Need Help Please re; child custody

I am a regular poster, under a alias, this will be a long story but I really need some help, advice please, or if someone has been in a similar situation can direct me to who can help that would greatly appreciated.

I have been with my partner for just over 4 years, we have 2 young children, he also has another child, who was 1 1/2 years old when I met him. He had not long started seeing his ex, when she fell pregnant, he was young & scared but did the right thing and was there through out her pregnancy, birth etc so he had a close bond with him. But they seperated not long after his son was born, DP had a child custody agreement drawn up with his ex partner while they were on good terms, their agreement was that he was too have his son every second weekend from Friday til Sunday.

Now Im not too sure on the details before I was in the picture of course (2 sides to every story and all!) but he has always said she made it difficult for him to see his son ever since they seperated. He has been paying child support since they split, but only had access for a night during the weekend and would have her ringing asking when he was going to bring their child home (which Im guessing was due to him being so young). He had a brief relationship with another woman after his ex and before meeting me, the ex partner didn't approve of this woman so was stopped from seeing his son. He ended the relationship, he was allowed sperratic visits again.

After a few months into our relationship, I realised DP was in a lot of debt, so I suggested we live together and I supported us both so he could get back on his feet. I had met his son, we got along straight away, I had a 2 bedroom house which we set up for his son when he came to visit. After DP moved in, he took me to meet his ex and her family, his ex was in a new relationship and has just had a new baby, she was living with her mother (who also just had a baby herself). They were nice to me, her mother made more effort of conversation than she, so was a bit awkward at the time.

The next weekend DP picked him up, the ex had split with her newborn babies father, and was 'ready for a night on the town" asked if he was still working nights. Which he didn't respond, so she started talking to me a bit more.

Now thats when the games started up. When it was DP's weekend she would ring him non stop throughout the morning, asking him to be there by 1pm to pick up their son, when we arrived she didn't answer the door. We had arranged to take him to a friend of mines birthday party, she wanted details, address, phone number etc of where it was held, when we picked him up, the ex partners mother said she decided to take him to the pool instead. When he stayed with us, we would take his son to the circus (which I had passes for through work, and was fairly pricey) she asked him how can he afford that, she needs nappies etc for their child, he needs to front up and help her out more financially, I then found out, that he had been giving her large chunks of his pay to help her out, which was why his debt wasnt being paid as quickly. He explained to her that I was basically supporting them both. I told him No, Im not giving her money, he shouldn't have to give her extra money to be able to see his boy. We had brought him clothes, shoes etc. She was then on-off with her other childs father and would say he didn't want DP around at his place to pick up his son anymore, he needs to work it out with her mother and she can drop him off there.

Things got so difficult that my partner stopped going around there as he couldn't be bothered dealing with her anymore. We got sent nasty text messages saying DP was unreliable, his son calls her current partner dad, hes a bad father etc. When I fell pregnant (2 years into our relationship) again the nasty messages started up, I kept it civil and stated just because those two werent in a relationship didn't mean he didnt want to be a father, she said I was the reason he didn't want to see his son since he met me.

Now his son is 6 years old, he hasn't seen him since he was 2 years old. His ex partner rang his work about 6 months ago, left a message that their son was in hospital (DP was on leave from work, so didn't get the message until the next day) he called her back, she was down south, left a message. I called the next morning, she was at the shops" so we went to the hospital that morning, and the office said no one was in under that name. Which left DP furious.

DP is just so angry that he doesn't want to deal with her at all, we contacted a lawyer regarding his prevous arrangement, but as she was working with both of them she couldnt represent only him. He contacted another lawyer but the process was slow, hes just so resentful that he's always had to fight so hard to see his son that he just shuts down. I have thought of contacting her to be the "go between" person but I just can't deal with her either. She got in contact the other day saying he can see him but as it has been so long he needs to get used to his dad, so he can visit them.

I mentioned to him that if he talks to her, and if it goes well, he can arrange with her to pick up their son after school on a Friday and drop off him off Monday morning back at school. He's still refusing to speak to her as hes resentful, asked me if could contact her. I really don't want too. Im so annoyed with this situation, feel really sorry the boy, he has two other siblings he won't get to know. I come from separated parents also, its awful.

Sorry about the novel but I really need some advice or perhaps if someones been in a similar situation?
TIA

I don't know how much help I have to give but these are my thoughts.

Do you think they might both be agreeable to going to Family Court counselling to talk through care for their son? I know it's a way down the track but it might be a good place to start.

