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julz85 
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 Topic: ’extinguishing’ a family member
Posted: 03 July 2011 at 10:35am |
Anybody stopped contact with a close family member like a mother/father/granparent or sibling ? what are your reasons for this and how has it worked over the time you stopped contact ? do you ever regret it ? how has it changed things in your life ? made you happier ? how do you deal with family functions ?
this is on my mind as im thinking VERY strongly about 'extinguishing ' someone very close in my life for various reasons, something thats been brewing for many years and wanted to know some situations that other people are in .
Edited by julz85
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Babykatnz
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Posted: 03 July 2011 at 1:26pm |
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I've cut all contact with my paternal granparents as they sided with and aided my ex ILs in getting my oldest son away from me and kept from me for a month without any contact, and another 9 months before I got him back with me.... he was only 15 months old at the time, they'd only seen me twice since he was born, and thought they knew me enough to call me a bad mum.
Was easy enough to do, they live in the south island, I never use my full name on public forums. Google my real name and nothing comes up, they dont know my email or my online handle, so they cant lurk and find anything I've posted. They dont have my cell or home number, or my address (we've moved 3 times since I last spoke to them. I havent even told them I was preg again, let alone have had that baby!) They came up for my sisters wedding when Jae was 4 months old and I refused to let them hold Jae, walked around the rest of our family (they were the only ones from dads family there) and just made sure I was too 'busy' to talk to them. Even though I know my current ILs wouldnt dare try and take my kids away from me (not that they'd even care enough to think of it), I wont let them near my kids ever again. I cant prevent them having contact with my oldest as HIS grandparents refuse to sever that tie, much to my disgust.
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MrsH
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Posted: 03 July 2011 at 4:35pm |
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I have done this with my Mother recently, not purposefully "extinguished" her but just not kept in contact with her. To cut a very long story short; we'd had an argument back before Xmas in 2009 where she'd decided not to come to my sons first xmas. It was a big thing for me and I felt like she'd 'punished' my son for something that was between her and I. Ever since, I've been very stand-offish. I raised it with her once and we just ended up arguing so I have basically been stewing about it and other stuff she has/hasn't done ever since. I do want to resume our relationship but at the moment, I'm still too angry to see her in case I say something that renders the relationship dead in the water. I dream about her alot. I think that if you make the decision, you need to be at peace with it otherwise, like me, it may eat at you until you resolve it one way or another.
Strangely this weekend I have also had an argument with my brother (trust me, I'm not really the argumentative type which I suspect is why it's come as a shock to my Mum and my brother) and he basically yelled at me on facebook, said 'YOU'VE MADE ME ANGRY NOW.' and told me that I better think about my next response because 'THIS COULD BE THE LAST TIME WE SPEAK'. So it looks like he's written me off as well. It's all because I've grown up a bit and have stopped trying to please everyone. No big loss really, he's bullied me all my life and once a bully, always a bully.
So to answer your questions, Nil contact at all with my Mum at the moment. Makes things a bit awkward for all involved (she posts my birthday cards c/- my inlaws even though she knows my address - her way of getting them involved). Generally I'm a happier person because I'm not always having to worry about pleasing her or seeking approval from her. But on the flipside, I do miss our relationship when it was good, and I do feel that it's unresolved and that there is a small part of me that is missing.
(I don't however miss the birthday cards that enclose a newspaper article entitled "Analysing your feelings about your Mother")
With my brother, I also was always wanting some approval or encouragement from him. Not sure why as he made my childhood a living hell. It's not going to make much of a difference to my life except for the fact that my self-esteem will no doubt improve if he's not there to tear it down. In fact, he is a very bitter person who holds on to every wrong that has ever been done against him and I don't need people like that in my life.
Sorry, just realised that this is a bit of a novel....
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julz85
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Posted: 03 July 2011 at 6:38pm |
Oh Mrs H that did make me LOL at the newpsper artical in the card , the person i am speaking about is also my own mother and that is exactly the sort of thing she would do. she is a trained life coach and to be honest i think she is the one that needs life coaching!
