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MissCandice 
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 Topic: Is my job not as hard?
Posted: 26 August 2007 at 5:48pm |
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Ok i dont know if im over exaggerating but i feel as though my DF thinks my job is easy and that it doesnt compare to his.. Considering im looking after Kylah 24 hours a day.. He says things like "oh well, at leat you get to sleep during the day" which is not always the case because she doesnt alwas go down easy and i end up exhausted because im doing this all night and sometimes she will be awake for 2 hours because she gets bad hiccups and wont sleep till they stop. He had me in tears this morning because last night at about 9pm she was up and i asked him to change her nappy so i could fill her hot water bottle to warm her bed, she was hungry so i decided to feed her first and he rolled over and went to sleep.. I said something to him this morning and he has a spaz at me.. My mum was gunna look after her for a couple hours so we could go see a movie, and he said not to bother hes going to work fior the whole day.. I feel like he thinks my job isnt as hard as his, i mean he comes home from work to a cooked meal and clean and fed baby and he gets on the playstation.. I mean the first week he was excellent and dont get me wrong i love him to peices but how do i tell him its hard for me too.. that im tired.. I tried doing it the nice way but he just starts getting smart..
Last night i tried to wake him up after Kylah had been up for over 2 hours and i just needed some space for a moment as its so overwhelming and i was just crying because i didnt know how to mak her hiccups go away, she was crying and i woke him up and he packed a mood straight away.. after i came back he starts on bout how cute she is with her eyes open rolls over and goes back to sleep.. No, are you ok? Nothing.
Am i going over the top or is there something wrong?
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~ Mummy to a beautiful girl ~
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busymum
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Posted: 26 August 2007 at 7:28pm |
Unfortunately I think you speak for heaps of new mums.  It seems to be really hard for guys to understand this one. Sorry no advice, I think I just kept breaking down until he got the message - oops! 
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hailstones
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Posted: 26 August 2007 at 7:38pm |
 Huge hugs Chick!! I agree with Busymum - unfortunatley ALOT (not all but lots) of guys don't get it.
I went along the same lines as Busymum as well! Its hard not to get all emotional, and I think in the end I blew up and told him I needed some help from him! (ok maybe I didn't tell him so much as yelled at him).
Hope things get better for you!!! I found the first few weeks really hard - but it DOES get heaps better!
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Bizzy
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Posted: 26 August 2007 at 7:39pm |
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they dont understand...
but basically you need to let the housework go for a while. YOU CAN NOT DO IT ALL in the beginning and some things have to wait. like vacuuming or flash dinners and sometimes the dishes. so what he thinks you do and sleep when she sleeps.
Men dont seem to know how to help with babies so maybe instead get him to help with dishes and cleaning instead and let him sleep cause its just not worth it to have cranky men, who needs another baby !!!!
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kebakat
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Posted: 26 August 2007 at 7:58pm |
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Just a note on the hiccups - have you tried giving her gripe water?? Daniel gets hiccups that really piss him off, we always give him gripe water and theres only been 1 or 2 times where it hasn't stopped them.
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mum2paris
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Posted: 26 August 2007 at 8:09pm |
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I agree with the other ladies unfortunately, it took a long while for mike to understand where i was coming from.
One thing we instiuted was the taking turns at sleep-ins one day each on the weekend, even when i was feeding her, he would get her up, i'd feed her and he would take her after that and do everything one day a weekend until i got up.. usually just before her next feed was due.. so long enough for him to have probs with getting her to settle etc. It gave both of us 1 guaranteed day of sleep-in, cut down the nagging and made mike realise it wasn't all roses. I went on placements so he was left with the girls alot on his own anyway, but even just doing a few hours away on your own would be good. Guys don't get subtle hints, you need to tell him, tell him you need help, and if he gets smart tell him at least you are asking him and not bottling it all up till it goes Ka-boom! Parenting is a 2 parent-job, you didn't get preggers all by yourself and nor should you have to feel like you're doing it alone cos he doesn't get it. not fair at all!
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Maya
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Posted: 26 August 2007 at 9:44pm |
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Willie never really appreciated how much I do at home all day till he had a week off work on ACC and realised what a day with the kids is really like, topped off with broken sleep.
Big hugs, it does get easier, and the longer bubs sleeps, the better you'll feel. Sleep deprivation is a killer.
You could always put the baby monitor next to your DH and turn it up on full so when Kylah wakes he gets it in stereophonic sound right in his ear. That might give him the message.
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Katherine
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Posted: 26 August 2007 at 11:09pm |
My DH did this too, and one better -- when my mother came to visit two weeks after Emma Rose's birth, he locked himself in his den for three days and didn't come out. Looking back, I now know that he was exhausted, confused and totally unprepared for the amount of hard work having a newborn would entail, but at the time, I wanted to murder him. (So did my mom, by the way.)
I think guys truly don't realise how much work babies are, and once the novelty wears off, they distance themselves from it all. I don't think we women help this cause any, as we seem to be genetically (or socially) programmed to feel like we have to hold it all together, take care of everyone, keep the house running perfectly, and entertain all the unexpected visitors with a smile on our face, fresh home baking and coffee on offer, and not a hair out of place. Reality is very different, though!