Failing that I'm thinking that there are possibly only two options - continue as things are and hope they get better or find a lawyer and go through the formal legal options.

My understanding of the Family Court is that they will require both parties to go through the counselling process before they will take the situation to court anyway. If they end up going through counselling I would suggest that your partner insists that they draw up a Parenting Agreement during the sessions. It's not legally binding but in the event of things falling apart afterwards it can be used to draw up a Parenting Agreement (which is legally binding).

I would document every attempt that your partner makes to get in contact with his son as well as everything she does to make it difficult. Keep texts and emails too. It all shows a chain of events.

Good luck - I really hope you get things sorted. It sounds like such a difficult situation for all of you.

I found the family court to be really good actually.
we went through family court with my ex after he wouldnt aggree to any custody aggreements put to him by my lawyer and the lawyer had had enough of him,
we had to see a family councelor - at seperate times not togeather, and we ended up in a court mediation infront of a judge as he was being difficult, usually most cases dont go to the court but more a bit of back and forward between the 2 parties lawyers.

the mediation was me & my lawyer, him & his lawyer and a family court judge not in a court room but in like a board room, basicly the lawyer asked him why he couldnt aggree to anything and he was told to stop being difficult as they could see he was just doing it to cause as much troubble as possibleas he was resentful,
the judge was great also put in the custody aggreement that he wasnt alowd to text/phone or turn up at my house or work unless it was directly to do with our our daughter, as he also would text and phone numerous times every day which the judge told him was intimidation and harassment. And funnily enough the aggreement that he agreed to then with the judge was the 1st one he had turned down about 9mths before.

and the reason we had to go through the lawyers and the courts to start with is because we had a verbal agreement but one day he didnt drop her back off and wouldnt answer his phone etc and i phoned the police who couldnt do anything as:

by NZ law if you dont have a written form of custody agreement in place either parent can have the child (or take the child away from the other parent)and it is perfectly fine as there isnt a legal aggreement in place and both parties are deemed as the childs parents providing they are on the birth certificate, and the police cant do anything about it its up to the parents so sort out themselves, however a custody aggreement they have to enforce.


and as blessedmama said tell your partner to keep good notes, copies of emails texts etc, as they can really come in handy.

unfortunatley its really up to him to sort this one out, i can see why you wouldnt want to get involved and end up being caught in the middle of it all.

This also may not be much help but it sounds like you are now the one doing a lot of the work to try and make this situation better for everyone. That's such a big thing to take on - particularly when it sounds like it's affecting your own relationship.

I am certainly no expert in relationships (you would laugh if you knew my own situation) but my experience with men tells me they often need us to step back from a situation for a while before they are prepared to talk about it. If we push too hard they often seem to clam up and get defensive. Do you think you can step back and give him a week or two without you mentioning it in the hope that you can come back to it with him then ready to talk? It might not be of any benefit but it might mean you guys have a bit of breathing space for yourselves.

I agree that you shouldn't have to be the go between but I can identify with wanting to fix it too. I guess my feeling is that your partner is an adult and if he really wants to see his son he needs to realise that unfortunately he has to deal with the other parent (no matter how fair she is being) and that may mean going through the Family Court. It sounds like you have been an amazing support but that he's not necessarily prepared to take control or take some of the more formal options open to him. I think that if having his son in his life is important to him he needs to do the work - with your support - rather than letting you do it all for him.

I really feel for you - these sorts of situations are so, so difficult. I hope you have some real life support for yourself. I know the impact this sort of stuff can have on your own emotional wellbeing.

my friend with the custody issues went back and forth with mediation and etc for about 1 1/2 yrs before it got to court. then just before xmas he put in a request for 'full and immediate custody on the grounds that she was mentally unstable', that was just to get a court date in a hurry. whent he court date showed up, no mention of that, he just wanted the pickup/dropoff times shifted by 1 hour.

If you talk to people who have gone through messy custody battles they'll have plenty of stories like that. If at least one party is being difficult, court is the only way to sort it.

She's agreed to him seeing his son but to build it up as its been so long. This sounds pretty sensible and reasonable to me.

I would suggest going through a lawyer to have a formal agreement drawn up and asking for counselling through the Family Courts so that they can both sit down together with a trained person in the room to help them work through the issues, or if this isnt' possible the counsellor will meet with you both separately to get you to work together on a suitable arrangement.

Once you have an agreement though it is important that he sticks with it. He can't go into it deciding to cut contact with his son because she's sent him a nasty text.