I think your situation is similar to my own , im still very bitter about the fact my own mother did not help me when i had dd back in 2009 , i was a 23 yr old single parent at the time with pretty much no help from anyone and i had a refluxy/colic baby who cried 24/7 but instead of my moter helping me out she simply did nothing , she lived 10min down the rd but very rarely visited , she would never take the baby off my hands for an hr or 2 so i could have a break or a nap (my dd woke 8-10 times a night until nearly one) and she even refused to change the baby . i found this all very odd as my own sister was a colic/reflux baby so i thought of all people to help my own mother would ... turned out later that she had met yet another new man and this was the main reason for her never being around to help me . she is now getting married to that man and it will be her 4th marriage (along with ANOTHER 3 serious relationships in which proerty was purchased , engagement rings etc etc ) so altho i should probably get over it and grow up i am still bitter about the whole thing, Also when the earthquakes hit this year here in chch i was living in a damaged home in the east with no power, water , sewerage for weeks with my partner and 2 children (he has a 6 yr old ) anyway my mother and her fiance had all services and were never without power , water etc at all yet they still refused to let us borrow their gas cooker so we had something to cook on whilst having no water , power etc etc , it was her partner that did not want us using it , his excuse : what if WE have a power cut and need it " they actually had a bbq also sitting in the garage so as you can imagine i thought this was a ridiculous excuse and that also has made me very angry as that was at a point i was very stressed and vulnerable with everything going on and we had no extra money to be buying things like gas cookers .
we are still going through alot of earthquake stuff where i live (no sewerage since sept quake etc ) and we are still stressed living in the conditions we are yet everytime i speak to my mother she just goes on and on and on about this dam wedding that to be honest i dont care about at all, i really dont see a 4th wedding should be anything to rave about .
grrr rant over . i think i just need a very long break from her ... the mother/daughter relationship is definatly a interesting/complex one!
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Plushie
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Posted: 03 July 2011 at 8:04pm |
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I cut my mom out from 17 - 20 when she rang me for the first time in those 3 years to tell me my dad was in a coma. We've been talking since then (i'm 24) but we're not close even though me and DS live with her, i barely see her and the most she has done for DS is 'watch him' while i run to the store 5min down the road. By watch him, i mean he's asleep with no chance of waking. And i mean once. Anyway - i don't think we would be talking if it werent for my dad dying, no doubt he is having a good laugh about it all. I was happy with my decision, though she's my mom we never had a good relationship. I am working on moving out - hopefully i will return to work within a few months then i will be gone. And when i go i very much want to cut contact with her again (oh dear, sound like im using her much?). When DS was born she turned up at the hospital with me in labour - i told my m/w i didnt want her in the room so they didnt let her in - and when i called her to tell her he'd arrived she refused to answer then sent a series of snarky texts saying i had to move out and that she can't support me because i'd treated her so badly, and how dare i not have her there when HER grandson was born and ruin that moment for her. That makes me so mad - DS was only a few hours old and i'd been informed that we had nowhere to go home to and i'm a single mom so how was i supposed to arrange for someone to move all my things into another imagionary house and set up for the baby while in hospital!?? Also, less trivial but i was starving and i had no food because she'd said she'd bring it in and i had no clean clothes or maternity pads and my lovely midwife had to go organize all that sort of stuff for me. Anyway, this is turning into a whole big thing about me - i think if you have good reason for what you're doing and don't get all jeremy kyle about it you'll be fine. Personally my concern is for DS as he doesnt and probably won't know his dads parents, my dad is dead, that just leaves my mom as his only grandparent...i don't want to punish him for our bad relationship IYNWIM.
Edited by Bowie
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JD
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Posted: 03 July 2011 at 9:31pm |
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Wow, you ladies have had some really challenging relationships and I can't imagine being at such odds with my mother.
I had a daughter when I was a teenager (she was 1st grandchild) and both my parents treated me much different to what they do now. They weren't as helpful as I would have thought, but on the other hand, I didn't want to ask for the help either since I felt I had got myself into the position in the first place. They were certainly willing to help if I asked for it (and still do).
Like I said earlier, I cant imagine what you are going through, but to cut a family member off "extinguish" them from your life seems really extreem. I am sure it has been necessary in some instances, but maybe the result you are after can be achieved by putting some boundries in place instead. Perhaps being in control of the contact that is made rather than none at all?? I think you need to keep in mind that if you choose to cut off all contact...you cant necessarily get back in contact whenever you like. They also may shift, change numbers or whatever. You are making the decision not only for yourself, but also for your children (which may be a good or bad thing depending on the relationship).
I recently heard a saying that was somthing about "drinking poison and hoping it hurts someone else".
