Expectations

Branching off from another thread, I am interested to hear what expectations you have on you as a mother ie. from our culture/society, from family members, peers, partners or from yourself?

What do you tell yourself you "should" be able to do as a mother?

I am interested to know because I write a newsletter that goes out to mothers with post-natal depression and this is the topic I'd like to write on this month. I think it's really interesting as I DO think it can contribute to PND and stop women from getting the help they need because they feel guilty or ashamed about getting help.

P.S. If anyone is interested in receiving this newsletter you're welcome to PM your email address.

I'm very lucky in that there were never any expectations put on me. Apart from having a girl 25 years after I was born lol.

My mother quietly helped, never forced her opinion on me, I had a very supportive & non judgemental plunket nurse. In-laws so far away that they don't count.

So I just got on with it.

I breastfeed cause I didn't think that there was any other way of doing it, I'm not sure what would have happened if I couldn't, when I couldn't express for the work day feeds I just gave her caregiver formula. There was never any discussion about it.

I cloth nappied with flats & covers for a period of time. I did get one person saying wonder how long you'll keep that up but it was until work life balance became to hard, she was an internet friend so it didn't make much impact on my choice.

My only peers were my coffee group & I don't' recall any pressure from them.

The only pressure I did feel was that I was supposed to go back to work at 3 months, before her birth I was happy with that but when it came to finding a place when she was 6 weeks old it was awful so I reassessed & got an extra couple of months, gave me enough time to get my head around it.

It was more financial pressure that got to me, I remember seeing the petrol prices rising & I'd start crying, I remember a screaming child in the back seat & I thought of how easy it would be to drive into a tree. I worked with my DH to solve the financial thing by adjusting some of our finances, as she grew the crying part stopped so those feelings went away, I can't think of specific how else I got out of it, I didn't talk to people about it til much later on. It also helped my carer moved & she was closer to my home.

These days I'm more resigned to the financial difficulties as my DH is now a builder & the work situation sucks so I don't get so wound up about it.

as an expectant mother I have days when others expectations just drift off me and I don't let them bother me, other days (the more hormonal ones) I get really sensitive about it

not sure why people feel the need to tell other what they should and shouldn't be doing - my family have been amazing and even though it must be killing my mother they are embracing all my decisions and not expecting me to do anything except what I will feel is necessary or right for me and baby

other people - not so shy in their expectations - maybe it's because I am training to be an early childhood teacher or because I am an older first time mum or because I will be a single mum but people feel the need to criticize or tell me what I should be doing all the time

for example when I decided to have an amnio I was called uncaring of my baby and why should I force something so invasive on my child - personally I had my reasons, I was deemed higher risk and I was doing it for my baby not against her

and I won't even begin to discuss baby carrying and breastfeeding and sleeping routines - have had so much 'advice' on that I'm almost ready to slap the next person who tells me I have to do what they want me to do

will be interesting to see how I feel about expectations when baby is here and is a few months old

I think my main expectations I put on myself - and most of them were very unrealistic! I had always intended on being a stay home mum and had the `ideal' that I would be in my mind. As someone who had trained as a chef, my child was never going to have processed foods, but now some days I have to accept that the only thing she is going to eat is potato sticks.
I love my coffee group and they never put pressure or expectations on me as such, but at the beginning I felt awkward going along as they all seemed to be handling every thing so well and my baby had reflux and colic and I had a nightmare starting breastfeeding. As soon as she got into full on cry at CG I would just leave.

I agree that it is a huge cause of PND and changing my perceptions on who I want to be as a mum is helping me with my pre-natal depression.

For me it was other people putting expectations or opinions on me. My DH and mother were amazing and supportive, but so many other people like inlaws, friends, friends of friends insisted on telling me I was doing things wrong. One woman grabbed DD off me when she was a couple of weeks old and tried showing me how to burp her properly, for one this woman doesn't have kids and two there wasn't an issue with burping. Being told that she needs to be given a bottle by some, bf by others, she was too hot and I dressed her too warm, I should have had her in her own room from the beginning, it was all this crap that made me feel inadequate as a mother. I'm much stronger now and if I ever have another I will definitely tell people where to go if they tried that again.

The main pressure i get is to do the housework more than I do, especially from my MIL.

Other than that I've Breastfed my child as I wanted to with noone naysaying it and the one older person who asked me when I was putting her on the bottle, I kindly explained she was far too young to be weaned off...
She slept through early on but I quite a few people do ask about it when you have a young baby. I used to just say she was a good feeder and sleeper (which for the age she was she WAS) even if the sleep was only 4 hours at a time lol.

I think that I should be able to keep a clean house and have a good nutritious dinner on the table each night, this doesn't happen all the time and I feel guilty about it. I think its because I'm not earning that I feel like I need to do something for my dh so I am "worthy" of being able to stay home while he has to work.

I think a big contributor to PND is the difference between expectations and reality. The expectations I faced we generated by me, read stuff about people being able give their baby expressed milk and have a day off, saw Mums getting back into sport with a newborn etc - this didn't happen for me and the disappointment was crushing.

I think also from the stuff I read i got the self expectation that to raise I well adjusted child I had to basically glue myself to her 24/7. Felt massive guilt when she went to her room for sleep so could get some too.

This time around I don't care what anyone else says well be doing what works for us, afterall in the end that's what I have had to do already and we have a beautiful happy girl, so I must be doing somethign right.

JoJames wrote: I think that I should be able to keep a clean house and have a good nutritious dinner on the table each night, this doesn't happen all the time and I feel guilty about it. I think its because I'm not earning that I feel like I need to do something for my dh so I am "worthy" of being able to stay home while he has to work.

Exactly what I would have said!!! DH will thank me for doing something and I will reply "well I don't have a real job so I better earn my keep".

First time round I expected and it was expected of me that I would breast feed my baby. The fact that I couldn't, put me into such a funk. I was in so much physical and emotional pain that when DD cried for another feed I thought about putting a pillow over her face so I wouldn't have to put her to the breast. However, because of the pressure I received from MWs, mum, and myself I could see no alternative to BFing. Thankfully one midwife snapped me out of it by telling me it was ok to bottle feed.

There is a huge pressure to BF and I feel this is sometimes dangerous for the mental health of new mums.

I had a thought now that I'm working a bit and considering putting the kids into childcare.
I fully expected that I would be a SAHM and would enjoy it and be happy that my kids didn't have to go into care. But you know what? I love going to work and getting some time out from the kids, its amazing. I really don't think I'm cut out to be a full-time SAHM. I definately feel guilty about this.