New Posts New Posts RSS Feed - Finding peace with your birth experience
  FAQ FAQ  Forum Search   Events   Register Register  Login Login


Forum LockedFinding peace with your birth experience

 Post Reply Post Reply
Author
Vanillabean View Drop Down
Senior Member
Senior Member
Avatar

Joined: 17 January 2008
Location: Wellington
Points: 462
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Vanillabean Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Topic: Finding peace with your birth experience
    Posted: 23 December 2010 at 6:46pm
A close friend of mine gave birth this week, which has made me think a lot about my own birth experience in April this year.

I really wanted a natural birth and I had this sort of belief that if I tried and planned hard enough I would get it. I had a homebirth mid-wife and went to a pro-natural birth antenatal class. I planned not to have pain relief to minimise the possibility of an intervention cascade.

But, Riley was in the wrong position and got stuck and after 17 hours of active labour I had a c-section. I reacted to the drugs so that during and in the first moments after his birth I was shaking and vomiting. They did skin to skin and breast feeding straight away but I was still numb from the drugs and couldn't feel anything. The first few days in hospital were awful as I couldn't move properly to look after my baby, my DH wasn't allowed to stay overnight to help and Riley lost over 10% of his body weight due to milk supply issues that were never resolved.

I know that my experience wasn't that bad as far as these things go and I came out of it with a healthy baby which not everyone does. Still, I have unresolved emotions about the whole thing.

For other people that didn't get the birth experience that they wanted or expected or who experienced trauma - how did you come to terms with it and how long did it take?
5x mc, Jan 08, June 08, Nov 08, May 09, April 11


Back to Top
Sponsored Links


Back to Top
Bizzy View Drop Down
Senior Member
Senior Member


Joined: 01 January 1900
Location: New Zealand
Points: 10974
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Bizzy Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 23 December 2010 at 8:13pm
i think talking to friends about it helps. i remember once having coffee with some girlfriends and it must have been maybe a year after my last baby and when i was talking to one lady all this anger and bitterness came out about the birth... and i didnt even know i was carrying it around. To me though i had always thought that a c section would be the worst possible outcome and once i had my baby i realised that i was wrong. I had a healthy beautiful baby and despite my fears i was alive to enjoy her too!
Back to Top
Whateversville View Drop Down
Senior Member
Senior Member


Joined: 18 October 2009
Points: 4293
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Whateversville Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 23 December 2010 at 8:20pm
I still haven't. But like you my baby was born in April and it still feels so fresh. Ithink about my birth alot and imagine it going other ways..I honestly don't think I'll ever get over it to be honest It wasn't a reall bad birth but for me was quite traumatic.
I'm starting to think about it less and less as the time goes on but yeah it still irks me.
Back to Top
newme View Drop Down
Senior Member
Senior Member
Avatar

Joined: 11 January 2009
Location: Christchurch
Points: 703
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote newme Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 23 December 2010 at 8:33pm
I am struggling with my birth experience. DS1 was c-section due to breech position, and he was quite large (I seriously considered delivering vaginally but couldn't find anyone who would do it).

With DS2, I did everything possible to try to have a natural home birth. I mean, I took all sorts of natural pills and potions to assist and prepare my body for labour, I had a birth pool all ready, a great midwife, and a total belief that it was going to happen. And it didn't. I had another c-section, after a week of irregular but very painful contractions. The surgeon told me I have a very small pelvis and doesn't believe I could ever deliver a baby naturally.

I tell myself that the birth was a great result - I have a healthy baby, and at least I know now that I tried my hardest, but my body is just not right for delivering babies But I still feel sad, and a real sense of loss. I would like to experience labour and natural birth, and I probably never will.

I think it is best to think about the good things (like a healthy baby), and accept what has happened. Talking about it is good. I hope you find peace with it, and if you have another baby and that goes well, that might help heal you.
Back to Top
Disco View Drop Down
Senior Member
Senior Member


Joined: 28 May 2008
Points: 211
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Disco Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 23 December 2010 at 9:07pm
I totally relate to this. Did all the prep for a natural delivery. Had convinced myself it would definitely happen.