I think that the first thing to do is lower your expectations of yourself. This isn't as cruel as it sounds -- what I mean is, if he's not helping out, then YOU can't do everything, and you should stop trying to. Give up the housework, laundry, dishes, entertaining, and just exist and take care of yourself and your baby as much as you can. There's no sooner recipe for an exhausted mummy than trying to do everything with no help. If DH starts commenting on the lack of clean house, clothes, toilet, whatever, you can look at him blankly and say, "I'm taking care of the baby 24/7. I don't have time for any of those chores. I wish I did, but I can't do two jobs at once!"
The second thing I would do is to sweetly ask DH if he can please look after the baby from 5-6pm tomorrow night, or whenever it works for you. Then bring the baby to him at the appointed time and leave. Go to the grocery store, soak in the tub, take a walk, whatever -- just get him to hang out with the baby, one on one. If he won't accept an "appointment" with his baby, then pick a night when he's PlayStationing and just hand the baby to him, along with a well-rehearsed excuse for something you simply must do. My favourite excuse? "I've got to run to the store as I'm out of breast pads/sanitary napkins." (He can't argue with that!) If you need to physically leave the house to get him to spend alone time with the baby, then do it.
I love mum2paris' suggestion of implementing a sleep-in swap, although I have to admit that it would never work in our house, because DH is very stubborn and would always find an excuse NOT to get up. That was where leaving the housework undone worked for us. We're both slobs but DH is less of a slob than I am, so two weeks of dirty dishes in the sink finally drove him over the edge and got him to help out. So even if I never got to sleep in, at least he was doing SOMETHING.
Above all, be firm. Of course you love your man, but it's time for him to grow up. He might not yet realise that he actually does need to help you, or he might understand but thinks he can get away with slacking. Looking after a newborn is a demanding job and you need to care for yourself in order to care for your little one.
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Kellz
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Posted: 27 August 2007 at 8:25am |
I have found that I have to actually spell out exactly what I need him to do. Leaving stuff around the house not done, meant he came home from work, then dissapeared to the laundry for the next hour catching up on the washing for me. He thought he was helping, but what I really needed was for him to spend time with me and Isla. Just taking her so I could have a breather, and some adult conversation.
I would love to take turns getting up in the weekend, but DH refuses, so we both get up. At least he doesnt just stay in bed I suppose!
You do not have to do everything. Just take care of Kylah and make sure you take care of yourself. You need breaks, when she sleeps if you dont want to sleep take time-out for youself, sit down with a cuppa, jump on here, read a book. You dont have to rush around like a maniac, its not good for you or your family. Kylah needs a rested happy Mummy!
I wish I had taking my own advise, I guess this is advise from my mistakes 
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MissCandice
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Posted: 27 August 2007 at 9:01am |
Thanks guys.. i think im going to take this advice.. So no housework for mummy today.. and shes going to take something out the freezer for dinner but not cook it.. he will get hungry!
im only gunna wash kylahs clothes, my mum done all mine yesterday  Its just hard seeing everything that needs done and to not do it lol.. i might have a nap this morning and take kylah for a walk this arvo if the weather picks up..
its hard because he expects the house clean and dinner everynight because im home all day and only have a baby to look after.. he complains he has to work.. i told him he can be a stay at home daddy and il go to work.. but no he didnt like that one lol
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lizzle
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Posted: 27 August 2007 at 9:17am |
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when Jake was born we were living in japan, but i came back to NZ to have the baby. anyway, after 6 weeks, we went back to join my hubby. I was off work for the first three months and then went back to work. Hubby could only work part-time (visa laws) so he looked after Jake in the mornings and then took him to daycare when he went to work. Anyeway, about two weeks after this arrangement hubby said to me "I am so sorry", suspiciously I said "for what" he said "when you were off work with jake and I would come home - the place would bea mess, no dinner cooked, i wouldn't say anything but I would be really annoyed cause I figureed you had been at home all day - why couldn't you get all this done? now I've been home looking after Jake - i get it. i really really get it"
In my experience, the only thing that will get your hubby to realise that looking after a baby doesn't iunvolve biscuits and oprah (all the time!) is by having to look after her himself. go out for the day - leave hubby with baby (call it "bonding time") and leave him to it. I guarantee he will click that beinga stay at home mum isn't as easy as it sounds.
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becsscolly
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Posted: 27 August 2007 at 9:33am |
Hey Girls.
I'm really enjoying reading this thread... I have a really supportive Husband and I'm pretty sure he understands the changes that will happen come November. I keep wanting to plan trips away (the fam is it two different cities) and he's going, lets just wait and see.  maybe he gets it more than I do!
All the best for those that are struggling. I think the theory's like doing what you can but not stressing about what doesn't get done (housework dinner etc), letting him know how hard you are finding it and letting him have a day or two of bonding sound like fab ideas.
Keep your heads up and get that sleep whenever you can  Becs.
