Talking about death with kids?

First - I am very sorry to hear about your FIL mummydee, even when someone has been I'll for a while it is still very sad .
I haven't had to have the conversation yet but my dad was very sick before Christmas and for a couple of weeks it was touch and go. We talked to Amy about how I'll Papa was.
I also bough them "old Huhu" and it is very good. It explains different thoughts on what happens to someone after they die.

I'm very sorry about your FIL.

I think you explain it to them how it is. Say that he was very sick and that his body wouldn't work anymore and that although they won't be able to see him he will still be around in everyones memories. Apparently you explain that they are burried in the ground etc as unlike adults children take death as a matter of fact and learn from it rather than an emotional experience as it is for us.

I guess the key is to make sure they understand he was old and sick so that they don't think that everytime someone gets sick they are going to die.

B was 5y 1m when MIL died, and we'd not long before that lost our cat to a hit and run... we'd had the cat cremated (couldnt bury him as it was a rental house) so in a way that kind of paved the way to him undertsanding that when MIL died, she was gone, but still here in the way we remembered her, and she too was cremated, so he understood that the box we saw her in at the funeral (we chose to let him see her as it was open casket at funeral home, but they kindly put a lace netting curtain thing over so 'blur' the details. That way he could see she wasnt in pain anymore, and that she was at peace) was put in a special fire, and then we could take home a special little box with her ashes in.

We chose not to word it as she'd gone to 'sleep' as we didnt want him getting scared about going to bed and not waking up himself. Instead we told him that nana had been sick for a while with a special sick that only old people get (not exactly the case as cancer hits anyone, age regardless, but we didnt want him freaking out the next time he got a cold etc), and her body couldnt cope with how sick she was, and it was time to say goodbye one last time. A close friend of ours (his preschool manager at the time)told him to look out for the biggest brightest star he could find at night when he was missing her, and that would be his nana watching out for him.

We decided not to lie to him, in fact we were very honest, BUT we told him the truth as simply as possible so he could understand. He coped surprisingly well, a few tears after he realised that she wasnt going to come back, and that he'd never physically see her again, but otherwise he took it in his stride, and coped better than us adults at the funeral!

Sorry about your loss, no matter how expected it is, its still hard when you get the call to say they are gone and that a life has ended.

Sorry about your loss. It is hard being the mum as you have your DH and the kids to worry about. Take care of yourself as well.

I have found the kids don't really want a lot of information. Keep it simple and plain. Grandad was sick and died last night. He won't be around here anymore. Daddy and I might be sad for a while. Leave it open for questions. If they ask more questions answer them plain and easily. Kids are more accepting of these things than we give them credit for most of the time. They will be more upset that you guys are sad than the loss of the grandparent normally. That is not to say that you can't be sad and have to put on a happy face because that it not what happens and they need to understand that feeling sad is part of the process.

Sorry for your loss.

I think the others have some good points. Darling son wasn't around when dad died, but a friend had a daughter who was really close to him, so we just let her know that he'd gone to be a star in the sky. She still talks about him being a star in the sky and that was four years ago. DS who is 18 months old is being brought up with us talking about his Poppa who is a star in the sky.

Something to be mindful of is the way kids are quite literal with their thinking. My cousin asked where dad was (she was about 7) and her mum told her he was in the wardrobe. For ages, she was scared of the wardrobe - it was only when she asked why he was hanging on a coathanger with the clothes that we realised she didn't click, so had to show her the box of ashes.

Sorry to hear this, hope you and DH are doing ok

We recently had this talk with my Harry cos DH's aunty passed away. We got out several books from the library (they were very helpful and gave us everything they had on the topic!). My fave one was "I miss you - a first look at death" by Pat Thomas.

We talked lots about how often people are really sad cos they miss the person who died, but they're happy that they're not in pain or hurting anymore (especially in our case, as it was lung cancer she'd been sick for a while). So we talked a lot about how Grandma might be really sad and might cry (it was her best friend) and how we can hug her to make her feel a bit better and talk about what we remember about Aunty. Because of our beliefs, we also talked about how she had gone to heaven to be with Jesus.

Because we went to the tangi, we also prepared him for seeing his body - talking about how we were going to go and see Aunty, but that she couldn't talk or play with us cos she was dead. That it would look like she was sleeping but she wasn't. But that we could talk with her and sit with her. Harry was totally fine with being around her body and would talk about her and stuff.

This was about a month ago - then yesterday he found a cicada in the backyard and asked what it was.. so I told him it was a dead cicada. After about an hour of carrying it around and floating it in water and on leaves and stuff (lol) he told me he was gonna bury it so the cicada could go and see Jesus!

So yeah I think just lots of talking about it like you've done - and the books are really helpful in processing it too. Really recommend "I miss you"

ETA: Also it could be helpful to get the kids to draw a picture or make a card for Grandad - and if they want, they could tell you some of their favourite memories of Grandad and you could write them down. We did this for my Grandad when he died (I was 7) and I remember the minister acknowledging us grandkids, and reading out some of the stuff on the cards that we'd put on the casket. And tell them about what will happen at the funeral so that they'll know what to expect.

Edited by arohanui

Raspberryjam wrote: I guess your own child's personality would come into account if you were to show them the body - personally I wouldn't unless the child was say 10 or quite mature for their age

And also what they're used to - around the Marae it's very normal to have the body there, everyone sitting around it and telling stories and singing songs. I like how it's normalised as a part of life and death. Because my boys are part Maori, we'll be bringing them up with this tradition.

I'm not Maori, but when my Grandad died when I was 7, my parents asked if I wanted to see his body. I think this was a good way to go about it, cos it left the ball in my court. I chose to see his body (though definitely didn't want to kiss him when my Grandma said I could ), I think mainly cos I was curious. My 9 year old sister chose not to see him. And it was handled in a way that both our decisions were okay

We have had alot of illness and death over the past few years so its not a "taboo" subject and conversation around it happens quite organically.
Now my eldest is 5 1/2 I don't talk in too much detail as at this age and beyond they start getting very active imaginations and get scared about stuff. He has becoem quite fixated on when his dad and I die and I remember being the same as a wee tacker so i am quite mindful of it.
I'm a catholic and my kids go to a catholic pre school and school and we have had a couple of parents die in the past year or so, so it has become a topic of conversation and they know we (the families and extended communities of the school and parish) are sad and we let them see that, however it gives them (and us) comfort that "X" is with Jesus because their bodies were broken and and Drs her couldn't do any more for them and Jesus can fix them but it means they have to stay there.
I think honesty is important however I wouldn't just say Oh X was sick and died cos you don't want to freak them out about being sick IYGWIM?
I also think younger children are easier to explain and accept it easier. My Dad died when MY 5 YO was 18 months old and he talks about Poppy all the time..when one of the mums form school died this time last year he said very wisely..Oh Mama it is so sad for us that Bens Mum died, but she will see our Poppy in heaven and he will help her to find friends and show her where Jesus is and she will be ok.