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monikah 
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Location: Wellington
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 Topic: Difficult family
Posted: 02 September 2008 at 10:28am |
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my dad got married again when i was 20 and his wife is really nasty, deceptive and sneaky. she comes across as being overly nice but she is really really horrible. i told dad i was pg yesterday but to keep it a secret cos it was early. anyway she text me today and said congrats and she has told her kids and they are so excited they are telling their friends WTF anyway my main problem is that my mum died a couple of years ago and as far as i am concerned she is still my babys nana but i know dads wife will try and swoop in and i def dont want her being called 'nana' my dad totally wont understand or see why it matters so i dont think talking to him will help. how do i keep her out?
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Roksana
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Location: Manurewa, Auckland
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Posted: 02 September 2008 at 10:32am |
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Hmmm...tough one!!
What do you plan to teach your child to call her??
If you feel sooo strongly about it you might have to talk to your Dad...he doesnt have to understand....as long as he supports your feeling and decision. You are not a child and therefore have the right to feel however you want and they just have to respect that!!
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monikah
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Posted: 02 September 2008 at 10:38am |
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she will be called by her first name same as i call her
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surfergirl
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Posted: 02 September 2008 at 10:47am |
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Wow! Glad I'm not in your shoes. Families are so hard to deal with...
Firstly, I'm sorry to hear aobut the loss of your Mum. Losing someone you love is very hard.
As Roksana said, what are YOU planning on your baby calling her (remember, she does have to be called something, and B!tch, won't do!)...then you could let your Dad and her know what you'll be calling them.
The other way would be to beat her to the punch (so to speak) and send her a friendly text and and say Hi *insert name of choice here*. Thanks for being so excited about the baby. I know my Mum (Nana) would be happy for us too. Really appreciate you keeping out happy news quiet for now. ... or something...
Just remember even if you don't like her, your Dad loves her (otherwise he wouldn't have married her) so being polite and respectful can go along way. Do it for your Dad, not her. I don't think you can keep her out, but if you maintain clear boundries early on it should be easier for you to manage.
Best of Luck!
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mummy_becks
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Posted: 02 September 2008 at 10:48am |
Coming from her side, she may be really excited for you and may see it as a chance to start over with you - if she is don't block her as that may cause even more problems. Does she already have grandchildren?? If so what do they call her?? As it may be easier to get your child to call her the same thing. If not then say to her that DP's mum is going to be nana (even if she isn't tell a lie) and can she please be something different.
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I was a puree feeder, forward facing, cot sleeping, pram pushing kind of Mum... and my kids survived!
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surfergirl
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Posted: 02 September 2008 at 10:48am |
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Sorry, missed your second post...
How long have they (your Dad and his wife) been married? (Sorry I don't know how old you are).
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Roksana
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Posted: 02 September 2008 at 10:57am |
I think 4 years....sorry had a peek at your profile! 
Yah I agree I dont think you can keep her out completely but set bouderies!
My MIL and I get along very well but she likes things dne her way and she is a very strong woman...and in the beginning tried to tell me how to do things with DD and I politely told her that I am the mum and want to do things my way but thanks very much for the suggestions and I will keep that in mind. Soon she got the idea and stays out of it (May be because she knows I am not doing a bad job...??).
And yes my MUM is the same...so set bounderies. Good luck!
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Cassie
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Posted: 02 September 2008 at 11:04am |
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It's a tricky one really, I'd definitely talk to your Dad about it though. I know my Dad asked us if we could get our little girl to call my step mother a more grandmotherly name to help her feel included, and you know what? It was fine, I mean, kids see the world in a different way, and our little one has a different relationship with her than I do - who am I to deny that?
In our case my parents are divorced, hubbys parents are still together, and our little girls biological mothers grandparents are in the picture as well. My mum is just plain 'Nana' and every other 'Nana' has their first name tacked after it so that we can differentiate.
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monikah
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Posted: 02 September 2008 at 11:52am |
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she caused so many problems after my mum died and told my extended family that we said all this horrible stuff about our mum and now our whole extended family wont have anything to do with us. we have had to change our fone numbers cos they were ringing and abusing me and my sister. i just cant forgive her for that. especially as she has only started causing problems now that me and my dad get along (we had a crappy relationship when i was a teenager) its like she is trying to pull us apart cos i am in her way. a year ago she changed her 11 year olds sons last name to my dads last name (its not even his kids and now he has a different last name to his brother and sister) there is just no need for it. she has no other grandkids and i know it is all show because she really upset DH a few weeks ago by telling him that having kids young was a waste of life and they are just a trap that stop you living a decent life, wait till we are old and have nothing left to lose!
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Roksana
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Posted: 02 September 2008 at 12:18pm |
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She sounds charming!! NOT
Yah like we all said...just talk to your Dad and let him know how you feel. If he loves you and wants to be part of your and baby's life then he will respect and accept it! My Dad can be a bit of a Pig headed person too...but I am worse so he knows he cant win! And his whole world revolves around my DD so I am sure your Dad will come around to the Idea!
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T_Rex
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Posted: 02 September 2008 at 12:25pm |
My paternal grandparents wanted to be Grandad and Nana, but my parents (read: mother) decided they were to be called by their first names. They acheived this by always referring to them by their names (well, actually I think my dad called them Mum and Dad still, but my mum called them by their names). Because we heard these references to them a million times more than their attempts to get us to call them Nana and Grandad, we didn't realise any different other than to call them by their names. It wasn't until I was about 10 that I realised what had gone on, but by then I was so used to calling them by their names that it was too late.
