Parenting order help

This is a post from my friend (pasted from another site with her permission).

I had a major battle on my hands yesterday fighting my husband's parents in a 'round table meeting' (not very round, their side had three lawyers) in a custody/visitation battle.
My husband and I have been separated since a domestic incident in November last year, and he has major bipolar. He is currently in hospital for an acute episode of mania. His parents are going for additional guardianship of our 21 month old daughter because we (me and her) moved from Dunedin to Ashburton in May, and apparently getting out of a situation that was bad for my mental health, and moving to the support of my family, makes me an unfit mother. (another complicating factor is that his family is Chinese, so I have the whole culture thing to fight too - they believe they are her ONLY family, because Chinese culture says the paternal family is so important, maternal family is irrelevant)
I am also due with number two at about 6 November.

Somehow I went from saying that yesterdays trip would be the last I could make for at least six months (due to being so late in my pregnancy, then having a new baby who would be breastfed every hour or so and not allowed to spend more than 90 minutes in a car seat at a time) to agreeing to go to Dunedin in two weeks time, and spending a WEEK there with a two week old baby, and allowing them to have Sophie at their house for a whole week, when I initially said that only one or two nights at a time is appropriate at her age.

Anyways, I would love your advice on what I should do next. I have the problem now that if I get out of any of the agreed contact, I will immediately be forced by the judge to move Sophie back to Dunedin (even though that would be a disaster for my sanity), but I need to look after myself, Sophie, and the new baby.

I am honestly about to crack. I basically haven't stopped crying since we got home last night. These people majorly failed when raising their son (didn't work that out til after we were married [:0] ), and I am freaked out to the max they'll mess my beautiful AP kiddies up in the same way (If you think sending a 6 (yes, six) year old to boarding school is OK, I disagree). Last year when they looked after her they gave her formula when there were three perfectly awesome bottles of EBM in her bag, they put rice in her bottles 'to help her sleep', they put honey and juice in a milk bottle with water 'so she would drink enough water', and tried making me forward face her at 1. They take her sunhat off so they can see her face, didn't install her carseat properly, and did her onesies up INSIDE her nappy cover. They're total morons, but I can't say anything because 'they're my parents, and I have to respect them no matter what' (even though they don't respect me as a parent).

This is KILLING me, what do I do?

where was her lawyer in all this? if she is not happy with the order then she better get onto her lawyer ASAP. If she has agreed to it already though there may not be much she can do.

Oh that poor girl

Where was her lawyer though?? Asian families can be very hard to deal with, she has my sympathies

ETA just read what you said about her lawyer being there - seriously she needs a new one if the one she has is going to be a dumbnuts and not stand up for her!!! Did she tell her lawyer what she was prepared to agree to? Because its his job to make sure his client is protected!!! My lawyers banned me from talking and they did all the negotiating (and I had a resounding win!). Its not her job to step up to bat, its her lawyers!!

If they aren't currently guardians then they don't have any visitation rights and I'm not sure why a judge wouldn't back her up. Regardless, by citing her situation she should be able to get out of any agreement shes made. Shes heavily pregnant, felt harassed, is scared of the situation/her parent-in-laws attitude. Make a note of everything they do that is irresponsible (not AP irresponsible but childcare irresponsible - forward facing at 1 isn't irresponsible sorry not if the child is the correct weight), not to set up a situation where they don't have access, but to ensure that as the mother the full rights of parenting stay with her.


From Ministry of Justice

Guardians who are appointed by the Court
A person can also become a guardian by being appointed by the Family Court. This might be a family member, for example, such as a grandparent.

The Court can appoint a guardian after being asked by someone to do so, or it can do so at the same time as it decides to remove a guardian. Anyone can apply to the Court asking it to appoint a guardian. The new guardian can be the person applying, or someone else.

The Court can appoint a guardian in addition to other guardians or as the child's only, or "sole", guardian.

Why would the Court appoint a guardian?
There are various circumstances in which the Court might appoint a guardian - if both parents have died without appointing a testamentary guardian, for example, or if a person who is not a guardian is in fact acting as a guardian for a child. The Court can also appoint someone as a child's guardian for a particular purpose or for a limited time, if neither parent is going to be able to look after the child for a time, for example.

The child's welfare and best interests are the most important factors when the Court is deciding whether to appoint a guardian.

She should be able to fight what they're doing re guardianship. Grandparents are able to go for visitation but they have to be reasonable and applying for guardianship while shes obviously doing a good job parenting isn't reasonable.

She needs a good lawyer and she needs her family to back her up!!

Edited by Babe

Why is she driving all the way down there to see them when the ex is in hosptial. Surely the grandparents can drive up to visit the child if they wish?

It sounds dreadful for her I have nothing to add but hope that her new lawyer gives her the help she needs. Poor thing.

Actually IsaacsMum, the Courts are more favourable towards shared care these days and try to do what they can to put that in place. They prefer that parents work together to have that in place, rather than one person having sole day to day care. This is in young children as well - they push towards both parents having time with the child, within the boundaries of what is physically able of course.

In saying that, though, it sounds like the Dad in this case isn't anywhere near healthy enough to have care of his daughter at the moment. And while I think it's fair his parents should be able to see their grandchild, I'd be surprised if they'd give them day-to-day care if the Mum's competent (and she sounds it).

Edited by Hopes

sounds to me she needs a strong advocate like you to support and speak for her - must be very overwhelming

I would cypfs advice too - this is not a safe and healthy way to raise a child and a child to be - clearly the children are safe and happy with thier mum, and its good to know you have a gov dept on your side if need be

If that were me Id do anythign and everything to ensure they dotn ahve those babies ever!!!

TBH the whole thing sounds totally squiffy to me. Having grown up with my parents walking people through the court process and having been through the custody process myself this whole situation is just odd. Maybe she needs to get a new lawyer or wise up on some things so she doesn't get pushed around? A good lawyer IMO should definitely be able to get around her having to visit the grandparents, especially considering how pregnant she is, and as for shared care - if she can prove he's mentally incompetent as well as has a violent history then it should *not* be this hard for her to get a day-to-day parenting order. Yes the courts may lean more towards 50/50 shared care in general cases but this isn't a general case - hes in the psych ward FFS. And why has her laywer not organised for supervised visitation for the GPs? Considering everything thats going on I would have expected her lawyer to have organised atleast that. Seems like the whole thing is a silly circus with the GPs as the ringmasters and her lawyer as a clown...

have not read the whole blog - but agree shes needs a new lawyer - based on the information shes posts its clear he isn't fit to parent violence and mental health issues - that is pretty clear. and i would expect a lawyer not to making some one as preg as her travel so far also considering she doesn't drive? - seems unfortunate for her she got her self involved with a family before she knew what they were like .. hope it works out for the kids sake