It didn't, if anything it was so far from it. I ended up having a crash C section so wasn't even awake when my baby entered the world :(

I was pretty devastated. Took me a good bit of time to get over it. I went to see kinesiologist in the end and she helped me resolve my feelings. I'm still disappointed the way it went but it doesn't hurt the way it did every time I thought about it. I guess at the end of it, a healthy happy baby is all that matters :)

She was big, 4.5kg and very long with a big head, i'm 5ft 2 with small hips so thinking about it, possibly could have done more damage coming out naturally. who knows???? i guess it's just the way it the cookie crumbles.

i hope you find peace with your experience :)

disco
Back to Top
shadowfeet View Drop Down
Senior Member
Senior Member
Avatar

Joined: 03 December 2008
Points: 1217
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote shadowfeet Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 23 December 2010 at 9:56pm

I still havn't come to terms with it properly, and I am so scared that things will turn out the same way 2nd time around. I really don't know how well I'd cope with that. What I struggled with was being separated from DD after birth, I never saw any pics of where she was taken at first in neonates. When I was allowed out of bed a couple days later she had been moved to a different room.


Back to Top
Happy lady View Drop Down
Senior Member
Senior Member


Joined: 04 January 2010
Location: Karaka, Auckland
Points: 533
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Happy lady Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 23 December 2010 at 10:33pm
I am stil lso terribly traumatised by my birth... so much so that I would be happy just to have my one child!!! (I always wanted 3)

I had a 4.8kg baby, and laboured for 15 hours then needed a c-section as they decided he wasnt going to fit, so gave me an epidural, and nearly opened me up while i could still feel everything, and then tried a spinal block, and again I could still feel everything, so put me under general anesthetic, and opened me up too quickly so I was aware of what was happening, and that it hurt...........ahhhhhhh horrible horrible...

I really hope for my DH sake that I can heal from this experience, but I honestly just dont know....

im up for any advice too if anyone has some....

xx


Back to Top
Shezamumof3 View Drop Down
Senior Member
Senior Member


Joined: 14 April 2007
Points: 10096
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Shezamumof3 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 23 December 2010 at 10:59pm
2.5 years on I am now fine with my "crappy" birth experience with DS. I just talked about it a lot, read over my notes a lot...and am really just thankful that DS is here safe and sound!
His labour was long, 48 hours all up(from first contraction), and I had a lot of problems through out, it was stressful and very scary. He was born via emerg CS in the end, I lost heaps of blood and needed a transfusion, and then my bowls kinda stopped working, so I had xrays and stuff, which was really scary, luckily that came right. I had a long painful recovery as well, and then when DS was 5 months old I fell pregnant!
DD's birth was an elective CS and it was lovely compaired to DS's birth, so I feel better knowing I have had one good birth exerience even if it was still a CS.

DS was 9lb 8oz and DD was 8lb 3oz

Edited by Sheza

Back to Top
Disco View Drop Down
Senior Member
Senior Member


Joined: 28 May 2008
Points: 211
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Disco Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 24 December 2010 at 11:58am
Reading this thread has made me feel really sad. It's such a shame that some of us have to have such horrible experiences at a time that should be so much different.

I would highly recommend if your still having problems dealing with your birth experience to go a speak to someone. There are professional people out there that can really help. I would start with your doctor or plunket nurse. They should be able to point you in the right direction.

for me kinesiology helped lots but I am nervous about having another baby as I really don't want to go through that again!

Disco
Back to Top
Vanillabean View Drop Down
Senior Member
Senior Member
Avatar

Joined: 17 January 2008
Location: Wellington
Points: 462
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Vanillabean Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 24 December 2010 at 6:33pm
I too feel sad reading this and seeing there are so many people in the same boat as me and many who had very traumatic experiences.

My DH and I are about to start ttc#2 (if we ever manage to find the time, privacy and energy to BD). Because of my age and fertility history we are trying sooner than we are probably ready to although most likely it will take many months at least to conceive a viable pregnancy.

I guess if I do end up with a well-established pregnancy it will be important to do things like get my notes from the birth.
5x mc, Jan 08, June 08, Nov 08, May 09, April 11


Back to Top
High9 View Drop Down
Senior Member
Senior Member
Avatar

Joined: 14 July 2009
Location: North Island
Points: 6750
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote High9 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 24 December 2010 at 10:26pm
Mine is more after my birth and my time in hospital, Or more the first night, I was very tired having been up for almost 2 days straight, DD was born rather late and I had heard of others being allowed to have their partners stay. MW said she thought it'd be OK, although I was in a shared room, mw said it was dead quiet on the ward and was unlikely I'd have anyone come and join me. But when we arrived to postnatal ward DP was asked immediately to leave due to visiting hours being over. He got to spend maybe an hour max with her? But barely that because my mum and MIL came after the birth for cuddles and a nosey at DD...