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.Mel
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Posted: 27 August 2007 at 9:42am |
I agree - I think he needs to spend some time with Kylah, I get the impression he thinks that life can continue like it was pre-baby, and he seems to have the "she'll be right" attitude to whats going on around him.
I love Katherines idea about giving him baby, and you making an excuse to go out. It will give you some time out, and he will hopefully get to see that this new baby gig isn't as easy as he seems to think it is.
A strike is definitely in order, the housework and his washing can wait maybe he could do his own..as for dinner, can he cook? Maybe you could cook alternate nights (we do it in our house and it works).. we also have sleep in turns over the weekend, Dh gets Saturdays and I have Sundays... I normally give up and get up at about 9 - but the kids have been fed and watered, and sometimes the washing has even been started!
Get strong with him, tell him he has to help you more, and if he doesn't you will sell the playstation
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caliandjack
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Posted: 27 August 2007 at 10:26am |
 LilAngel4Me wrote:
its hard because he expects the house clean and dinner everynight because im home all day and only have a baby to look after.. he complains he has to work.. i told him he can be a stay at home daddy and il go to work.. but no he didnt like that one lol |
Looking after a baby is work!! Just cause you are at home and not 'going off to work' doesn't mean you aren't.
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MissCandice
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Posted: 27 August 2007 at 10:28am |
Haha its my playstation! My mum bought it for me when i was preggaz.. bout 12 weeks i think.. and iv never played it! The controller has been super glued to his hand!
We cant do the sleeping in thing on the weekends cos DF works saturays and if he feels up to it sunday till 12.. but if not then we both sleep in on sunday, i feed kylah and put her back down and we can normally sleep in till 10..
He can cook, hes a good cook.. Especially nachos, he makes real good nachos.. and the night after we came home with bub he cooked a good roast with me instructig him on what to do from the bedroom.
He seems to think that because he gets up and goes to work for 8 hours that he doesnt have to do anything else because im the one thats home..
I cant believe the change tho because the first week i couldnt have asked for more.. he was bringing me breakfast in bed and doing ALL the housework and cooking.. i dont expect this now, but maybe bring in the washing when he gets home and put it away would be a start.. and maybe yeah do tea every 2nd night..
But at the moment when he gets home he sits down and has a coffee which is fine, i normally have one ready for him, but then he pisses round.. i ask if he can take kylah while i get a few me things done, but he uses the excuse he needs to have a shower but it takes him another 2 hours to get in it!! GRRR 
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MissCandice
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Posted: 27 August 2007 at 10:29am |
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Thats exactly my point fleury,he doesnt understand that just because im not 'leaving' for work that i dont have anything to do.. he thinks its so easy.. id love to see him handle 1 day!
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Andie
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Posted: 28 August 2007 at 11:32am |
to you, chickie... you've got a newborn and that's plenty enough work in itself, let alone trying to get your partner sorted!! I don't think the guys get it - they just don't. Even to this day my husband thinks that my job is easier, even if he has Ella to himself for a half day (very, very rare occurance that is) and afterwards he says he'd go insane if he were a stay-home-dad and he's glad he's the one who goes out to work... that's all forgotten after a long day at work, and it's back to him really truely at the heart of it all believing that being a SAHM is an eaiser job.
One thing I occasionally do that helps is - save some of your jobs around the house for when he's home, and do some guilt-free resting - a nap (I never could during the day but some people can!), a coffee and a magazine, geeking on here for a bit, watch something on TV... have some time to yourself while baby naps and no-one else is around. Because I found that when I tried to get my break for the day after hubby had come home, it kinda looked to him like that's what I'd been doing all day! Whereas they can see the work we do if we're rushing about doing it while they're home!
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Andie
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meow
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Posted: 28 August 2007 at 11:59am |
As someone else said, write him a list. Guys just don't get it.. my DP was the same when Ella was young, he was amazing the first few weeks but got snowed under with work after that, so one night after having a screaming baby for 4 hours I just snapped.. handed the baby to him and went and hid in our room.
I think one thing is that as a mother, you get so much time to bond with the baby, it is hard for dads to bond with their children straight away, esp as all newborns do is sleep, eat, cry. It took quite a while, until Ella was able to respond to DP, that he was able to start bonding with her properly. You might find this too.. when she started cooing and then crawling etc.. he was more helpful with her and loved being around her.. and now she's 3 he's amazing with her!!
As for the housework.. bah!  sometimes he'll go on cleaning sprees, but otherwise, it's my domain.. Sometimes I'll bug him, but otherwise I usually end up doing most of it.
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meow
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Posted: 28 August 2007 at 12:02pm |
Also, not sure how old you guys are, but I'm guessing young-ish? As DP and I were.. 20 and 23 when we had Ella. DP was wayy immature as I think most guys are.. it has taken a few years for him to grow up, but we're getting there
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meow
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Posted: 28 August 2007 at 12:04pm |
Oh and one more thing.. you're probably going through the "baby blues" right now too, when all your preggie hormones disappear.. it takes a while.. I remember phoning my midwife in tears because I just couldn't cope. Hang in there! It will get easier soon
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Is my job not as hard?