So the moral of the story is you have the *power* to get your kids to call her anything you want. It doesn't have to be with her consent.
I'm really sorry that you have to deal with all this. It sounds horrible for you 
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VannesaD
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Posted: 02 September 2008 at 12:44pm |
Hi Monikah
Not a nice thing to have to be considering for anyone but at the end of the day it's your decision what your child calls this person.
My father has also remarried and we're lucky she hasn't been 'horrible' or nasty but the marriage took a really long time to come to terms with .. so my daughter calls her "aunty first name". I also didn't want her being called nan or gran or anything like that but wife #3 also understands that I don't consider her my 'mother' in any sense of the word.
Your child won't fully understand the ramifications of 'names' etc until they are much older and by then you will be able to explain a lot better and they may even be old enough to decide what they call her.
Sorry you are going through this. 
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xox6Girls1Boyxox
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Posted: 08 September 2008 at 10:33am |
Hi there, Big Hugs to you. Because yours and your dads ralationship has been rocki in the past do you really want to jepordise your relationship with him now over this. I mean you can sit with your dad and just explain how your feeling about your mum being Nana & that name is only for your mum so mayb you can compromise on a name for yor baby to call your stepmum. EG: Doodi, or Didi or something else.
I know what you've been thru regarding the rumours that have been spread has separated you & your sis from your family and you dont ever have to forgive her but for the sake of your dad maybe you should try to sort some things out because she is a part of your dads life now. It might be your baby that will smooth out all the wrinkles and start a friendship or something with your step mum & yourself.
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Mazzy
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Posted: 08 September 2008 at 11:54am |
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Just another idea on the name front - I had two step-grandmothers as both my parents mothers died before I was born and instead of calling my Dad's stepmum 'Grandma' my brother and I called her 'GrandNAME', as in, tack her name in where the 'ma' would be. It actually worked really well and everyone was happy.
Step families are really hard to negotiate, especially when they are created so much later in life. I can totally sympathise. I hope that this can be a better beginning for your family and that you can set up some good boundaries to manage your Dad's wife.
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Mum to two gorgeous girls!
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Suzieq
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Posted: 08 September 2008 at 12:21pm |
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Hi
My dads real mum died when he was 14, so pop remarried when dad was 19. He didn't get on with her at all, the whole shes replacing my mother thing really upset dad, but when dad had us kids we only knew her as our grandma, what I am trying to get at is my "step grandma" is my real grandma in my eyes as she was all I ever knew, it only now since we have go older and gran passed away that I found that dad didn't like her. I am so pleased we didn't know they had their differences as she was great to us kids, and we never knew any different, which I think we shouldn't burden out children with differences with people. Just so glad I got to have a loving and caring GRANDMA.
Bigs hugs as everyones family life is different.
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kiwisj
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Posted: 08 September 2008 at 1:41pm |
Hi Monikah
My Dad recently remarried too and his new wife has been fairly awful to me so I'm probably not the best person to give you advice  So I just wanted to give you this
..and also say that my stepmother has grandchildren of her own and they all call my Dad by his first name as they already have a Grandad .. doesn't bother my Dad at all (as far as I know). Same with my Mum's step grandkids. My kids will call my stepmother by her first name.
Perhaps you could bring it up with your Dad a bit closer to the birth and just say you will continue to call his wife by her first name. I agree with the person who said your kids will end up copying what you do anyway - if they hear you always calling her "X" then they will probably do that too. Perhaps you don't even need to go into the whys of it all, especially if your Dad is already aware if the issues between you and your SM.
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SJ
Callum - Dec 2008
Daniel - Oct 2010
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flakesitchyfeet
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Posted: 09 September 2008 at 7:03am |
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You make me feel so much better, I am not the only one with an 'issuey' family.
My stepmother will in no way play the grandmother role to my child. She is a poor role model and has caused an extreme amount of pain to my oldest of the younger siblings and I.
Both of my baby's biological grandmothers are alive and
are wonderful women. Bubs doesn't need my stepmothers influence in that respect.
I will refer to her by her Christain name, I will explain the situation to Dad, and I will correct her if she tries to refer to herself as Nana.
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Moochiecat
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Posted: 09 September 2008 at 7:28am |
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Ugh - horrible situation for you. If it helps I would probably give her a quick phone call - when it is least convenient for her (like at work) - and tell her that the news is still very private and that can she not tell anyone else, as you told her dad in private you would rather make the decision on who finds out when. She'll probably say she was 'just so excited and had to tell someone' (classic passive aggressive), but make sure she understands its YOUR exciting news - not hers.
And as for the Nana thing, my family situation is somewhat complicated and I think surfergirl had a great idea, announce the news by incorporating your mum as Nana, and then the first time your stepmum refers to herself as nana, just simply correct her, and keep at it, she'll get the hint!
Stay very strong over the next coming months, its your and DH's time. Stick to your guns! Good luck
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MonicaMouse
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Posted: 09 September 2008 at 10:10am |
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You poor thing. I'm so lucky that I get on with my dad's partner, and despite not talking to her about a title early on, she came up with the idea of refering to herself as 'aunty......'
Sure it may be interesting if her (now 4 month old) nephew and B meet at some stage when they are talking and wonder why each of them call my Dad a different name, but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. Both my sisters have asked to be refered to by their first names, so I love the fact that B has an 'auntie someone' out there.
I agree with the others, decide on a name now and that way you can use it as soon as bubs arrives. Good luck
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Blair 15/10/2007
Daniel 30/07/2009
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Difficult family