I understand people close can do things that are extreemly painful to us, but Im not convinced cutting people out of your life will make you any less bitter about it.
I can understand people cutting others out if they have been physically or abusive in other ways.
Sorry about the novel....
Good luck with whatever you choose to do.
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pikelets
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Posted: 03 July 2011 at 10:08pm |
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My Mum walked out when I was 15yrs old. She then moved overseas not long after. I didn't speak to her from age 16-20yrs. When I was 20, I contacted her because I thought I was getting old and should. We had little contact for the next 5 years.
Anyway, cutting along story short, after years of agony, rejection and her being just plain mean, one day someone said to me "you don't have to keep her in your life, just because she is your Mum you know". (That particular person also has nothing to do with her Mum so understood.)
Anyway, it was like a weight had been lifted off my shoulder and I felt strong, that I could make that decision. I was about 25 at the time and I just didn't contact her anymore. Was easy because she would only contact me, if I contacted her! It has made my life alot better.
I have seen her a couple of times at family things (ie funerals) and I have talked to her. I rise above it at the time and be the better person.
I am sad that I don't have a Mum in my life and I do get upset from time to time but its mainly me grieving for the Mum that I wish I had "the nice loving Mum/daughter relationship, going out together, talking about womens things, the relationship other people have with their mums". I never had that with my Mum and never will.
I sometimes think about her getting older and wonder where things will go when she is really old.
I don't regret my decision of not having her in my life at all. I do feel happier and think my life would have been very different had we kept in contact. I am in control, not her. I just got to a stage where it was the best decision for me.
I do encourage others to keep in contact with their family if they can. If there is something you can resolve, it is worth it instead of having a silly feud go on for years.
All the best with your decision, just make sure it is the best one for you. You may come to a point where you will just know.
(sorry for long post).
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M2K
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Posted: 03 July 2011 at 10:32pm |
Maybe she thought you were coping a lot better than you are? I would say something to her before cutting her off, or even just distance yourself for a while and see if she makes the effort, if you think it might turn into a family feud. I think its harsh that your mum (or by the sounds of it, her current partner) wasn't willing to help you out more after these quakes, my mum would've done (and has done) all she could for her grandbabies. I was wondering, don't you have another family member that is quite demanding? I did wonder after reading your post that she might be so used to helping the other person that you, being the stronger one, the more sensible one, she might have just assumed you were always coping alot better than you are.
Hope that made some sense, its way past my bed time 
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choco69
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Posted: 04 July 2011 at 8:45am |
as someone wise once said - your friends are the family you choose - unfortunately those that are our family aren't always the best people for us to be around
one of the hardest things I've had to learn in life is that I can't make those that I love be what I want them to be, that I just have to accept them the way they are or walk away - which is much easier with a friend or even partner and is so very very hard when it is family
in my case it is my brother - we have never been close, I only hear from him when I contact him or at family functions and will only speak to me if he really really has to - he doesn't 'get' me and certainly doesn't agree with my choice to become a mother - I know this upsets my parents however I came to the realisation recently that I don't care if he never accepts me for me, he is who he is, and I am who I am and none of that can change
it is a sad thing when our family aren't who or what we need in our life however those friends who become our family in every other way are like gold
I can't tell you what you should do as only you know what you need to do
biggest hugs 
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jazzy
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Posted: 04 July 2011 at 10:00am |
My MIL once told my DH she will cut him off & have nothing more to do with him & it was over something stupid. Pathetic in my eyes.
When she gets in her monarchy family state I mutter under my breath & tell DH to keep peace with her, cause when she is dead that's it no second chances. I would love to tell his whole self-righteous family to F*ck off, so I chose to distance myself when ever I can.
The problem with 'extinguishing ' a close family member is if they die that it the end, you can't get back, take back or make right...so make very sure you are happy with your decision.
You can always set the boundaries & choose the leave of interaction if any. At least that way bad feelings wont eat at you. Don't waste to much time & energy over being angry at people not good for you, get on with your things as at the end of the day they are the ones missing out
Edited by jazzy
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Raspberryjam
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Posted: 04 July 2011 at 10:23am |
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I dont talk to the majority of my Dads side of the family, they are all morons, or My brother, he is a crim and I dont want him near my babies and I guess that most of it has come around by way of an arguement , about basically their lack of respect for people, and I have just gone look your an a*se, b*gger off, end of story, and our lives are much more simple for it.
