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KitKat 
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Joined: 22 August 2008
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 Topic: Confidence and Bonding
Posted: 21 June 2009 at 12:03pm |
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So I thought Id put it out there to see if others have experienced this and have any tips.....
How can I increase my confidence as a mother, and will my lack of it so far affect my bonding with the wee man?
I struggled with the fact I cant BF- all the associated guilt, pressures, lack of support etc etc... Perhaps this was a major factor in feeling so unconfident about everything else? Plus I seemed to spend the first 3 weeks crying constantly.
I find myself asking DP all the time- 'is this right?' "Shall I do this?" "Why does he cry with me and not you?" etc
I end up feeling like Im a usless mum, and worse still, that my son wont love and respect me... I find Im almost scared of him waking up. Also a major reason why Im scared of going anywhere with him.
Jeez I can snowball things! Sorry I sound a bit pathetic.
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FreeSpirit
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Joined: 23 November 2008
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Posted: 21 June 2009 at 12:23pm |
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If it makes you feel more "normal", I spent the first 3 MONTHS feeling like my daughter didn't like me. I had real trouble bonding. Even though I successfully breastfed, I felt like that was all she wanted me for, like she loved her daddy and I was just the milk truck, and like I wasn't a "good" mum because I wasn't sure of myself.
It gets better, trust me! Now we're a bit older, I have the loveliest, warmest bond with my daughter. I adore her, and she thinks I'm the funniest person out!
It takes a bit but you will be able to recognise soon that bubs doesn't cry on Dad because of DP not being stressed. Your DS uses crying as communication and it is YOU that he wants to communicate with more than anyone else in the world.
Let DP look after your son for an hour or so each evening so you can have a nap, being sleep deprived makes anybody most unconfidant in thier abilities. And after a break, it's easier to cope! Try to do one thing a day that is "easy". Read your son a book when he's in a good mood. Go for a walk in the sun together (lots of warm clothes on!). Just take each day as it comes, and enjoy every nice moment you have.
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myfullhouse
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Joined: 29 July 2007
Location: West Auckland
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Posted: 21 June 2009 at 1:22pm |
Firstly 
To a smaller degree I felt like you do for about a year or so but didn't really recognise it or acknowledge it so I didn't get better. I think it is great that you have acknowledged how you are feeling.
I think Flutterby has given some great advise. I would also suggest talking to someone about how you feel and seeing if you can get some help that will in turn boost your spirits and confidence. This may be a friend or family member or maybe Plunket, your GP etc.
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Chickoin
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Joined: 29 October 2007
Location: Perth
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Posted: 21 June 2009 at 1:29pm |
*HUGE HUGS* Don't worry, you are soooo normal chick. I thought I was a terrible mummy for the first 6 weeks. Lucky for me it all got magically better right on the 6 week mark.
What made a huge difference for me (apart from my LOVELY 'due Oct' group) was when Jody started looking at me, and smiling.
I found it very hard to bond at a baby who didn't make eye contact so once that happened it helped the bond and then I felt a bit more confident.
Also, what Flutterby said, crying is DS's only form of communicating with you, even though it's a tedious sound, lol, he is communicating none the less 
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kakapo
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Joined: 04 July 2008
Location: Hokitika
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Posted: 21 June 2009 at 2:36pm |
KitKat, becoming a Mum is a huge shock to the system eh? The advice above is great, and what you're feeling is definitely normal.
I really had no idea what being a Mum to a newborn would be like until bubs arrived. Just when I thought I had things sussed DS would change his routine (yet again) and I'd start second guessing myself once more. I desparately wanted to breastfeed, and tried unsuccessfully for 12 weeks before giving up completely. DS was bottle fed from day 4 (had some EBM until 12 weeks, but mainly formula). The whole breastfeeding saga had a huge impact on my bonding experience with DS - I can totally sympathise with the feelings of pressure/guilt etc - please don't beat yourself up though, it's not worth it - trust me! I found reading this thread helpful.
Our bonding experience started badly ... during skin-to-skin time I felt completely stunned and exhasted from the birth and all I wanted to do was go to sleep - DS wasn't the slightest bit interested in latching. There were no overwhelming feelings of love, just a feeling of detachment really. The first week in hospital was even more exhausting and stressful (trying, unsuccessfully, to latch him). And from weeks 2-6 I hardly ever got to feed DS myself - I'd be expressing what little milk I did produce instead, while DH fed him his bottle. I think our bonding began once the last of our visitors left - a day when DH was at work and DS gave me his first real smile. My heart melted and our bond has grown exponentially since that moment. It sounds really stupid, but it felt like "wow - he actually likes me!" and those other negative feelings whirling around in my head just seemed to fade away after that.
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CarrieMum
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Location: Hamilton
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Posted: 21 June 2009 at 3:01pm |
Kitkat - I feel almost exactly the same way. Its been so tough with the breastfeeding issues and all the pain I was in I think may have affected my bonding with Daniel. I sometimes feel like Im really only fully bonding with him now?
Maybe my emerg c-section and the fact that I didn't see Daniel for quite a while after he was born due to medical issues also contributed to this???
Im only just starting to get to know Daniel as such. His cues and the different cries etc and his general routine. Getting to know those is giving me more confidence. It takes time.
With any other new job you wouldn't be fully confident at this early point so why do feel like we should know it all at this early stage with this new experience?
As for going out and about. At the end of the day all he's really going to need is either feeding, changing or cuddling so you can manage any of those Im sure. I just forced myself out as I get cabin fever big time. Going out and surviving gives me more confidence.
My DH is very good with the baby too and he sometimes settles him down when Daniel seems to just cry when I've got him. DH had to look after Daniel alone while I was in hospital around week 2 so I think that gave him the extra confidence. I still often ask DH what he thinks I should do just to get his opinion. Its a good thing to be a team, don't feel bad about that.
Hang in there and know you're not the only one with these feelings.
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KitKat
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Joined: 22 August 2008
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Posted: 21 June 2009 at 5:17pm |
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Thanks so much guys...
Wow- its so easy to feel like youre one of the few... but its so nice to know there are others who have had similar.
Great advise..
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Maya
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Posted: 21 June 2009 at 7:33pm |
I think it's so important to acknowledge too that not only is it normal to feel like we don't know what we're doing half the time, and to worry about bonding, it's also OKAY to feel that way.
I had major bonding and attachment issues with the gremlins, I won't bore you with the details (but can totally relate to the breastfeeding issues! ) but I pretty much felt like I was observing someone else's life for the first 12 months of their lives.
I know what it's like to look at your baby and instantly fall in love, I had that with Maya and lil miss, but I also know what it's like to fall in love with your baby over time as you get to know each other, and that is perfectly okay. The important thing is that you let the relationship take it's natural course, however long that may take.
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 Maya Grace (28/02/03)
 (02/01/06)
The Gremlins:Sienna Marie & Mercedes Kailah (14/10/06)
Lil miss:Chiara Louise Chloe (09/07/08)
Her ladyship:Rosalia Sophie Anais (18/06/12)
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whitewave
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Location: Raetihi
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Posted: 21 June 2009 at 9:51pm |
Hey chicky, big hugs
Its so normal - don't forget those awful hormones are still playing havoc with your system! Being a mother is the hardest job in the world, I reckon, and there is no way we can brilliant at it in less than a month!
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Confidence and Bonding