The following day he came as soon as he could but unfortunately word got round that DD had come a week early so we had every Tom, Dick and Harry show up so again he never really got much of a chance with DD, when he did it was the ward shut down for nap/rest time so again he was asked to leave...

I think it really affected his bonding with DD and they missed out on some crucial time together because I know DP found it a bit hard to bond once we got home. I know that's normal, but I think it would have happened a bit quicker had he been allowed to stay (which is what we both would have liked) but having had an epi I had to stay over night at least just to be on the safe side of the side effects etc.

Having said all that, I feel very blessed that my birth went to plan - to go with the flow. And I feel for anyone who has had a traumatic birth.
Back to Top
blossombaby View Drop Down
Senior Member
Senior Member
Avatar

Joined: 03 October 2009
Location: Windy Welly.
Points: 387
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote blossombaby Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 24 December 2010 at 10:50pm
i had a super traumatic birth .... still not ready to come to terms with it or read my birth notes! just so glad my dd daughter is here now!
Back to Top
fadeless View Drop Down
Senior Member
Senior Member
Avatar

Joined: 26 July 2007
Location: Tauranga
Points: 141
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote fadeless Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 26 December 2010 at 10:27am
My first birth was no where near what i had planned! I had planned on a homebirth, hired a pool and waited. Got to 8 days overdue and told i had to go to the hospital for monitoring, ended up with Ob coming in and saying they were going to induce me in 2 days and i had a high chance of a c-section because DD wasnt decended into my pelvis, i tried to refuse but the more i said no the more the OB came back with excuses as to why it had to be done. I gave up in the end. I started contracting the next day, went most of the day with no progress and at 8pm my midwife asked if i wanted to go to the hospital to move things along, not knowing the snowball affect of inductions i agreed and i ended up with a very unhappy baby, i got a fever and had a c-section at 4am, she was 7lbs 12oz. My midwife said after the birth that my pelvis was 'probably too small', i never believed that, i think it was just somethig she said to make me feel better. Recovery was horrible i cried each night DH left and breastfeeding didnt work. My emotional healing took a while but a huge turning point was when i gave birth to my 2nd daughter 13mths after my c/s and was a VBAC and she was 9lbs! My next birth which was a homebirth (and 18 days overdue) was when i let all the negative thoughts about the c/s go and i felt more at peace with what happened and that i couldnt have changed anything at the time. The best thing to come out of my c/s was my beautiful daughter and i have learnt a lot in my journey to have the birth i have always imagined.
DD 9 ~ DD 8 ~ DS 7 ~ DS 5 ~ DS 2 ~ DS 14mths ~ DD 3mths
Back to Top
MrsEmma View Drop Down
Senior Member
Senior Member
Avatar

Joined: 19 March 2009
Points: 2769
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote MrsEmma Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 26 December 2010 at 5:00pm
I had a traumatic birth, I hate thinking about it, I haven't read my notes and don't plan to and looking at pics of DS on his first few days with all the tubes in his incubator brings back so many memories that I find them hard to look at. But every time I look at DS I am reminded that things happened the way they did for a reason and should I not have had the crash c-section and the GA - he may not be here. I still find it hard when thinking about next time and feared getting UTD again!

However, I'm now UTD and I have a new mw (a fantastic one!) and plan to have a VBAC, I'm hoping a good experience and keeping an open mind as to what will happen, will help me get over my last birth.


Back to Top
Nutella View Drop Down
Senior Member
Senior Member
Avatar

Joined: 01 January 1900
Location: Christchurch
Points: 2550
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Nutella Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 26 December 2010 at 5:40pm
I had a placental abrubtion during labour which resulted in c sect....I still get teary about it now, but have talked a bit about it...tho sometimes I wish I could spend all day talking about it but there isn't that much detail....I guess I mean I wish I could dwell on it for a long length of time ya know!

I'm just so grateful my little fellow arrived safely but I sure know that next pregnancy is gonna be scary.



Oct 11
Back to Top
T_Rex View Drop Down
Senior Member
Senior Member
Avatar

Joined: 07 March 2007
Location: PN
Points: 2896
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote T_Rex Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 27 December 2010 at 1:53pm
I'm in this club too. I found hanging out in weegee's VBAC thread (even though I didn't have a ceasar in the end) really healing. And talking to the few people who *get* it helps too. And time helps too, of course. On the plus side I have a beautiful daughter, and things could have gone better, but they could have been a lot worse too.