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blueberry
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Posted: 04 July 2011 at 11:31am |
No advice, I'm not close with my mum and one of my biggest fears is I'll end up having the same type of relationship with my daughter.  I cringe when I think of some of the things my mum has said to my sisters and I over the years.
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MrsH
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Posted: 04 July 2011 at 12:01pm |
 blueberry wrote:
No advice, I'm not close with my mum and one of my biggest fears is I'll end up having the same type of relationship with my daughter. I cringe when I think of some of the things my mum has said to my sisters and I over the years.
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Same, I have the same fears. I love the old 'if I hadn't had you kids....' line. I'm adamant I will never 'expect' anything off my children. I chose to have them, not the other way around. They don't owe me anything.
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GuestGuest
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Posted: 04 July 2011 at 12:57pm |
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I don't have contact with my brother due to a number of things. We still see each other at family birthdays/Christmas and are civil with each other but it has worked out well for me. A lot less stressful not having to deal with his bullsh*t.
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AnnaShev
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Posted: 04 July 2011 at 1:50pm |
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I'm in a similar boat as LuckyRed, my Hubby and I don't see his brother and sister in law, (rest of hubby's family still see them fairly regularly) mostly because they have never treated me politely (they dont have to like me but i do expect to be treated in a polite manner when we are around them), and they expect us to do everything for them for free, this includes buying expensive christmas and birthday presents for their kids (they expect it, not that we do it). For us it works well but because other family members see them regularly we still hear about all their dramas and complaints so we still find it just as stressful especially when we are expected to put our plans on hold or change our plans to suit them. If their is a family gathering we generally just dont talk to much to them but remain polite if we have to say anything to them
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crafty1
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Posted: 04 July 2011 at 2:27pm |
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my sister did this with my mum and i wish i could too but just feel too bad about it. if she still lived in nz and i had to see her more than once a year i probably would.
my sister is soooo much happier since then and feels free of all the bitterness and resentment that she felt whenever with my mum. i feel the same way and it is painful and i end up angry all the time when she is here.
i agree with an earlier post that just cos she is your mum doesn't mean you can't extinguish her. in some ways your expectations of the relationship are higher so it makes the gap worse.
i was ok with my mum till i became a mum and since then i just can't stand her. honest truth i really can't, she is a selfish, childish bitch and boy does it feel good to say that and stop pretending!! That is what i find hard - the pretending, there is nothing genuine in our relationship at all because of it.
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julz85
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Posted: 04 July 2011 at 8:48pm |
im suprised by so many woman and there relationships with their mothers . to be honest im glad not the only one .
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zcm
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Posted: 05 July 2011 at 10:32am |
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Yep, I'm another one. I cut my mother out for a couple of years and then only saw her at family gatherings for another couple of years after that.
To be honest it was the best thing I ever did for myself, it helped me to carve out my own identity without being constantly smothered by her and all her issues all the time (she was an alcoholic). Things have been getting better since I got pregnant with my daughter a couple of years ago, she was also diagnosed with cancer last year so I'm glad that our estrangement wasn't permanent, but I definitely don't regret that it happened.
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AzzaNZ
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Posted: 07 July 2011 at 7:53am |
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With us, its my MIL.
We've had no contact whatsoever in 12 years and she has never met our children (I don't think she knows we have children).
She and her husband physically abused my DH when he was a child. She's a sociopath and we agreed before having children that if we ever had them they'd never have contact with her. It keeps them safe.
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kiwiking
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Posted: 08 July 2011 at 1:54pm |
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DH has tried to not speak to one of his brothers.
They fell out shortly before I met DH and it was some seven years before they spoke to each other (and even then it wasn't pleasant).
He's a narcissist and I'm pretty sure a psychopath as well (recent explanations re stories of Clayton Weaterston and Malcolm Webster ring true to him in his traits).
We would both rather have nothing to do with him and I'm pretty sure he feels the same about us.
DH has another brother who he has little contact with (for money reasons primarily - investment turned sour DH lost $10k but his brother doesn't see how he is at fault - it was his company).
And as for his mother, well I think she sometimes means well but she has a funny way of showing it. She never tells us anything we should know when it comes to the family, we're always the last to find things out.
DH won't tell her we're UTD and instead will wait until we see her again (most likly Christmas when I'll be huge) and then he'll play the "I thought you knew card" back at her.
My fmaily are okay.
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’extinguishing’ a family member
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