A little help please

Hi girls

First off, I want to say I am a long-time poster on here, but wanted some anonymity on this post.

I want some thoughts from you all about if you think my DH is subtly trying to manipulate me. I know his mother is very good at doing this to people, and is very good with how she words things, and my Dh has this same talent (would make a good lawyer or politican). He can turn anything around to make it my fault, and if I have an issue with something he does, somehow it's still my fault. It's only on small matters that I think he's manipulating me, but nonetheless, I am a strong person who can't stand the thought of someone else getting into my head and controlling me.

The issue at the moment is just that I'm feeling like I need more time for myself. We have a number of children and some are pre-school, so at home a lot. I wanted to go to the movies with a friend yesterday but he said I couldn't go because he had office work he needed to do as he's really busy with work. So if he's in the office, he can't be looking after the children at the same time. I was angry because it was a Sunday and I KNEW he wouldn't end up doing any work, but leaving it til today instead. And I was right. He did nothing in the afternoon but watch t.v. If he didn't want me to go because he wanted to spend time with me, that's ok. But lying about needing to work in order to keep me home I find it infuriating.

It seems he has this thing about me going out and spending time away from him and the kids. He says he never stops me from going on girls nights or the like, but when I do, I pay for it later by him being grumpy at me and it's like I'm being punished for going out. On the weekends if I want to get things at the shops without taking any of the kids he's ok with that, but if I'm gone for too long he's ringing me asking how long I'll be, when there is no reason for me to get home quickly, it just seems he just wants me to always be at home.

He's not controlling in the sense that he wants to know where I am at every minute of the day, and I have complete control over what I get up too in that regard, but come the weekend he doesn't like me going out, without him. When i told him yesterday I needed some time out for myself, he started an arguement today telling me I needed to suck it up, and do more around the house instead of being on the net all the time (not the case), and that I complained of needing time for myself to go to the movies, that I need to be home to support him as he's so busy with work.

So I'm just feeling confused on the matter really.

I'll be honest in saying that I don't really like him going out without me the weekend, but I don't stop him. But he doesn't go out much anyway, hasn't in a long time. But he thinks I do stop him from going out and he's got no friends because it. The reason he has no friends is because he never wanted to go out and when invited he'd turn the offer down. So now he doesn't get invited out much. We are very family orientated, and he says he only needs his family and I'm his best friend. But when he then goes and tells me I'm the one to blame for him having no friends, it frustrates me.

Help!

edited to make sense.

Edited by MrsMa

if he was going to be working in the office and then lay onthe couch watching tv thats not minipulaiton, thats just lying!

I had to say to my husband that its not that i dont want to spend weekends with him, its that i want to have time away from the kids and being mum! he used to get upset if i did stuff on his days off until i let him know it wasnt him i was avoiding!

Thanks heaps girls for your replies, it means a lot.

I have been trying to log on all afternoon but only just managed to now, and just when child needs attention, so I'll be back tomorrow. Thanks.

I guess I'm quite weary of being manipulated being that his mother is so good at doing it to people. I don't think he's doing it to be evil, as his mother would though.

I guess I should just sit down with him and talk things over about how important it is for me to have time out, as a mum definitely needs that time away from the children. It's hard work always being on call and having to constantly be on guard and running around after kids. It's doing my head in at the moment. Some adult time free from children does wonders.

My3sons, I see the net as my outlet to see what's going on with the rest of the world, and coming on here gives me a bit of sanity with having a bit of adult conversation, I can't get out of the house as much as I'd like. But he sees it as time wasting.

He asks me what hobbies I have, and of course I don't have any as I'm too tied up with the family, but I have big plans for myself when the children are older, But in the past when I've tried to pick up doing a sport or going to the gym, he makes it hard for me to go about doing it as like I said in OP, he gets grumpy at me afterwards.

Edited by MrsMa

No advise here but just wanted to give you a hug I swear I could have written your entire post lol my DF is like that at times. It is so hard. My DF doesn't go out very often but at least he can go out, by himself. If I ever want to go out for a few hours on the weekend by myself he's like 'you are at home all day during the week and you can go out then'.... sure, that sounds great in theory, but I also have a baby attached to me all day! It's just not the same! Men ay. Can't live with them, can't live without them!

Thanks nzlisajo . I feel quite relieved my Dh isn't the only one, as much as I don't like that other men are doing like this to their partners.

That's the thing, if he wants to go out to watch the rugby with mates, or go have a few beers after work, he just goes and does it knowing I'm already just at home with the kids. If I ever want to do something I have to plan it, tell Dh over and over what's happening and make sure he doesn't go off and plan something for himself to do in the meantime.

Although when it came to planning to go to the movies on Sunday, I told him through the week that I wanted to do that, and he still came up with excuses and said "I'll see". Whereas if he wants to do something he just tells me he's doing it, no question.

Thanks kiwi2. Dh is similar in the fact that he is a family man and loves and prefers to be at home with the family, which is really nice and I'd rather that than him never be around us. He wanted to have a big family, as he came from a broken home, with parents that hated each other and both were abusive to each other. So I guess I'm lucky that he's not like them!

I am going to, as he put "suck it up" from the meantime as I know he's under a lot of stress from work at the moment and he does need my support in the home front.   But I will definitely be letting him know that mumma needs a break every now and then and that in order for me to function well I need to have that time.

Cos if mumma ain't happy - then nobody's happy!!

To me this sounds quite serious. It is more than just about him letting you have time to yourself. The way you have described him makes him sound very insecure and controlling and is bordering on emotional abuse. The part about him getting grumpy rang alarm bells for me as it's as if it's all about him and you can't have a life! You shouldn't have to walk on eggshells around him just to keep him happy.

Stand up for yourself and spell out what you want. If you start sentences with "I feel......" it is a lot softer than "you are......." or "I want......" and makes it harder for him to argue. If nothing changes I would suggest counselling. Big hugs

Is it possible that he is not confident with having the kids alone? Does he react the same if you have someone else lined up to look after the kids?

You definitely have to talk this through. Maybe even by just start by asking if everything is ok with him as he hasnt seemed very happy lately.

I think your DH is manipulate & controlling. For him to stop you going out & then just lying on the couch sums it up really. He has you where he wants you.
I don't think talking to him will help as he sounds like he will turn it around & you will end up apologising for something.

I would take advantage of the weekdays to catch up with people & do what you want. Go to coffee at the mall & put your kids into the child care at the mall.

Get a hobby, like scrapbooking or crafts or cooking or Zumba etc & go to a night class by yourself or with friends. There are heaps on at schools. This way he know what you are doing & it is regular & you can use it as a stepping stone.

You need to take back some of what you have lost while being a stay at home mum. A relationship is 50/50 so if he is going out then you can also or do the emotional blackmail on him like he does to you.

I am a stay at home mum & have been full time since taking redundancy 2yrs ago. I have said that I am going back to work when DS3 is at school, so another yr away. DH is really against me going back to work & I am not sure if its a controlling thing or as he said the other night, I was the one that supported up while he was studding & have contributed financially till losing my job or if it a feeling of having to provide.
He knows we need another income to all we want to do so there will be no problem when I do go to work.

Neither of us go out much by ourselves, we have become more homebodies since having kids. Kids can really change your priories. We plan every weekend & go out, even if it to the park.

Men don't think like we do, sometimes they don't even think.