted children then it was basically, woke up one day and wanted to start trying and all of a sudden it became the most important thing in the world. I dont think you would regret having them because the minute they are here its amazing how much you love them and cant imagine living without them but I worried I would regret not having them.
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fattartsrock
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Posted: 05 August 2006 at 2:18pm |
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I didn't want kids, and my DH, who is 12 years older than me, and has a teeneger already didn't either. Basically, I enjoyed my selfish lifestyle, and have also suffered with depression my whole life, and I really didn't know how it would affect me.
The hardest thing is when people tell you "oh you will change your mind etc" when you tell them you don't want children. To be very blunt, I actually don't like children, either (apart from mine) I find other peoples children annoying and I get very impatient with them. It irritates me when people let their children rule their lives, and can't even hold a conversation with you, becasue their toddler is demanding attention again. So far, Jacob fits in with us, not the other way around. The adults are in charge here!
That all said, Rod changed his mind, I hadn't really, but was giving it some consideration when I got pregnant accidently, and now, I wouldn't change a thing. In fact, I have even gone back for seconds. dosen't change the way I feel about most other kids, though. I still wouldn't call myself the "mother type", although i am a lot less selfish now! My advice is think long and hard, because it is forever, and you can't give them back. There is absolutely nothing wrong with remaining childless, I think it is very brave! Ther are lots of difficult times, but, honestly, when my son smiles at me, and asks for a cuddle, that all just melts away. I can't imagine life without him.
Hope I haven't offended anyone! Sorry if I have!
Edited by jacobsmama
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The Honest Un PC Parent of 2, usually stuck in the naughty corner! :P
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fattartsrock
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Posted: 05 August 2006 at 2:20pm |
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Oh yeah, I have been told that having JJ has softened me and changed me for the better. Don't know if I should be offended???
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The Honest Un PC Parent of 2, usually stuck in the naughty corner! :P
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nikkitheknitter
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Posted: 05 August 2006 at 2:27pm |
haha Annie... I think you put that all very well!
Unfortunately I am one of those people you can't hold a damn conversation with. I hate it! But anyway, agree with everything you said whole heartedly
Edited by nikkiwhyte
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fattartsrock
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Posted: 05 August 2006 at 2:30pm |
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yeah, although it might sound high horsey since my toddler is only 14 months old..... He does amuse himself very well, though, and isn't constantly in my face...YET.
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The Honest Un PC Parent of 2, usually stuck in the naughty corner! :P
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fattartsrock
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Posted: 05 August 2006 at 2:54pm |
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something else I really wanted to add (gosh, I do feel so passionately about this subject!) The "Right Man" was the reason I considered changing my mind, the reason why I chose to continue the pregancy (he would have supported me totally if I hadn't wanted to keep the baby)and the reason why I am having another. I saw what a wondeful and supportive father he is to his teenage son. He is a real "hands on dad" and I know, if the "fairy tale" explodes, everything will be ok with the kids. I know I won't be raising them on my own. It helped to know that he wasn't just "a donor" and he is as committed to being a good parent as I am.
Hmmmm lecture over now, i think..
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The Honest Un PC Parent of 2, usually stuck in the naughty corner! :P
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linda
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Posted: 05 August 2006 at 4:34pm |
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I'd have to agree - by DH was 100% committed to having children and we share everthing involving the children, house etc. We both work so it has to be 50/50 (mind you I refuse to let him do the washing because he mixes colours with whites and I hate that!!). I first got pregnant at 35 and had my 2nd when I was 39. I still don't consider myself to old for another but DH is happy with two and so am I.
Maybe wait a couple more years....there is no rush!
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Sarah Beth
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Posted: 05 August 2006 at 4:43pm |
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"Also people are having their first kids at like 45 you have plenty of time"
Not to pressure you, however this isn't always possible, there are many people that have delayed having children only to discover it is now too late. My sister in law is one very such case, she has one beautiful girl and is really struggling to fall pregnant for a second time, and she is only 40. She has discovered she only ovulated once in the last year, and even after fertility drugs only produced 1 egg. It is up to you, however don't count on waiting till you are 45 and just expecting to fall pregnant as it is not always possible.
If you are unsure, I would discuss this with your husband and you may find that you don't actually want children, this was the case for a very good friend of mine, she always thought she would, but discovered that the only reason for that was because everyone expected her to.
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HercGirl
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Posted: 05 August 2006 at 5:23pm |
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Thanks for all your replies on this subject....
I have been told by an endless number of people that "it's different when it's your own" and that people never regret having kids, but now and then when we decide to go to dinner on the spur of the moment, or the movies, or anything that is spontaneous we are reminded that we could not do those things with children. Well, we could do them, but not without planning them out beforehand.
Hubby is also in the military so is away a lot and we have no family where we are currently living. I worry about the lack of support I would have. I have friends but they all have their own children so it's not like they could come and stay a few days if I was having a rough time.
And we do talk about it heaps - until the cows come home, but we can never come to any definitive decision. I think the best idea we've had was on hubby's part, playing "russian roulette" - if it happens then it's meant to be, if it doesn't happen then we'll take that as an omen....
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nikkitheknitter
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Posted: 06 August 2006 at 8:03am |
haha People do definitely regret having kids. Daily. 
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my2angels
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Posted: 06 August 2006 at 8:45am |
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Yeah its differnt when its your own but if you dont have any kids you wont really be able to understand how that can be. As for spontaneously going out, in the end that doesnt really matter, its not a biggy. Ok sometimes I think man I wish we could just go away for the night or go to the movies without having to arrange babysitters etc but after seeing both sides of the coin (with and without children) I can honestly say I would not trade my children for anything and having children also makes me value the time alone I do have with hubby.
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newmum
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Posted: 06 August 2006 at 10:14am |
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YOWSERS!!! I got a fright, hehehehehe, I thought "I don't remember posting that" hehehehe
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Paws
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Posted: 06 August 2006 at 2:16pm |
To be honest I think if you are considering having children, whether you are really trying to fall pregnant or playing "russian roulette", you need to be sure that this is what you want. I hope you won't be offended if I say that I would not play russian roulette if you are not sure you are both happy with the possible outcome.
There is nothing wrong with remaining childless, I think the most important thing is deciding what is more important to you, it may be that having a life of your own with no dependents and the freedom that comes with that is more important....and there is nothing wrong with that at all! 
With that said, if you thinking of having children at some point, I would also have to say that Sarah Beth does have a point, while mothers are having children later and later, you do need to consider the increased risks on the baby, possible increased need for fertility treatment and possibility of just leaving it too late. Right now however you do still have time up your sleeve so that is a good thing, it gives you time to think some more.
Finally I would also add that I honestly think there is never a right time for kids, unless you win lotto or are a CEO of a big company, there will always be worry about money, coping, will you be a good mother, will your kids hate you? I know I've worried about all that. I think it's just a case of not confusing fears with a genuine desire to remain child free.
Good luck with your decision! 
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james
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Posted: 06 August 2006 at 4:51pm |
i was not in the best of places in my life to bring a child into this world i was and still am single and working living at home (inbetween flats) when i found out i was pregent it was and still can be now the most hardest and rewarding thing i have ever done in my life but my son is never regetted (although sometimes i would happly sell him) and allways loved think long and hard because as the outhers have said its a lifetime comment and you cant change your mind afterward
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What Do We Do When....
