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Dilemmas 
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Joined: 11 May 2011
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 Topic: Help!! Advice please - separating
Posted: 11 May 2011 at 4:11pm |
I am really wanting some advice and/or opinions. I am a longtime poster of OB but have created another user name for privacy reasons.
I am thinking of leaving my husband  I have been pretty unhappy for awhile now and I dont think he is happy either to be honest but I will need to be the one to do something about it. I am feeling really scared and worried about how I will cope financially and even whether I can, we have 3 children so it isnt just me I need to consider. I would appreciate any advice from anyone who has been there, what I need to do re Winz etc and anything else that might be helpful, this is such a horrible feeling! 
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myfullhouse
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Joined: 29 July 2007
Location: West Auckland
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Posted: 11 May 2011 at 4:31pm |
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Hi Dilemmas, sorry to hear that you are in this situation. I cannot help I am sorry but didn't want to read and run. I would suggest posting in the Single Parenting section, I am sure that they will be able to help you. all the best!
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jazzy
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Joined: 16 January 2009
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Posted: 11 May 2011 at 4:37pm |
Anyway you can make thing they way they were? Can the sparks be found again? Or is it over or a rough patch?
If you can then I would sit down & talk it out with him.
I can imagined how scary the thought of leaving a marriage with 3 kids would be 
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nathansmummy
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Posted: 11 May 2011 at 5:36pm |
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Have you tried marriage counselling? I always think something like a marriage is worth working on especially if there are kids involved. Then you can say that you gave it your best shot. Often it takes a 3rd party like a counsellor to really get anywhere otherwise if you were able to resolve the issues yourselves you would have by now!
What are the main issues?
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Nothing
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Joined: 05 June 2009
Location: Nelson
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Posted: 11 May 2011 at 7:04pm |
I would try counselling first to see what you both have to say about your marriage. You will soon work out between yourselves if you want to continue or not, its worth a shot. Good luck and hugs 
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happymumma
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Posted: 11 May 2011 at 7:08pm |
Dilemmas like the others I'm really sorry you are going through this. I guess there are two strands to my thinking:
Number 1: If you are both miserable have you talked about it? If you are both miserable but both still love each other and would like to work on it then try the Family Court counselling or some other counselling option. The other thing I've heard about recently is the Marriage course that seems to be offered alongside some of the Mainly Music courses. I don't know where in the country you are or whether it's offered everywhere but I have heard from a few people I know that it is really worthwhile. I think this probably only really works if you are both wanting to make a go of things.
Number 2: Regardless of whether you are definitely leaving or not, phone WINZ. and explore all your financial / living options. When I separated I was back paid things like the accommodation supplement to the date I first made contact with them (a huge help at the time). See if you can make an appointment to find out how much financial help would be available to you and weigh up all options like working part time vs DPB etc. I found it really helpful to essentially work out my 'single' budget before I did anything. Don't forget things like the childcare supplement when you talk to WINZ too.
My children were very small when I went through this (I have two) and although it was sometimes quite hard it was the right thing for me and that kept me going. If it turns out to be the right option for you, take all the help offered and lean on those people who care about you. It gets easier with time. If you decide to stay and see if things can improve then I wish you all the very, very best (actually I wish that either way!). I hope things work out for you.
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emz
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Posted: 11 May 2011 at 8:28pm |
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I would say try marriage counselling too - as Dr Phil says (that man can talk some sense), you need to earn your way out of a marriage. There's a reason you got married, so try as hard as you can to rekindle the relationship.
We went through a bloody rough patch like this (except the shoe was on the other foot), and it turned out that although we were both miserable and thought we'd be better off without each other, after counselling and a LOT of talking, we realised it just wasn't the case. 2 years down the track and happier than ever.
If your relationship can't be put back on track, then definitely do some research to see how you will cope financially, and what support networks you will have around you. How much involvement do you think your husband would have with the kids?
If you can, try not to go on the DPB - any child support received goes straight to the govt, and if you can find a part time job, then with childcare subs and WFF you will be so much more better off (and from a mother that spends most of her married life alone, just saying that you will need to get out of the house or the kids would drive you crazy!)
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busymum
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Posted: 12 May 2011 at 6:54pm |
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You can get free counselling referrals through the Family Court, just fill in a form, you don't need to 'sue' him first or anything like that and anything said in the counsellor's room is confidential. Maybe you've just reached an T intersection and this is your optimum time to work out how to make it better. No marriage is easy, it's how we weather the tough stuff that really makes it blossom.
All the very best!
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Help!! Advice please - separating