Hugs to you, it stinks to be robbed of what should be awesome.
Back to Top
ElfsMum View Drop Down
Senior Member
Senior Member
Avatar

Joined: 04 June 2007
Location: Christchurch
Points: 11702
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote ElfsMum Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 27 December 2010 at 9:08pm
i took a long time to even realise i had issues with my birth experience.. having my second baby helped me get over a lot of it really..even though that didnt go according to plan either cause of the silly hospital but we wont go there:)

My second mw was very good in asking to talk about things and go over things had issues with and I think if my first had been like that the whole thing would have been resolved quicker.. I was unprepared for the vomiting etc(i never do) and how sore after the c section adn the general hardness of having a new born as well and all that was a shock as well as the actual birth ...I felt like you that i was lucky to have such a wonderful gift but people were like..oh you shouldn't complain..and I was like..well I just fell this way so..deal with it:)

so I know sortof how you feel even though i didnt have my heart set on natural birth I def can understand how the needing to find peace part comes about.
Mum to two amazing boys!
Back to Top
weeheebaby View Drop Down
Senior Member
Senior Member
Avatar

Joined: 05 April 2010
Points: 801
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote weeheebaby Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 28 December 2010 at 1:20pm
Sometimes it just takes lots and lots of time. With our second birth (just weeks ago now) I was so amped and ready to deliver naturally, had even planned on taking an epidural to make it all the way....

But sometimes things just don't go as planned. For me the 2nd unplanned unwanted c-section has brought healing in that I believe everything happens for a reason. In brief, I couldn't have an epi as the oncall anethetists were both busy. When the decision to c-section was made I was excited as it would mean no more contrations. (I was already having complications with meconium and baby's heart rate). But the c-section was delayed slightly due to theatre team being busy (sunday afternoon). We found out the day after Nathan was delivered that all of our delays were due to a very serious resuscitation situation in the theatre. It didn't go well and the patient sadly passed away. The theatre team were all extremely distressed, some never having had a patient die before and being quiet young in their careers. So for some of them to witness my baby being born was a miracle, a real necessary miracle to keep them going in what they do. Each person in the team came to visit me in recovery to see nathan. One of the nurses asked after him days later..... Moral of my story - whilst I was ready to be devestated about Nathan's arrival, the fact that it brought hope to someone in much greater need has helped heal me a little.

And telling your story a lot helps too. Writing it down, every detail you can remember, has helped me.
Back to Top
T_Rex View Drop Down
Senior Member
Senior Member
Avatar

Joined: 07 March 2007
Location: PN
Points: 2896
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote T_Rex Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 28 December 2010 at 7:08pm
Originally posted by weeheebaby weeheebaby wrote:


And telling your story a lot helps too. Writing it down, every detail you can remember, has helped me.


I agree with this.

I also found the hardest moments when several people close to me had the kind of birth that I'd planned for. I kept getting emails at work letting me know the happy news, and on more than one occasion, I locked my office door and cried. But even doing that was healing. Like you, I'd done everything I could both mentally and physically to enable a good birth and was gutted that that wasn't enough. I felt quite let down by my body for some time.

I also wanted to get pregnant again just so I could do it right, not so much because I wanted another baby. I'm not TTC yet (soon hopefully) but it's really nice to feel like now I want to TTC for the baby, not the birth, you know? So time and talking have been big healers for me.

ETA: Also talking to DH a lot, and making a plan for next time, so that the things that went wrong this time, that I had some control over, won't happen again, but also understanding more fully that sometimes all the best plans in the world can't compete with nature, and stubborn little babies with plans of their own

Edited by T_Rex
Back to Top
fire_engine View Drop Down
Senior Member
Senior Member


Joined: 03 November 2007
Points: 6260
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote fire_engine Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 28 December 2010 at 8:39pm
Strangely, I didn't find my birth traumatic till about a year after it happened - I think as I started to process what happened (or didn't happen), I gradually started to realise that my care *wasn't* OK.

I found my second PG and birth really healing. My new MW and I spent many of the sessions talking about the last experience - why things did/didn't happen, how she'd manage the same situation ... I also did heaps of reading (including weegee's VBAC thread, even though I didn't have a CS), was at a friend's normal birth, wrote a 4 page bullet pointed birth plan that went through all the different possibilities and how I would like them to be managed ... I also had a really good birth. Same induction issues but because I had a really onto it LMC, really good communication and Plans A, B and C, I felt it went really well.
Mum to two wee boys
Back to Top
 Post Reply Post Reply

Forum Jump Forum Permissions View Drop Down

Forum Software by Web Wiz Forums® version 11.10
Copyright ©2001-2017 Web Wiz Ltd.

This page was generated in 1.203 seconds.