Anxious first mum

I don't know where to start really - my little boy is just over 6 weeks, first baby. He has been a fairly settled baby - bit windy with feeds, and will cry a lot with some feeds, especially with the hot weather. Sometimes I can't get him to settle during a feed with wind and being upset and have to hand him to his father - and he settles right down within seconds in his dad's arms. I have been feeling a bit of a failure and not a nuturing mum because he doesn't seem to relax in my arms - he is either struggling because he is windy, crying because he is not getting on the breast or hot as I get clammy and flustered. We went through a stage a couple of weeks ago where I would try to relatch him to the breast when he had had his full as I was misreading his tired signs for hunger which was really distressing for both of us. I am fairly sure that my anxiety is making him unsettled. I am almost resentful of the fact that he will relax with his father and not with me.
It is upsetting me that he doesn't seem to want cuddles with me - I am almost like just a food source to him and then cause him distress when he gets wind with his feeds or overheats with me while feeding in this hot weather.
Having said all this, he is putting on weight, is starting to take a good interest in the world and according to other people I am doing a good job. I am worried though that all my tenseness will affect his bonding with me and as he doesnt' seem to relax in my arms is just feeding this anxiety. I know a lot of this is in my mind but has anyone had similar experiences?

Middlelee, just wanted to say you are doing a good job. Its really tough to begin with you do feel a bit like a milking machine and feeding is not easy.

Do not worry about him bonding with you, to begin with I had such problems with feeding I was sobbing pretty much every time I was holding him and I was so upset and tense. I started to find my feet and slowly relax a bit more (it helped that my mum came to see me) and now DS we are just fine, DS likes being with either of us and sometimes its only me that can calm him down and in the beginning I would never have imagined that.

I agree with first try a bath, or try taking him to bed with you, I used to wrap him up and we'd get in bed together and just lie there, I found a dummy helped him suckle on something and stay calm and they were special moments.

Middlelee, first of all, welcome to Ohbaby

Please stop being so hard on yourself, feeling like a failure as a mum etc, your baby is only 6 weeks old, now, I dunno about your's, but my daughter never came with an instruction manual , it takes time and practice to work your baby out .
Hes a little baby , his not wanting cuddles with you wont be due to him just not wanting them,he will be getting distressed cos babies , especially very young ones, are good at picking up other peoples moods, if you are feeling flustered and stressed, he will too, give him to your husband leave the room and come back when your more relaxed,you'll probably find he is calmer with you too .
As for winding ,it can be tricky , not every baby will burp if they have the old rubbing the back , my daughter would only bring up wind if I sat her upright on my knee and (holding her firmly under her chin and against my chest) and jiggled my knee up and down quickly, but all babies are different .
But do try not to be so hard on yourself, your learning as you go , just like all first time mums, noone is a mum, before their child is here, even the most experienced mums, were novices once .

Hi Middlelee,
try not to worry I think that most mums feel pretty much as you do in those first few weeks. It can be overwhelming having this little person that is completely dependant on you and you are so anxious to do everything right. I think you are doing very well. I agree with the other ladies about trying to do something special and soothing together, a bath is a great idea, it will relax you both and give you that lovely skin to skin contact that is so important for bonding.
I was just remembering how my little boy used to get very wound up with wind and it was exactly the same story, as soon as I gave him to his Dad he would burp and calm down. I think it is because Dad hasn't been dealing with a cranky baby, and doesn't have the anxiety of learning to breastfeed so they are calm and the baby picks up on it. Men often burp babies better than Mums can because they hold them differently. If you look at a women holding a baby she will curl her body up and around the baby with her natural protective instinct but men just stay bolt upright and heave baby up over their shoulders, its the perfect winding stance.
Babies are hard and unfortunately they don't come with manuals but give yourself a little time to get to know your baby and it will all come together. Your doing great

I do know how you feel in some ways, I often have very little confidence in myself as a Mum. I am used to a job where I know exactly what I am doing and this job as a mum is definately not like that. So lots of

In addition to the other great suggestions, have you tried talking with your local La Leche League or the Plunket Family Centre? They may be able to help you with latching, tired/hungry signs, winding and possibly ideas about preventing overheating while feeding. With help from them it may help boost your confidence and reduce your anxiety.

Big hugs for you girl.
I can't add a lot to what has already been said. I had similar problems to you in the first 6 months (and sometimes still do ). It will get better, I promise.

Hope you can find some ways to spend with bub that aren't so stressful for both of you. Baths together are good...or just playing with them for a few minutes, smiling at each other. Maybe putting some music on and rocking bub against you....

And this forum is great, so feel free to express yourself here and get some fantastic support.

Yay that is fantastic news!! From now you'll start noticing more smile moments and a bit less of the constant feeding. Hopefully he'll start sleeping a bit more in the night too as that really helps! Try not to stress, you sound like you are doing a really good job and it's good that he is having bonding time with his dad as well as you. Here's to an easier six weeks....

Thats great! Its all those little moments that are really important for bonding, its not an instant thing. I think the first 3 months are the hardest, my sister in law calls it the 4th trimester. Just take it easy, don't beat up on yourself and enjoy the little moments.You are doing great!

The more you relax - the more your baby will! None of your tenseness will affect your bonding with bubs. You are the only person that can be his mum and so just relax and things will improve - it is just a phase he will go through and is perfectly normal to feel like this at the 6 wk mark.

You sound like you are doing a great (and totally normal) job!

I hope you are feeling a bit more positive by now

The lying down feeding thing is great, I agree!

I had some similar feelings too with Ash, he has always squiggled and cried and fussed when I am holding him and the second dh has him he is fine I think smelling the milk is a big one . . . .

It does get better I have to say - for instance at the moment his happiest time is when dh is holding him and I am there for entertainment !!! He is old enough to 'tell us' I want my Dad to hold me but I still need Mum right there too! I still can't hold him for as long as dh, but I feel better that he still wants me around

It was harder when he was little and it seemed like he just didn't want to be with me unless he was bf - which then caused him to have horrible wind etc - I can relate to what you said there, I felt like that even the thing I was supposed to be best at couldn't even make him happy!

But it all settled down and now it seems like a milliion years ago and like I said he is now old enough to let me know undeniably that he needs me!! Good luck! x